It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
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............................................................................................................... Silence is for pain.
Saturday 30 October 2010
Tuesday 26 October 2010
26/10/2010
Mist of rain and dark skies today... I had a rather hectic morning, rushing from one place to the next to help my mother to ensure all her work was done before she has to leave for the airport later.
She was anxious about her trip because she's scared of flying... I can't understand such a fear. I just love flying, and though I wish I had my own wings, a plane is the next best thing, I guess. I particularly like the taking off part, feeling that rush of adrenaline through my body as the plane takes off the ground...
Last night I asked her what scared her so much and she said: "What if something happens, like a crash? What if the plane crashes?"
"Mum," I replied calmly, "You're more likely to die in a car crash, or even on your way to the airport than onboard that plane."
That didn't seem to help with her nerves.
And every time I think to myself: so what if a plane crashes, so what if I die? It just means nothing in itself. One moment you're alive, and the next you're gone. In the greater scheme of Time (if you're able, of course, to experience Time as I can) all times are one in essence, and it really means that we are as much alive as we're already dead. All it really takes to understand that notion is to stop thinking about the 'detail' level of things. As a tiny vector (the person) on the spectrum of Time , we experience the latter as though there were three distinct parts to what makes up Time: past, present and future. Detach yourself from that flawed perception that stems directly from the fact that we are such small components evolving on that spectrum, take a bird's eye view of it, and you will come to realise that truly, all times are one.
I exist and at the same time I don't. Not in the greater scheme of Time, that is.
If I exist and at the same time I don't (and haven't yet existed... as all times are blurred into One) it can also hint at something even more interesting: the notion of immortality, but of course not in any mainstream sense...
Such a rush of thoughts to the head... when will I finally be able to translate every single thread of reasoning that leads me to my conclusions? My brain feels sometimes like the most intricate of machines lacking the manpower to operate it properly. The tools used to operate it are in themselves obselete, mind you, and by 'tools', I really means such things as our current languages.
She was anxious about her trip because she's scared of flying... I can't understand such a fear. I just love flying, and though I wish I had my own wings, a plane is the next best thing, I guess. I particularly like the taking off part, feeling that rush of adrenaline through my body as the plane takes off the ground...
Last night I asked her what scared her so much and she said: "What if something happens, like a crash? What if the plane crashes?"
"Mum," I replied calmly, "You're more likely to die in a car crash, or even on your way to the airport than onboard that plane."
That didn't seem to help with her nerves.
And every time I think to myself: so what if a plane crashes, so what if I die? It just means nothing in itself. One moment you're alive, and the next you're gone. In the greater scheme of Time (if you're able, of course, to experience Time as I can) all times are one in essence, and it really means that we are as much alive as we're already dead. All it really takes to understand that notion is to stop thinking about the 'detail' level of things. As a tiny vector (the person) on the spectrum of Time , we experience the latter as though there were three distinct parts to what makes up Time: past, present and future. Detach yourself from that flawed perception that stems directly from the fact that we are such small components evolving on that spectrum, take a bird's eye view of it, and you will come to realise that truly, all times are one.
I exist and at the same time I don't. Not in the greater scheme of Time, that is.
If I exist and at the same time I don't (and haven't yet existed... as all times are blurred into One) it can also hint at something even more interesting: the notion of immortality, but of course not in any mainstream sense...
Such a rush of thoughts to the head... when will I finally be able to translate every single thread of reasoning that leads me to my conclusions? My brain feels sometimes like the most intricate of machines lacking the manpower to operate it properly. The tools used to operate it are in themselves obselete, mind you, and by 'tools', I really means such things as our current languages.
Monday 25 October 2010
It's 16.06, I spent a long time printing pictures for my uncle to take back home with him and show to the rest of the family.
I guess it's good that I'm going to watch a movie, it will minimise the time I have to spend talking to people because today is not a good' social' day for me. That really means I won't be much of a 'joy' to be around because I don't have the strength to wear my social mask... The mood is brooding and dark.
I went down the shops earlier and on my way back home, just as I was crossing the quiet street leading to my block, two young kids called after me to ask me the time. One quick glance over my shoulder told me these two weren't older than 10 years old. I stopped in my tracks and said: "It's 2pm." The littlest one who was wearing thuggish clothes came closer and said: "You're rich!" before giving me the most cheeky of grins.
I'd expected a "thanks" or a "cheers, mate", but not that weird comment to be honest. I smiled back at him and resumed my walk back home without another look back, simply chuckling to myself.
Then I sat at my desk, lit up a cigarette, tried to jot down some thoughts... but those were stuck. I opened my browser and decided to read The Bet by Chekhov. I find it hard to believe I never actually read anything from that writer until today. Maybe the fact of reading it affected my mood somewhat. After all, I've known for some time now that my mind acts like a sponge soaking up styles and emotions especially in writing.
The first time this happened I was 13 years old and reading Rimbaud. I remember it was past midnight when I felt that first intense wave of emotions rushing through my brain as I read the poems... Then I picked up a pen and paper and words began to flood out of me as though my own hand had taken a life of its own. Reading back what I wrote, I realised that I had 'copied' Rimbaud's style, albeit clumsily of course. I had written my thoughts inspiring myself from the style I'd just soaked up.
It was in class while having to analyse literary texts that I further realised how much of a 'sponge' I was because every time I read a text that contained emotions and strength of some sort - be it in style, or the choice of words themselves - I would feel the words so intensely that it felt as thought I was somehow reaching deep into the dead writer's head. As impossible to explain as this occurrence may seem, that is exactly how it felt.
My analysis of literary texts was invariably marked down by teachers because I 'went too far and explained things that, although right, were not part of the brief'... The other pupils would readily parrot what they could obviously draw from a writer's thoughts, and I was always feeling something much deeper that nobody wanted to hear because... it just wasn't part of the curriculum, I guess.
I want to take a knife and carve a hole in my own skull. Then I want to stand in front of a mirror and take out my brain piece by piece and observe it.
I guess it's good that I'm going to watch a movie, it will minimise the time I have to spend talking to people because today is not a good' social' day for me. That really means I won't be much of a 'joy' to be around because I don't have the strength to wear my social mask... The mood is brooding and dark.
