14/11/2011

These sorts of simple melodies tend to get straight to my heart, waking up the little girl within who never really left anyway.

Whenever I feel sad, I feel her within. She never left me. She's my inspiration, my only reason for living.

Work is a hassle, as usual. But maybe that's the best type of job I could ever get. I can't really get bored since I'm always dealing with something complex, which in turn appeals to my mind.

I've always felt more at ease with complex matters, more so than the simple ones. Trust me to get it wrong or remain clueless in the face of the simplest tasks in life, yet I'll figure out things far more complex like child's play.

I was always like that... Even at school. Whenever we were given a test, I'd spend the first minute figuring out which questions were the hardest, and then I'd select them over the easy ones I knew most other kids would at once select.

Anyway, who cares?

I wanna go dog sledding in Greenland... lose myself in the tundra... go ice skating across a frozen lake nestled between white mountain peaks... and then collapse in some hut or igloo with a warm cup of cocoa.

Dreams always come back to you... like phantoms in the night... they come back to haunt you and when they do, it's always at a time when you can no longer ignore them.

Here would be a rough idea of the four corners of my inner world... within which I constantly find myself travelling across, from one corner to the other. Who actually needs travelling when it all already exists in the mind's eye?

I tend to spend more time wandering around the ice cap and frozen landscapes these days, but I've been found to remain for periods of time in the spring valley... rarely have I stepped foot in the more arid corners with only sand dunes stretching in the distance, but I like to take a stroll by winter's feet, where the landscape is turned crimson and gold by a dying sun.

13/11/2011

The sky is a lovely winter blue outside my window, even though it's still autumn, and the white curtains flutter lightly in the quiet breeze as I sit here puffy-eyed and sleepy. It's Sunday morning...

When I went to meet a friend on Friday night, I'd spent the day feeling rather good, but I'd also started to become more aware of the things that actually separate me from the world in general, or more precisely people. This isn't some big-headed confession, but a rather painful realisation in some ways.

As I train myself to let go and remain neutral inside, I find the distance between me and people around me only growing further. But it's not people, it's me. Every single person I know seems to have hobbies, things they like to do, favourites, dreams, desires that are often widely found among people, making it easier, in a way, for them to bond with one another. These hobbies, favourite things, 'interests' or dreams make it possible for them to fit in more often than not because all these hobbies, favourite things and 'interests' repeat themselves randomly across the world. After all, we're part of the same species, and though we like to claim differences, we are mostly similar in essence. Even the need to feel different is part of a common human trait that can be found across the world in various people.

Depending on the pool of integrated 'interests', hobbies, preferences and desires a person has, it turns out easier or harder to make 'friends' and integrate within a group. The more generic the likes and preferences, the more likely the person will find themselves integrated within a larger group, whereas the more 'niche' the list of interests and hobbies, the more difficult it will be to find others sharing the same sort of niche list of interests and hobbies.

Well, that's nothing new. Being more like the majority means getting on easier with most because you share a lot in common with a lot of people.

I've realised for myself that I've grown rather empty already. There is nothing about me remotely attractive for any regular person out there. I mean really. I have no hobbies, no strong preferences in anything, no strong interests... nothing. I could sit in that chair just thinking all day and it would be enough for me. Sometimes I think about what I could do or try, but there is never a strive strong enough to make me want to bother. I'm like a blank slate inside that just doesn't 'take' in when it comes to further adorn my identity with composite elements such as likes and dislikes, interests etc.

I can be interested, of course, especially if it's something entirely new to me, but nothing ever seems to become a part of who I am, or that could ever define me.

I noticed that a long time ago, but until now I was never able to fully realise it for myself. You know how people will define themselves through the things they like and don't like, be it in a conversation or online? I remember once when I was still at university, I started going out with a few popular people in my year. One day, I ended up sitting in a pub with a couple of guys from that group of popular folks, and as I sat there wondering what the hell I'd talk to them about, one of them simply started asking me about my likes.

