It's a warm and sunny weather all over again. Feels like summer, eh.

Work is as hard as ever, and I'm still swimming in a sea of confusion. I also feel sad and depressed, even though it doesn't show in reality. In reality, I've always been good at pretending that all is well, so I can't really expect anyone to take any notice of it - and it's probably better that way.

I couldn't sleep last night and I hate when this happens. The heat, coupled with the load of thoughts weighing on my mind, kept me wide awake until almost midnight. The cat remained dutifully by my side, watching me with glowing silent eyes as I tossed and turned.

I just feel so sad and disappointed. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to make it all better.

I thought if I remained true to myself and acted as my self with people I care about, then it would make a difference in the way my relationship with them would develop. I guess I forgot to take into account that this could only work if the other people are willing to do just the same. That is almost never the case. People play games all the time. Or they are so emotionally disconnected that they make it impossible for me to reach out to them in their depth. Instead, they constantly put up these walls surrounded by pretence and role-play where appearance is the one thing that matters to them.

Truth be told, in a world that mostly cares only about appearance and being the 'best', being yourself without subterfuge or role-playing treachery is almost guaranteed to make you end up as the stuffed goose in the story.

People are so used to playing games in all sorts of relationships that when you happen not to play any, then you're either at risk of being dismissed as 'boring' or too easy to manipulate or figure out.

In general, the lack of care and true feelings is what gets to me the most.

Life is a funny, sadistic thing, in a way. Whatever it is you ever wanted the most, you can rest assured you'll never get it.

Bah... I'm just too sad to carry on for now.