I went down the shops earlier and on my way back home, just as I was crossing the quiet street leading to my block, two young kids called after me to ask me the time. One quick glance over my shoulder told me these two weren't older than 10 years old. I stopped in my tracks and said: "It's 2pm." The littlest one who was wearing thuggish clothes came closer and said: "You're rich!" before giving me the most cheeky of grins.
I'd expected a "thanks" or a "cheers, mate", but not that weird comment to be honest. I smiled back at him and resumed my walk back home without another look back, simply chuckling to myself.
Then I sat at my desk, lit up a cigarette, tried to jot down some thoughts... but those were stuck. I opened my browser and decided to read The Bet by Chekhov. I find it hard to believe I never actually read anything from that writer until today. Maybe the fact of reading it affected my mood somewhat. After all, I've known for some time now that my mind acts like a sponge soaking up styles and emotions especially in writing.
The first time this happened I was 13 years old and reading Rimbaud. I remember it was past midnight when I felt that first intense wave of emotions rushing through my brain as I read the poems... Then I picked up a pen and paper and words began to flood out of me as though my own hand had taken a life of its own. Reading back what I wrote, I realised that I had 'copied' Rimbaud's style, albeit clumsily of course. I had written my thoughts inspiring myself from the style I'd just soaked up.
It was in class while having to analyse literary texts that I further realised how much of a 'sponge' I was because every time I read a text that contained emotions and strength of some sort - be it in style, or the choice of words themselves - I would feel the words so intensely that it felt as thought I was somehow reaching deep into the dead writer's head. As impossible to explain as this occurrence may seem, that is exactly how it felt.
My analysis of literary texts was invariably marked down by teachers because I 'went too far and explained things that, although right, were not part of the brief'... The other pupils would readily parrot what they could obviously draw from a writer's thoughts, and I was always feeling something much deeper that nobody wanted to hear because... it just wasn't part of the curriculum, I guess.
I want to take a knife and carve a hole in my own skull. Then I want to stand in front of a mirror and take out my brain piece by piece and observe it.
25/10/2010
The skies are a deep bright blue today, and you can already smell winter in the air.
So many thoughts floating in my head... I wish I was ready to express them all fully, but I can't. Not yet at least.
The friend I met last week called me yesterday afternoon from her workplace. She asked me what I was doing, I said I'm just listening to the music channel on the television. She said: "You're so lucky, I'm stuck at work with nothing to do, so I thought I'd call you." She asked me rather severely if I had prepared my cover letters which I was planning to send the next day to apply for various jobs. I told her that I did, and then the conversation drifted to her growing anxiety at the prospect of meeting a guy she hadn't seen in a year or so... He is coming to visit her in a couple of weeks and told her he'd booked a posh suite in a very expensive hotel for his overnight stay. It's not that the guy in question is rich, he just happened to know someone who works there and kind of got a good deal out of it.
She talked to me about her mixed feelings, her apprehension, her doubts... Then with a small voice she said: "I'm scared of the idea of going to that hotel with him."
At her words I laughed softly and told her to stop thinking about what may or may not happen. I told her she needed to stop imagining in advance and to force herself to keep a blank mind about it because the more she would imagine what could happen, the more she would stress over it, and the more likely it would be that none of the things she imagined would come true anyway.
"I know it's a hard thing to do, but block any thought you have of that meeting," I told her, "You only need to know he's coming, but don't imagine what's going to happen. You'll know what to do when it's happening, you'll know how you feel then."
She was worried because they hadn't seen each other for so long, and he wants to take her to that posh hotel when she's really just a simple girl who couldn't help but feel out of place, adding to her anxiety, I suppose. I used humour to relax her and it worked. Well, at least I think she listened to me.
I'm not one to boast, but when it comes to facing the unknown, I'm right there ahead of many people. It's okay to be scared of the unknown, we wouldn't be human if we weren't, but I know better how to overcome those fears. I zap them out of my mind, which I keep free of any expectations so that I am not hindered by fears - the very ones that keep us all at a distance from true understanding of all things.
By the end of our phone conversation she told me she was glad she'd called... that I seemed to understand everything so well. I simply reminded her not to dwell on the meeting until perhaps the day before. I mean, the way I also see it is: what's the point stressing over something that is still relatively far away in time? No point spending the next two weeks as an anxious wreck when the reality will turn out very differently from what she imagined anyway.
Personally, I have a heart that is too soft. Any one of you people could hurt me so easily and make me bleed from within without much effort at all. I often feel like the heroine of some tragic story (my life) that has yet to unfold completely, but deep down I'm already at peace with whatever tragic outcome that's in waiting. Why? Because I'm dramatic and passionate. I'd pick the tragic ending any time over merely existing blindly for the sake of it.
I feel at my most isolated when surrounded by people. They only seem to remind me of my own differences and the fact that although I seem to fit in with them in appearance, I remain invariably worlds apart from them.
I know by now that a lot of people think they can relate well to that notion of alienation... and to an extent I can see that many could really relate. However this feeling of alienation I feel within is the True one, and that's why it allows me to delve so deep into it to uncover every true face that makes up such a feeling... like every other feeling I am capable of experiencing.
I never just 'feel', I feel the purest and most heightened form of every single emotion that exists.
Anyway... I've been invited to watch a movie this afternoon. We're going to see Paranormal Activity 2. I never saw the first one, and I'm not too keen on the whole 'Blair Witch' style of filming that makes the camera jump all the time to give a so-called 'real' feel to it. I'm simply going because I'm focusing on what is real in my life, and I guess real people qualify as part of my reality.
And... my heart hurts. It's bleeding so bad I'm actually amazed it's still beating against my chest, so to speak. Having said that, it's not like a wounded heart could ever stop me from achieving my true aim in life... If that ever were the case, I would have turned into yet another zombie a long time ago.
So many thoughts floating in my head... I wish I was ready to express them all fully, but I can't. Not yet at least.
The friend I met last week called me yesterday afternoon from her workplace. She asked me what I was doing, I said I'm just listening to the music channel on the television. She said: "You're so lucky, I'm stuck at work with nothing to do, so I thought I'd call you." She asked me rather severely if I had prepared my cover letters which I was planning to send the next day to apply for various jobs. I told her that I did, and then the conversation drifted to her growing anxiety at the prospect of meeting a guy she hadn't seen in a year or so... He is coming to visit her in a couple of weeks and told her he'd booked a posh suite in a very expensive hotel for his overnight stay. It's not that the guy in question is rich, he just happened to know someone who works there and kind of got a good deal out of it.