"So what kind of music you listen to?" asked one guy. I looked at him for a moment as I racked my brain for an answer... nothing sprung to mind in terms of 'favourite' because I liked way too many things without any particular preference for one or the other. I just enjoyed almost every genre rather equally for different reasons. As I looked at him, I picked my answer from the pool of all the types of music I liked without any higher degree of preference according to what I knew would probably fit it with his own high favourites. So I replied: "Radiohead, Kings of Leon...that sort of thing." And the guys nodded in approval at once, especially at the mention of Radiohead.

Depending on who is in front of me, I seem to adapt to what their bundle of interests is. It's often easy because while I have no strong preference in anything, I usually appreciate almost everything without any particular bias or strong interest, so I just pick whatever would fit with whoever is in front of me whose identity is just based on a bundle of strong preferences.

But what does that make of me? It means that every time I make 'friends' I'm actually playing a different role each time 'tailored' to a particular person... and it probably explains why I've ended up with a few friends, but all of them usually completely different from one another - so much so that I can never really gather a group of friends because they would be way too different from each other to get along or even relate.

For a long time, I used to accuse most people of being 'fake', but it was always me. Most people are at least consistent in terms of their core identity. They have a fixed set of likes and dislikes that can expend or retract over time, whereas I happen to be so open-minded that I have lost, or never really had, the capacity to be selective to create a core identity for myself, and I don't think that's a bad thing at all... it's just that this realisation makes all the difference now, because it finally sheds light on a lot of things at once for myself.

So whenever someone approaches me, I'll be tailoring myself according to them because most people are really just a bundle of likes and dislikes, preferences and interests, while I don't usually prefer anything, I can just like a lot of things equally for different reasons, and none of it is ever assimilated deeply to my own person, leaving me somewhat like a blank slate that I can construct in a certain way just to match another person's bundle of likes and dislikes, preference and interests.

Hence my inability to truly 'fit in'... because every time my core personality is just a made up 'doll' according to who's in front of me.

I have... no so-called personality. I'm just a rough outline upon which layers of interests and preferences can be loaded randomly depending on both my environment and the type of person I interact with. But as soon as I'm away from it, the layers vanish leaving me back with the rough outline that presents no strong interest for any particular thing.

Nowadays, I can't help perceiving people more like 'bundles' than 'real' people. It's hard to explain... it's like I've grown too aware of how much people build up their sense of identity like lego blocks in terms of defining themselves based on the things they like or don't like, their hobbies and interests. It seems to be needed to fit in within a group or society in general just to bond with others and create relationships, so I'm not saying it's bad. I just can't relate.

The other day, while I was sitting at my desk at work and thinking about these things that dawned on me with more clarity for the first time, I caught a glimpse of one of the new guys at the office looking in my direction often. At some point he stopped by my colleague's desk right opposite me and as he was talking to her, he kept looking at me when he thought I wasn't looking. My first reaction was to find it cute, no matter how real it was or not (it's not like I could be sure there was anything to it), but that pleasant feeling of thinking that someone may be showing interest in you was swiftly replaced with a dead feeling inside. A feeling that I had nothing to offer inside and out, that the guy had better find someone else to be interested in, because all I had to offer was emptiness... void... non-personality.

I then found myself imagining that I was chatting to this guy without adapting to him and I realised the conversation wouldn't go very far at all. He would tell me about his core identity based on his own bundle of likes and dislikes, hobbies and interests, and in return all I could do is shrug.

"What music do you like?" he'd ask.

"A bit of everything, really," I'd say.

"Anything in particular? I love [insert trendy band name here], I went to see them in concert last year, they were great," he'd carry on.

"I'd have to hear one of their songs to see if I know them. I'm not very good at remembering names in general. I just listen to music."

"Do you watch football?"

"No." (and if someone else was there with us, the other person would probably by then get involved to share their own interest and views on the subject, shifting the focus of interest on them while I remain silent and listening in the background as they start bonding. This shift could occur at any point during the conversation but for the sake of this made-up convo, let's say there is no third-party involved.)

"Oh, ok. Yeah, I'm not a massive fan either."

Awkward silence follows for a little while.

"So, what are you up to this weekend?" he'd then ask.

"Nothing much. Probably take it easy and relax at home."

"The whole weekend?" he'd gasp, and I'd nod before he'd start telling me about how he's planning to go rock climbing, go for drinks with his mates, go sky jumping, whatever, which I'd be likely to find genuinely interesting because I've never done it.

"Really? That sounds like fun, I've never tried."

"Yeah, it's great, I love it. So, er... what do you like to do?"

"Nothing in particular. I like writing, I guess."

"Right. Are you into sports?"

"Not really. I don't mind playing sports though."

"What sort?"

"Any really."

"Do you like travelling?"

"I guess so. I like visiting new places if I can."

"Oh, me too. I went to India last year, went backpacking for 6 months, it was incredible..."

"Wow, I'm sure it must have been. I'd love to do that."

"Yeah, you should, it's worth it. Have you been anywhere?"

"Yeah, some places in Europe, nothing as remote as India, though."

"Why not?"

"Don't know really. It sounds really interesting but I guess I never really found a strong incentive to actually do it."

"Ok... where do you live?"

"I live near [insert location]"

"Cool, that's quite close to work. Do you live with friends?"

I'd stop for a second before replying, here, and then would probably lie. But if I was to only be myself rather than adapt to others, I wouldn't.

"No, I live with parents."

"Really? That's... nice, I guess."

"Well, they live near work, so it just made sense to me rather than rent some place for the sake of it."

"Yeah, I guess it makes sense. I share a flat with two guys. One of them is a bit of a loon... [insert rest of random story here]"

"I guess I'm lucky, it's not too bad where I live."

"How are you finding work?"

"It's ok... challenging I guess."

Laughter would follow in agreement.

"What do you want to do after this job?" he'd then ask.

"I don't know, I don't really have any ambitions."

Awkward silence would follow for a moment.

"I hope I'll be able to get a job at [insert big job name here]," he'd sigh dreamily.

"Yeah, a lot of people seem to want that, it's a bigger paper I guess."

"You must have an idea what you want, right?"

"Not really. I guess I have time to figure it out. And even if I don't, I don't really mind."

"Yeah, I guess... So, er... Do you write things outside of work?"

"I used to, I've stopped for a while now. Waiting for inspiration, maybe. I lack self-discipline."

"Haha, yeah, I know what you mean. What sort of things would you like to write?"

"Stories, shit like that."

"Sounds cool."

"Yeah."

And so it would go, perhaps even worse, with anyone I meet, if I didn't start adapting to their likes and dislikes and lists of interests to build up a fake core personality that aims to match theirs. Failing to do that keeps me a blank, boring slate for most out there in possession of a core personality based on a bundle of likes and dislikes, interests and hobbies. My only hope would be to find another person who happens to be just as 'blank' and neutral in terms of core personality or identity... or I would have to start integrating very precise likes and dislikes, interests and hobbies and stick to it to define 'myself' on a longer-term basis than simply depending on the people I meet.

Now of course if someone really deep and intelligent started engaging with my brain, something inside me would kick in at once and I'd instantly get into a discussion that would look at everything under the sun in terms of deeper meaning and philosophical notions. Usually, that is not the case.

Anyway... That is 'me'. I almost feel sorry for anyone thinking that I could be interesting or have anything appealing to offer. I am an empty slate, a non-personality in a world full of walking 'bundles', and now that I understand that, I feel neither resentful or judgemental about it. It's just the way it is. It is no one's fault that I end up isolated and alone. It's just a question of lacking the ability or desire to construct a bundle of likes, dislikes, interests and hobbies for myself and allow it to become my core identity. Without it, I am simply empty and uninteresting to everyone else out there. All that I really 'have' is my ability to think and feel, but nothing to allow me to bond with anyone.

11/11/2011

It's past midnight, I can still hear the crows outside.

I've stopped wondering about love these days. There is nothing to wonder about, really. A friend of mine I met today after work made a rather astute observation when it comes to human relations. She observed that most people seemed to get together out of convenience in the end.

Companionship, she said, seemed to be the driving factor after a while, rather than the all elusive notion of 'love'. After all, what is love? Is it really what books and movies portray? What movies and books portray so easily is a rare occurrence in human life, hence why it is so popular in fiction.