She talked to me about her mixed feelings, her apprehension, her doubts... Then with a small voice she said: "I'm scared of the idea of going to that hotel with him."
At her words I laughed softly and told her to stop thinking about what may or may not happen. I told her she needed to stop imagining in advance and to force herself to keep a blank mind about it because the more she would imagine what could happen, the more she would stress over it, and the more likely it would be that none of the things she imagined would come true anyway.
"I know it's a hard thing to do, but block any thought you have of that meeting," I told her, "You only need to know he's coming, but don't imagine what's going to happen. You'll know what to do when it's happening, you'll know how you feel then."
She was worried because they hadn't seen each other for so long, and he wants to take her to that posh hotel when she's really just a simple girl who couldn't help but feel out of place, adding to her anxiety, I suppose. I used humour to relax her and it worked. Well, at least I think she listened to me.
I'm not one to boast, but when it comes to facing the unknown, I'm right there ahead of many people. It's okay to be scared of the unknown, we wouldn't be human if we weren't, but I know better how to overcome those fears. I zap them out of my mind, which I keep free of any expectations so that I am not hindered by fears - the very ones that keep us all at a distance from true understanding of all things.
By the end of our phone conversation she told me she was glad she'd called... that I seemed to understand everything so well. I simply reminded her not to dwell on the meeting until perhaps the day before. I mean, the way I also see it is: what's the point stressing over something that is still relatively far away in time? No point spending the next two weeks as an anxious wreck when the reality will turn out very differently from what she imagined anyway.
Personally, I have a heart that is too soft. Any one of you people could hurt me so easily and make me bleed from within without much effort at all. I often feel like the heroine of some tragic story (my life) that has yet to unfold completely, but deep down I'm already at peace with whatever tragic outcome that's in waiting. Why? Because I'm dramatic and passionate. I'd pick the tragic ending any time over merely existing blindly for the sake of it.
I feel at my most isolated when surrounded by people. They only seem to remind me of my own differences and the fact that although I seem to fit in with them in appearance, I remain invariably worlds apart from them.
I know by now that a lot of people think they can relate well to that notion of alienation... and to an extent I can see that many could really relate. However this feeling of alienation I feel within is the True one, and that's why it allows me to delve so deep into it to uncover every true face that makes up such a feeling... like every other feeling I am capable of experiencing.
I never just 'feel', I feel the purest and most heightened form of every single emotion that exists.
Anyway... I've been invited to watch a movie this afternoon. We're going to see Paranormal Activity 2. I never saw the first one, and I'm not too keen on the whole 'Blair Witch' style of filming that makes the camera jump all the time to give a so-called 'real' feel to it. I'm simply going because I'm focusing on what is real in my life, and I guess real people qualify as part of my reality.
And... my heart hurts. It's bleeding so bad I'm actually amazed it's still beating against my chest, so to speak. Having said that, it's not like a wounded heart could ever stop me from achieving my true aim in life... If that ever were the case, I would have turned into yet another zombie a long time ago.
Saturday 23 October 2010
23/10/2010
The sky is black as ink... There was a full moon last night, or it sure looked like one, and it was visible in the sky even though it was still daylight.
... I don't have the words tonight actually... So I'm just gonna shut up and show rather than write what I have in mind.
Feeling so intensely that no word can begin to describe this burning wave swelling in my chest... feels like it's about to crush me whole... but I never want that kind of pain to stop.
My... I really am at loss for words tonight, and yet so many thoughts are twirling in my head... But I can't put them in words... Feeling way too much, and yeah, feeling so dreamy I feel like a phoenix about to burst into a trillion of vivid colours only to be reborn and embrace the whole world with only the strength of fire-lit wings...
... I don't have the words tonight actually... So I'm just gonna shut up and show rather than write what I have in mind.
Feeling so intensely that no word can begin to describe this burning wave swelling in my chest... feels like it's about to crush me whole... but I never want that kind of pain to stop.
My... I really am at loss for words tonight, and yet so many thoughts are twirling in my head... But I can't put them in words... Feeling way too much, and yeah, feeling so dreamy I feel like a phoenix about to burst into a trillion of vivid colours only to be reborn and embrace the whole world with only the strength of fire-lit wings...
Thursday 21 October 2010
21/10/2010
As I couldn't sleep last night, I watched the latest episode of the reality series called The Apprentice which is basically about a bunch of people who fancy themselves as the best business people out there. So they are put through various stupid challenges, from selling buns in a market to launching a new brand of bottled water or whatever. They do all this and are fired by the boss one after the other as they fight to secure that 100k salary working for him.
I have to say the people they pick to go on that show are fascinating and cringeworthy all at the same time. Most of them are so arrogant and full of themselves... they carry that know-it-all attitude about them even though their lack of capability shines through for all to see - except they can't see it for themselves. That's the problem with arrogance and over-confidence, you see. Have too much of both and you will for sure fall into the trap of thinking you're always right even when you're most definitely wrong. The ability to question yourself goes out the window and it becomes second nature to look down on all those who try to set you right by simply dismissing the critics for idiots who just don't get you. In the end, it's just as bad as completely lacking in confidence because it leads to the same outcome: a waste.
Everything really is about striking a perfect balance, it seems. While I tend to think in extremes, maybe I need to start focusing on a balance between each extreme. Maybe then I'll get somewhere. But when I think of balance, it goes hand in hand with the notion I have of harmony, and my idea of it is slightly different from the norm. I see harmony as the all-encompassing notion that allows all beings to finally complete one another seamlessly.
I'm meeting a friend later and I'm kind of glad that I am because I've been staying on my own for too long. It was an interesting experience, but it had to end at some point because it wasn't helping, and it wasn't getting me anywhere.
Most people around me are surprised I still don't have a job, some of them ask me how come I'm never in some relationship, others ask me what I've been up to and don't understand that I have a completely different take on what's important in life. Even if I try to explain... it comes out all wrong anyway.
I think the reason I still didn't find a job is because I haven't been trying that hard. Because part of me is put off by the idea, simply because no job I come across appeals to me. In that light it's easy to accuse me of just being too fussy, or maybe even lazy.
I am none of these things... I just understood too much too soon.
I always knew it would happen... That if I couldn't somehow escape before I turned into an adult, I would be stuck in what often feels like hell.
And I keep wondering about the role of women in this world. By role, I really mean their standing and place in general... It has become so mixed-up and confusing. On the one hand, they are expected to look and behave just like females in most species that inhabit this planet, on the other they are also expected to act like men by being uber-independent, strong and... well, just like men. What is so wrong about being a vulnerable female who can also show some independence, but without having to feel like she has to compete to 'beat' men?
It makes for a strange new breed of females, if you ask me. And I do start to think it explains why so many are mainly confused and, well, emotionally unstable.
I'm not saying that the way it used to be before was any better - far from it. I'm just thinking about the way things are now. It's different from the past, but it doesn't make it better just because it's different or it has changed somewhat.
The difficult thing for me is that I never had any strong template imposed on me about things like family and relationships. Most people are influenced in their beliefs and behaviours in those area of life based on their childhood experiences of them.
I had no model that would fit anywhere, I kind of made up my own 'models' for myself, choosing from the various things I observed and depending on which seemed to make more sense, I added them to my own template, or idea of what family and relationships ought to be like.
That really means that I'm always expending my vision of such things, based on what I think makes more sense and what feels right rather than basing myself on the stiff models out there. Since most people can only adopt one of such stiff models, I guess it comes as no surprise that I should be constantly misunderstood.
I never really allowed myself to explore my feminine side, and maybe the fact that I've been living in the family home for so long explains it in part. It seems that so long as you live with your parents, it's too easy to act like a kid without responsabilities. However I have to say that these past few weeks have at least allowed me to get to know that side of me much better, and I liked that. I actually needed that. I do strongly believe that one day I could make a good companion, not only based on that natural nurturing nature I have in me, but also because I am capable of unconditional love, and not everyone is able to develop that depth of love. It's simply a good thing to know for myself. And that's really the only conclusion I needed to reach.
Apart from all this, it's another very cold day in London with clear blue skies... although patches of clouds can be seen approaching from the distance. I have also been listening to this and this, from Mobi.
I have to say the people they pick to go on that show are fascinating and cringeworthy all at the same time. Most of them are so arrogant and full of themselves... they carry that know-it-all attitude about them even though their lack of capability shines through for all to see - except they can't see it for themselves. That's the problem with arrogance and over-confidence, you see. Have too much of both and you will for sure fall into the trap of thinking you're always right even when you're most definitely wrong. The ability to question yourself goes out the window and it becomes second nature to look down on all those who try to set you right by simply dismissing the critics for idiots who just don't get you. In the end, it's just as bad as completely lacking in confidence because it leads to the same outcome: a waste.
Everything really is about striking a perfect balance, it seems. While I tend to think in extremes, maybe I need to start focusing on a balance between each extreme. Maybe then I'll get somewhere. But when I think of balance, it goes hand in hand with the notion I have of harmony, and my idea of it is slightly different from the norm. I see harmony as the all-encompassing notion that allows all beings to finally complete one another seamlessly.
I'm meeting a friend later and I'm kind of glad that I am because I've been staying on my own for too long. It was an interesting experience, but it had to end at some point because it wasn't helping, and it wasn't getting me anywhere.
Most people around me are surprised I still don't have a job, some of them ask me how come I'm never in some relationship, others ask me what I've been up to and don't understand that I have a completely different take on what's important in life. Even if I try to explain... it comes out all wrong anyway.
I think the reason I still didn't find a job is because I haven't been trying that hard. Because part of me is put off by the idea, simply because no job I come across appeals to me. In that light it's easy to accuse me of just being too fussy, or maybe even lazy.
I am none of these things... I just understood too much too soon.
I always knew it would happen... That if I couldn't somehow escape before I turned into an adult, I would be stuck in what often feels like hell.
And I keep wondering about the role of women in this world. By role, I really mean their standing and place in general... It has become so mixed-up and confusing. On the one hand, they are expected to look and behave just like females in most species that inhabit this planet, on the other they are also expected to act like men by being uber-independent, strong and... well, just like men. What is so wrong about being a vulnerable female who can also show some independence, but without having to feel like she has to compete to 'beat' men?
It makes for a strange new breed of females, if you ask me. And I do start to think it explains why so many are mainly confused and, well, emotionally unstable.
I'm not saying that the way it used to be before was any better - far from it. I'm just thinking about the way things are now. It's different from the past, but it doesn't make it better just because it's different or it has changed somewhat.
The difficult thing for me is that I never had any strong template imposed on me about things like family and relationships. Most people are influenced in their beliefs and behaviours in those area of life based on their childhood experiences of them.
I had no model that would fit anywhere, I kind of made up my own 'models' for myself, choosing from the various things I observed and depending on which seemed to make more sense, I added them to my own template, or idea of what family and relationships ought to be like.
That really means that I'm always expending my vision of such things, based on what I think makes more sense and what feels right rather than basing myself on the stiff models out there. Since most people can only adopt one of such stiff models, I guess it comes as no surprise that I should be constantly misunderstood.
I never really allowed myself to explore my feminine side, and maybe the fact that I've been living in the family home for so long explains it in part. It seems that so long as you live with your parents, it's too easy to act like a kid without responsabilities. However I have to say that these past few weeks have at least allowed me to get to know that side of me much better, and I liked that. I actually needed that. I do strongly believe that one day I could make a good companion, not only based on that natural nurturing nature I have in me, but also because I am capable of unconditional love, and not everyone is able to develop that depth of love. It's simply a good thing to know for myself. And that's really the only conclusion I needed to reach.
Apart from all this, it's another very cold day in London with clear blue skies... although patches of clouds can be seen approaching from the distance. I have also been listening to this and this, from Mobi.
Wednesday 20 October 2010
20/10/2010
The night before yesterday I didn't sleep at all and I watched the slow rising of dawn against a dying backdrop of darkness. It was so beautiful... so quiet still, and peaceful. Then I fell asleep, shortly after 7am, and I dreamed that I was in Paris...