So-called 'love' only occurs in human history perhaps 1% of the time. The rest is filled with convenience and the need for companionship. I suspect that the older we get, the more focused on companionship we get. Companionship so we won't be alone, companionship so we can have children and lead the same sort of lives as the rest, etc.

That's all there is to it, right?

I think it is better to be alone, and get to a stage where yes, we are alone, but never lonely. That seems to be what I'm aiming for, and to be perfectly honest, that also seems to fit the patterns of my life.

It doesn't really matter... I like that I was able to at least experience bits of things in life. I learned from it all, or so I hope.

My real issue was never really about relationships, but about my own self, and its place in the world, in a way.

All is exactly as it should be, even as I don't know where the path leads. But you know what? Sometimes it's more beautiful that way. Finding my way in the dark... never knowing where it will lead, but trusting that it will lead where it ought to, no matter what.

Just a doll...

My quest to emptiness keeps me awake at night. I feel this giant void eating at me from the inside and I just allow it, like a black hole expending ever so slowly from within... hoping that at some point the black hole will be big enough to swallow me whole.

At times I feel as though I'm in some kind of trance. I'm still very much aware of my surroundings, but I feel a sudden disconnection from everything around me, and suddenly everyone and everything appears two-dimensional, as if the people around me were nothing but momentary hallucinations. As if there was nothing more to them except exactly what my eyes see. Bodies moving randomly around me.

I used to be deeply depressed, so I know what I'm experiencing is different, for the main reason that when I was depressed I used to wish I was dead. I hated myself as much as I hated the world and its fabrications. But now... I feel this 'depression' just as deeply, except I have no wish of being either dead or alive, nor do I have any wish to hurt myself or others. I just feel in limbo.

I spent the weekend watching episodes from a TV series called Dollhouse, which is about some corporation with the technology to erase people's brains and memories completely to implant various personalities back into the 'emptied' bodies depending on the mission the corporation gets paid for.

The whole concept was rather interesting. The question of what remains if someone erased all of your memories or 'identity'... what remains if identity is wiped out? The series starts off with the assumption that by wiping out a person's memories and experiences, not only is the person's core identity, or illusion of one, destroyed, but all that remains is really the empty shell of a body - and as such the people whose personalities are completely erased are dubbed 'dolls'.

As the series progresses, it starts questioning the notion of a soul, or core 'being' and whether wiping out what we call identity (memories and experiences) really does lead to an empty body.

As I watched the 'empty' bodies walking about, clueless and childlike in their lack of memories and personality, I have to say I was able to relate far more to them than all the other fully-functional characters who haven't had their personalities and memories erased. I wondered for a moment which one I 'was', and the answer was... just like the 'dolls'. I don't know why, but there you go.

The way it feels is strange... It's like I only become 'active' when my environment triggers me. But as soon as I find myself alone or not 'triggered' by a person or event, I switch off. Vacant eyes, numbness, the void within. And then it only takes one person to come my way, to ask a question or simply talk to me, and I swiftly switch back on again almost like magic... but now I feel it... I feel the trigger, the way my personality switches back on to life because that is how I've been conditioned as a human being to evolve. It is so rooted in me that I switch back on beyond my own control, just like a reflex. I cannot consciously decide to remain disconnected from my environment when it triggers any sort of reaction from me. A lifetime of learning only about responding to it has led to this.

Head hurts...

04/11/2011

So not empty... it feels like pus oozing out of an infected wound - my whole being. That would be the most accurate way to describe my 'state of mind' these days. "Pus" coming out of my mind or whatever entity that I am within...

I have no idea what I'm doing. I simply cannot not do it. All my thoughts and feelings are heightened, so loud and 'stinky' like gunk spurting out of some rotten dead corpse. The more I focus on silence within, the more of that gunk comes out, but what seems different this time is that I am aware of it?

It's very tiring, especially when surrounded by people, chatter, city noise in general... especially when having to interact with other human forms because I end up being acutely aware of my reactions 'inside'... and all my thoughts and feelings appear like mere reactions triggered by the environment I'm immersed in... it's disturbing.