When I woke up, it was raining. I went to stand by the window and watched the horizon darken more and more, and I remembered I had things to do... but it was hard to focus because my mind was still in the most dreamy places. Sometimes there are no words to describe what feels so intense that you can actually feel it throughout your whole body... like a swelling wave inside of feelings so strong it makes it hard to breathe, but not in a bad way. Quite the opposite, actually.
And then I thought about how it never fails to amaze me how much trouble so many people take to put me down for being who I am while they let absolute idiots roam free… What I mean to say is that while I’m being put down for expressing myself in my own way, others who actually say the most stupid or hurtful things are embraced and even applauded. It makes no sense to me but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m always the one getting slaps in the face.
“You shouldn’t say this, you shouldn’t say that…”
"You shouldn't do this, you shouldn't do that..."
"You should be more like this, or maybe more like that..."
Should, should not, ought to, must, must not, have to... If such words were physical entities I would burn them down to a pulp. I really would.
If people don’t like being told everything exactly as it stands then they really need to freaking stop calling themselves people who "value" such things as honesty because the truth is, and I know nobody will like it, most people (and I really mean 99%) are deluded liars. All they have is opinions that rarely even match their actions.
Just open your eyes and observe for yourself... It's not that hard to see surely... How can you not see it?...
It seems that… All the thoughts that we have remain mere opinions unless or until those thoughts begin to match our actions. Being able to achieve that is so hard and rare in itself that it tends to explain all the ‘noise’ in the world… because all people can do is think and talk about their opinions, but it is never really reflected in reality, or when it is, it’s always a distorted version of what was thought in the first place.
An obvious example would be that of politics… Thinkers came up with theories, but when people tried to implement those theories, they failed so extraordinarily that it can only highlight our inability to translate ideals or theory (the realm of well-reasoned thoughts, that is) into reality. Why? There’s not one simple answer. The mere fact that language as it stands is such a poor medium to express our thoughts is one factor that leads to failure, I suppose. Then there is the on-going process of ‘going with the flow’ which really means that societies have the tendency to evolve randomly in the sense that they are never really in perfect control of the direction they are taking; they tend to go along with circumstances and events and react to them, thus not shaping themselves with any sense of clear direction but letting themselves be shaped. That is random. And that's what spawns chaos.
When I woke up, it was raining. I went to stand by the window and watched the horizon darken more and more, and I remembered I had things to do... but it was hard to focus because my mind was still in the most dreamy places. Sometimes there are no words to describe what feels so intense that you can actually feel it throughout your whole body... like a swelling wave inside of feelings so strong it makes it hard to breathe, but not in a bad way. Quite the opposite, actually.
And then I thought about how it never fails to amaze me how much trouble so many people take to put me down for being who I am while they let absolute idiots roam free… What I mean to say is that while I’m being put down for expressing myself in my own way, others who actually say the most stupid or hurtful things are embraced and even applauded. It makes no sense to me but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m always the one getting slaps in the face.
“You shouldn’t say this, you shouldn’t say that…”
"You shouldn't do this, you shouldn't do that..."
"You should be more like this, or maybe more like that..."
Should, should not, ought to, must, must not, have to... If such words were physical entities I would burn them down to a pulp. I really would.
If people don’t like being told everything exactly as it stands then they really need to freaking stop calling themselves people who "value" such things as honesty because the truth is, and I know nobody will like it, most people (and I really mean 99%) are deluded liars. All they have is opinions that rarely even match their actions.
Just open your eyes and observe for yourself... It's not that hard to see surely... How can you not see it?...
It seems that… All the thoughts that we have remain mere opinions unless or until those thoughts begin to match our actions. Being able to achieve that is so hard and rare in itself that it tends to explain all the ‘noise’ in the world… because all people can do is think and talk about their opinions, but it is never really reflected in reality, or when it is, it’s always a distorted version of what was thought in the first place.
An obvious example would be that of politics… Thinkers came up with theories, but when people tried to implement those theories, they failed so extraordinarily that it can only highlight our inability to translate ideals or theory (the realm of well-reasoned thoughts, that is) into reality. Why? There’s not one simple answer. The mere fact that language as it stands is such a poor medium to express our thoughts is one factor that leads to failure, I suppose. Then there is the on-going process of ‘going with the flow’ which really means that societies have the tendency to evolve randomly in the sense that they are never really in perfect control of the direction they are taking; they tend to go along with circumstances and events and react to them, thus not shaping themselves with any sense of clear direction but letting themselves be shaped. That is random. And that's what spawns chaos.
Monday 18 October 2010
18/10/2010
Had a relatively early night last night, which means I was asleep by 1am. I couldn't sleep for a while, though, so at some point I propped myself up and lit up a cigarette in the dark, just thinking.
So much to do today... I found a few more jobs I can apply for so I'm having to tailor my cover letter according to the position, and that is really one of the most tedious parts of the process.
"You should hire me because... [fill in the gap with the most dubious and ass-kissing terms you can find, really, or something like that]"
I'm sorry... do I sound sarcastic? Well, I can't help it, I guess that's in my nature. I look at most things with a sceptical eye because to me everything in this world is to be doubted first. It doesn't mean that things must remain doubtful, but there is a process needed by which doubt is removed.
So I wrote a message to an old friend of mine yesterday and she replied back last night, although I only saw that this morning.
This is part of what I had written her:
"Hi.... how are you?
It's been such a long time since we last spoke... I know we've kind of drifted apart, and it happens... but I miss my good friend, because you were a good, meaningful friend to me and I wanted you to know that. [...]"
And this is part of her answer:
"hey sweetie
I know we are not much in contact but i'm always thinking about you and wondering how you are but never doing anything to find out.. sorry! [....] miss you too hun and i'm always here if you need me. hope to see you soon."
We're supposed to meet this coming Thursday, so we'll see.
As I was reading her message on Facebook, I also got to see people's latest updates. It's Monday, therefore most people's updates sound more like rants, and it reminds me of how well conditioned people are in this society. I mean... Comes Friday afternoon, everyone is getting super-excited about the coming weekend - because that's usually when they are finally 'allowed' to relax and do what they feel like doing. Just like clockwork, really. Come Monday morning, and everyone is ranting all over again and living only to get to the next Friday so that in effect people are never able to appreciate the present. How could they when they spend at least 5 days out of 7 in a week wishing they could skip forward already?
One of the most 'powerful' arguments against what I just wrote would be to reply something along the lines of "but what alternative is there?" or "how could it be any different". There is a trick here, though. Those aren't arguments at all, they are a direct reflection of society's influence that convinces us that no better alternative exists and that what we have is necessarily better than nothing.
So much to do today... I found a few more jobs I can apply for so I'm having to tailor my cover letter according to the position, and that is really one of the most tedious parts of the process.
"You should hire me because... [fill in the gap with the most dubious and ass-kissing terms you can find, really, or something like that]"
I'm sorry... do I sound sarcastic? Well, I can't help it, I guess that's in my nature. I look at most things with a sceptical eye because to me everything in this world is to be doubted first. It doesn't mean that things must remain doubtful, but there is a process needed by which doubt is removed.
So I wrote a message to an old friend of mine yesterday and she replied back last night, although I only saw that this morning.
This is part of what I had written her:
"Hi.... how are you?
It's been such a long time since we last spoke... I know we've kind of drifted apart, and it happens... but I miss my good friend, because you were a good, meaningful friend to me and I wanted you to know that. [...]"
And this is part of her answer:
"hey sweetie
I know we are not much in contact but i'm always thinking about you and wondering how you are but never doing anything to find out.. sorry! [....] miss you too hun and i'm always here if you need me. hope to see you soon."
We're supposed to meet this coming Thursday, so we'll see.
As I was reading her message on Facebook, I also got to see people's latest updates. It's Monday, therefore most people's updates sound more like rants, and it reminds me of how well conditioned people are in this society. I mean... Comes Friday afternoon, everyone is getting super-excited about the coming weekend - because that's usually when they are finally 'allowed' to relax and do what they feel like doing. Just like clockwork, really. Come Monday morning, and everyone is ranting all over again and living only to get to the next Friday so that in effect people are never able to appreciate the present. How could they when they spend at least 5 days out of 7 in a week wishing they could skip forward already?
One of the most 'powerful' arguments against what I just wrote would be to reply something along the lines of "but what alternative is there?" or "how could it be any different". There is a trick here, though. Those aren't arguments at all, they are a direct reflection of society's influence that convinces us that no better alternative exists and that what we have is necessarily better than nothing.
Sunday 17 October 2010
I don't know what to do with those surges of energy. They hit me in the afternoon, and then they hit me again in the evening. They are strong and they interfere with my thinking.
I also know it's not going to change and I need to adjust to it, one way or other. Well, no, that's not exactly true. My problem is that I have sex on the freaking mind all the time.
It's not like I woke up one morning and began to think about sex, either. To be completely honest on the matter, I think most of my fantasies always end up in a hot and steamy tangle of some sort anyway.
The first time I watched a porn movie I think I was around 13. My mum had moved the TV in my room for some reason I forgot, and of course I spent the night checking out every channel, till I came across that film. That night I began to 'discover' my body, I suppose.
Why is it always so natural and sometimes even funny for guys to openly talk about sex, and why does it so often feel uncomfortable for girls - unless of course the conversation remains 'between girls' or all the parties involved happen to be drunk off their faces? I don't really need the answer to that, because I already know why.
I want to be able to talk about anything I feel like without caring about 'proper' ways otherwise known as politness, morality or even so-called respect - or even better so-called reputation. What I mean by that is that I'm tired of society's double speak for everything. You can't say "fuck" because it's frowned upon, but you're very welcome to "fuck" people up so long as it is done in a covert or hidden way that doesn't destroy the illusion of a civilised society.
Honesty is lost the moment we seek to imply things we don't have the guts to say in a blunt, direct manner. I'm guilty of this as much as anyone else in this world.
Anyway... When I wasn't thinking about sex today, I got thinking about why it feels like such a drain for me to look for any sort of job… and I realised that’s partly because I simply don’t believe in the illusions others buy into from the word go. No matter how I look at it, everything we do in this world leads to some kind of outcome or result we wish to get to or achieve that is flawed or incomplete.
If I take the example of work, the most popular promise that attracts so many to fall for it is that of success, and success is closely linked to a desire to be recognised and praised to an extent. It’s the ego trip of a lifetime, to achieve great things and be known for it. Success as a career, for instance, is one of the most popular ways to entice people to actually focus most of their existence in just that. By the time they are done focusing on that one limited thing in life, they’ll probably be riddled with numerous other little promises to run after blindly.
But even if you don't fall for the craving for success and ego boosts, fear not - you'll probably be lured by wants of all sorts that will push you to work your ass off just so you can get your next fix, oops, I mean want. Immersed as we are in a world full of cheap commodities, it seems hard to avoid getting hooked on that one.
But... what happens when on is able to identify each of society’s promises and realise that those promises are not only empty, but that they lead in no way or form to true fulfilment?
What happens is what’s happening to me. I look at all those so-called options we are so ‘generously’ granted in life and I feel as though I’ve somehow landed in the middle of a very poorly managed circus. Or an asylum. Take your pick, here. I already know every path offered through society is a red-herring.
So I stand on the verge of this world, and I wonder where the hell is my own option… and now I realise that I have no choice but to create that option myself. I mean… If no path is actually leading to Rome as things stand (so to speak) then I need to bulldoze my own way through , and it doesn’t matter that my path has to go through the most hazardous of forests, or even beyond the highest of mountains, because I know the one thing that truly matters: I know my way will lead me where I need to be.
So… That’s why looking for jobs is such a chore to me. Society would berate me for saying this, mainly because it makes me counter-productive in its eyes… But I don’t want to be productive when I don’t believe in the system I live in!
I am in a rather rebellious mood tonight to say the least. So what? I've never felt more human.
Listening to this also helps.
I also know it's not going to change and I need to adjust to it, one way or other. Well, no, that's not exactly true. My problem is that I have sex on the freaking mind all the time.
It's not like I woke up one morning and began to think about sex, either. To be completely honest on the matter, I think most of my fantasies always end up in a hot and steamy tangle of some sort anyway.
The first time I watched a porn movie I think I was around 13. My mum had moved the TV in my room for some reason I forgot, and of course I spent the night checking out every channel, till I came across that film. That night I began to 'discover' my body, I suppose.