How to even attempt to explain it?... I've suddenly become more aware that everything I 'feel' or 'think' are mere reactions.

I am constantly merely reacting to my environment, although most people would see it as being 'me' and 'interacting' with the outside world - but in fact I am truly only reacting to it.

One example - and there are plenty occurring every single day, perhaps in the thousands - would be when I finished some work and sent it to my boss at work, and then he turned to me to congratulate me. I could not control the 'feeling' of sudden elation at the praise, which came as a direct reaction to the compliment.

I ended up feeling rather at loss when I 'felt' that sudden surge of satisfaction when at the same time I was capable of discerning that it was in fact an uncontrollable reaction... much akin to a reward-reaction conditioning process.

The worst, most harrowing part was that I could not stop it from occurring. The reaction was so rooted inside that it kicked in not in function of 'my' control, but that of my environment.

If I cannot control my reactions in thoughts and feelings, then I am never in control of anything, I only like to believe I am. There is no escape from that, except by reaching a complete neutral state.

But is it possible when immersed in any type of disrupting environment? We're probably wired to react to it. And the more we react to it without question, the more difficult it becomes to stop ourselves from doing it. We build up some set of expected responses that pretty much cover most of the routines settings.

None of my thoughts right now are anything but the result of a reaction of sorts with any given environment I find myself in. Same goes for what we call feelings, or emotions.

But the more aware I grow, the more uncertain I become as to the outcome of what I seem to be doing inside myself...

There will probably come a time when I won't even be able to write on here, just to avoid the noise of words altogether.

I need neutrality... a certain state of tabula rasa.

I'm mostly focusing on letting go right now... letting go of absolutely everything, like shedding skin layer after layer the best I can.

Attempting the almost impossible task of not thinking, not feeling and therefore not reacting.

It's incredibly hard... not impossible, but really, really difficult.

People in general make it even harder at the stage I'm at because they trigger a constant stream of responses and reactions from my person. All I can think of doing is take note of as many instances as I can, and hope that I can slowly carry on whatever it is I'm doing.

Let go of everything... thoughts, feelings, strive, passion, anger, sadness, attachment... for complete emptiness or a state of complete neutrality.

02/11/2011

Not actually empty... but getting there. It feels like the intense wave of inner pain and unrest I'm experiencing could actually be the window of opportunity I've been waiting for to 'reprogramme' my self, this time not caring what the 'my' part of the self is about. I need to get to a stage where there is a self, without the need for a 'I' attached to it because if I can reach a stage of Self, then I am and I am not all at once. I would be nothing and yet everything at the same time.

I've been reading up on things like 'ego death' and it does feel like the reason why I feel so much unrest within is actually to push me forward to finally deal with it - transcend that state.

I need to hang on to the pain within long enough while reprogramming my self, even if it means remaining in some sort of strange, hurtful limbo full of darkness in its most literal meaning. I need to remain in the dark inside my head, switch off all the lights - the thoughts - one by one. Remove every piece of conditioned feelings and thoughts until there is nothing left but empty space within... a form of tabula rasa without necessarily erasing knowledge drawn from experience.

Every time I feel anything, I now need to train myself to remain detached from the feeling. Same goes with all the thoughts.

No desires. No strive. No anger, joy, sadness... one by one, I must let go, switch off the light.

I can already sense some of the more difficult ones in my way, such as anger and sadness. These two are going to be seriously hard to let go for me.

The 'no desires' part can also be tricky, especially as we live immersed in an environment that does its best to make you want things. That's why I need to work hard on the inner reprogramming.

No desires, no wants, no strive, no anger, sadness or joy... and no attachment. The latter is one of my biggest weaknesses.

There is a certain degree of asceticism involved in the process, no doubt about that. I don't think it can be avoided, in fact it needs to be embraced.

These days, every time my body or mind starts producing a certain conditioned reaction such as feelings or subjective thoughts (ie: opinions or judgement, in particular) I stop myself or at least try to let it go as if it never were. The more I do it, the less frequent it will be, and the more 'empty' I will hopefully grow within. After that, I have no idea, but I need to do this.