Why is it always so natural and sometimes even funny for guys to openly talk about sex, and why does it so often feel uncomfortable for girls - unless of course the conversation remains 'between girls' or all the parties involved happen to be drunk off their faces? I don't really need the answer to that, because I already know why.
I want to be able to talk about anything I feel like without caring about 'proper' ways otherwise known as politness, morality or even so-called respect - or even better so-called reputation. What I mean by that is that I'm tired of society's double speak for everything. You can't say "fuck" because it's frowned upon, but you're very welcome to "fuck" people up so long as it is done in a covert or hidden way that doesn't destroy the illusion of a civilised society.
Honesty is lost the moment we seek to imply things we don't have the guts to say in a blunt, direct manner. I'm guilty of this as much as anyone else in this world.
Anyway... When I wasn't thinking about sex today, I got thinking about why it feels like such a drain for me to look for any sort of job… and I realised that’s partly because I simply don’t believe in the illusions others buy into from the word go. No matter how I look at it, everything we do in this world leads to some kind of outcome or result we wish to get to or achieve that is flawed or incomplete.
If I take the example of work, the most popular promise that attracts so many to fall for it is that of success, and success is closely linked to a desire to be recognised and praised to an extent. It’s the ego trip of a lifetime, to achieve great things and be known for it. Success as a career, for instance, is one of the most popular ways to entice people to actually focus most of their existence in just that. By the time they are done focusing on that one limited thing in life, they’ll probably be riddled with numerous other little promises to run after blindly.
But even if you don't fall for the craving for success and ego boosts, fear not - you'll probably be lured by wants of all sorts that will push you to work your ass off just so you can get your next fix, oops, I mean want. Immersed as we are in a world full of cheap commodities, it seems hard to avoid getting hooked on that one.
But... what happens when on is able to identify each of society’s promises and realise that those promises are not only empty, but that they lead in no way or form to true fulfilment?
What happens is what’s happening to me. I look at all those so-called options we are so ‘generously’ granted in life and I feel as though I’ve somehow landed in the middle of a very poorly managed circus. Or an asylum. Take your pick, here. I already know every path offered through society is a red-herring.
So I stand on the verge of this world, and I wonder where the hell is my own option… and now I realise that I have no choice but to create that option myself. I mean… If no path is actually leading to Rome as things stand (so to speak) then I need to bulldoze my own way through , and it doesn’t matter that my path has to go through the most hazardous of forests, or even beyond the highest of mountains, because I know the one thing that truly matters: I know my way will lead me where I need to be.
So… That’s why looking for jobs is such a chore to me. Society would berate me for saying this, mainly because it makes me counter-productive in its eyes… But I don’t want to be productive when I don’t believe in the system I live in!
I am in a rather rebellious mood tonight to say the least. So what? I've never felt more human.
Listening to this also helps.
17/10/2010
I don't know why I freaked out last night... Maybe it was the lack of sleep. I went to bed past 3am and still managed to wake up before 10am. Isn't that amazing? (not really)
The sun is out today, or at least it is for now.
I went out for a short stroll earlier and was again taken off-guard by the chilling wind. Winter's at the door... I wonder if it will be snowing again this year. On the way back home I thought about an old friend of mine and decided to send her a quick message aknowledging the fact that we had drifted away over time, but maybe there was still a chance to reconnect?
She was a good friend to me but I pushed her away when some bad things happened and she was involved in them. I tend to be the unforgiving type and when someone hurts me, I hurt them even more. I know that about me now, and I try to keep it under control but it's hard. A lifetime of struggles (inner and out) can do that to you.
I often wonder how people manage to get such regular lives. They go to school, get a job, get married, have kids, etc... It's like their path was all traced for them (but of course I am aware that everyone has their own problems and struggles)... I mean, if you look at the bigger picture for most people, you see the same kind of path for them all.
So where is mine? Why is it I don't have a clear-cut one like everyone else?
I guess I'm just missing something, and until I find out what it is I'll remain stuck in that vicious circle. I need perhaps something that will shock me out of my comfort zone.
Also, as much as I hate to admit it, I have been listening to this and I'm not sure why, but I guess it puts me in the kind of mood I like.
The sun is out today, or at least it is for now.
I went out for a short stroll earlier and was again taken off-guard by the chilling wind. Winter's at the door... I wonder if it will be snowing again this year. On the way back home I thought about an old friend of mine and decided to send her a quick message aknowledging the fact that we had drifted away over time, but maybe there was still a chance to reconnect?
She was a good friend to me but I pushed her away when some bad things happened and she was involved in them. I tend to be the unforgiving type and when someone hurts me, I hurt them even more. I know that about me now, and I try to keep it under control but it's hard. A lifetime of struggles (inner and out) can do that to you.
I often wonder how people manage to get such regular lives. They go to school, get a job, get married, have kids, etc... It's like their path was all traced for them (but of course I am aware that everyone has their own problems and struggles)... I mean, if you look at the bigger picture for most people, you see the same kind of path for them all.
So where is mine? Why is it I don't have a clear-cut one like everyone else?
I guess I'm just missing something, and until I find out what it is I'll remain stuck in that vicious circle. I need perhaps something that will shock me out of my comfort zone.
Also, as much as I hate to admit it, I have been listening to this and I'm not sure why, but I guess it puts me in the kind of mood I like.
Saturday 16 October 2010
I got my way in the end, it seems. Just as we arrived in Oxford Street (and it was packed with even more people than I could imagine) with my uncle to meet my mother there, he said he'd forgotten to switch off the cooker on which food was on... I grinned and my mother gave me that knowing look before saying: "Aren't you happy, you get to go home because of this."
Well, someone had to switch that thing off, right? besides, I have much to think about, and much to make sense of.
I had a conversation with a former work colleague of mine earlier today and I am still profoundly surprised to notice for myself that he has a depth of thoughts I never knew about... but that's because the occasion never arised for us to get talking about things that were deeper than the usual banter and joking ways - or I could sum it up as the social 'script'.
Why am i suprised exactly? I seem under the illusion that somehow I am a completely different breed of human being and that everyone else is somehow 'lesser' than me.
I think environment has a lot to answer for. What I mean to say is that placed in the right environment, most people would be able to develop or let out their deeper selves, and if that alternative environment encouraged people to only think in depth with a mind that can be allowed to focus rather than be scattered in various directions then I would suddenly be surrounded by very meaningful people with the clear ability to match my own depth if not more.
It still doesn't resolve an issue that really frustrates me. WHY is it that every SINGLE time I finally meet people who show hopes of having the same like-minded spirit as me they have to find themselves on the other side of the world?
Is this some kind of sick joke on me? To say I haven't met meaningful people in my life would be a lie, but the pattern so far has been that every time I met such people, something would occur that would ensure we would lose touch. I would either move away or they would, for instance, and the only ones you never seem able to 'lose' are all the idiots... yes, it seems the idiots are always there for you.
I don't know... Environment is such a crucial factor to take into account. Immerse yourself in one that will favor the traits you wish to keep and anything is possible. Until then, there's just too much noise and no possibility to team up in a meanigful way for anything at all.
16/10/2010
A rainy Saturday in the world. I feel like my thoughts are stuck and when that happens feelings seem to take over my whole being.
I feel like... a giant bubble of intense feelings. Dreams are also invading my mind, transporting me far, so far... in an imaginary world that has no images to be described because the only senses involved are hearing and touch.
I had strange dreams last night. One of them saw me sitting in a room that looked more like a lab. The walls, chairs and tables were all made of metal. A tall man entered the room, barely even looking at me and yet looking as though he knew me very well. I sat at one of the tables and he handed me a piece of paper. On it was a very long list of random words written one after the other and filling the whole page, except those words seemed to have no meaning as if there were just made-up words. I wish I could remember those 'words' that made no sense because the man said to me "if your mind is really that powerful you will be able to memorise this list of words."
In the dream, i remember glancing at that long list of words that made no sense, and I remember realising that there was no obvious way to make the memorizing easier, such as remembering by association or something like that. I remember thinking bitterly that I'd need to be a freaking computer to memorise something that long and random.
I looked up at the man and mentioned that to him. That's exactly when he met my gaze and smiled knowingly. "Maybe you need to think of a different way" he said, and then he added something about finding the right algorithm. On these words, he left the room and I began trying to memorise that list of strange, meaningless words...
I had just about began to remember the first three words when another man entered the room, disrupting me by asking questions. I tried to ignore him but he just kept on talking and I remember feeling increasingly frustrated because I somehow 'knew' the other person would soon come back to see how much I could remember. Most of the dream then focused on my own thoughts as to how memory works. I began thinking (still in the dream) about how my own memory worked and suddenly I realised that the task was never really about how much of those words I could remember, it was about me being able to decypher the hidden logical pattern that linked them together... suddenly I was certain that the meaninglessness of those words on paper was just an illusion.
Then the tall man entered the room again... and that's when I woke from the dream.
Anyway... I've been roped into going to Oxford Street later today because my uncle needs to buy himself some winter clothes. It's a Saturday and that only means one thing: it will be packed with crowds of people. I told my mother I really didn't want to go but she was having none of it. So I guess that means I'm going...
I feel like... a giant bubble of intense feelings. Dreams are also invading my mind, transporting me far, so far... in an imaginary world that has no images to be described because the only senses involved are hearing and touch.
I had strange dreams last night. One of them saw me sitting in a room that looked more like a lab. The walls, chairs and tables were all made of metal. A tall man entered the room, barely even looking at me and yet looking as though he knew me very well. I sat at one of the tables and he handed me a piece of paper. On it was a very long list of random words written one after the other and filling the whole page, except those words seemed to have no meaning as if there were just made-up words. I wish I could remember those 'words' that made no sense because the man said to me "if your mind is really that powerful you will be able to memorise this list of words."
In the dream, i remember glancing at that long list of words that made no sense, and I remember realising that there was no obvious way to make the memorizing easier, such as remembering by association or something like that. I remember thinking bitterly that I'd need to be a freaking computer to memorise something that long and random.
I looked up at the man and mentioned that to him. That's exactly when he met my gaze and smiled knowingly. "Maybe you need to think of a different way" he said, and then he added something about finding the right algorithm. On these words, he left the room and I began trying to memorise that list of strange, meaningless words...
I had just about began to remember the first three words when another man entered the room, disrupting me by asking questions. I tried to ignore him but he just kept on talking and I remember feeling increasingly frustrated because I somehow 'knew' the other person would soon come back to see how much I could remember. Most of the dream then focused on my own thoughts as to how memory works. I began thinking (still in the dream) about how my own memory worked and suddenly I realised that the task was never really about how much of those words I could remember, it was about me being able to decypher the hidden logical pattern that linked them together... suddenly I was certain that the meaninglessness of those words on paper was just an illusion.
Then the tall man entered the room again... and that's when I woke from the dream.
Anyway... I've been roped into going to Oxford Street later today because my uncle needs to buy himself some winter clothes. It's a Saturday and that only means one thing: it will be packed with crowds of people. I told my mother I really didn't want to go but she was having none of it. So I guess that means I'm going...
Tuesday 12 October 2010
It's 19.17, a quiet evening full of piano notes... From Chopin to Dvorak without forgetting Satie, Rachmaninov and Debussy.
I was in the shower, immersed in a cloud of steam, when I realised that all I was feeling right now was just that... Feelings. I'd been studying closely how my moods evolved or changed over time and suddenly it dawned on me that there were ways to override moods to replace them with the ones I want. All I had to do was focus my mind. I did, and the heavy cloud lifted slowly to leave me relaxed and... calm.
I'm not going to waste my time crying over poor little self. I'm going to do exactly what I sense is right and I'm not going to look back.
Nothing is over and nothing is hopeless unless you're dead inside. And I'm not dead inside. Most people are, although they often can't see it, but I'm certainly not.
I was in the shower, immersed in a cloud of steam, when I realised that all I was feeling right now was just that... Feelings. I'd been studying closely how my moods evolved or changed over time and suddenly it dawned on me that there were ways to override moods to replace them with the ones I want. All I had to do was focus my mind. I did, and the heavy cloud lifted slowly to leave me relaxed and... calm.
I'm not going to waste my time crying over poor little self. I'm going to do exactly what I sense is right and I'm not going to look back.
Nothing is over and nothing is hopeless unless you're dead inside. And I'm not dead inside. Most people are, although they often can't see it, but I'm certainly not.
12/10/2010
I looked out the window this morning and saw the clear blue skies and sunshine. I assumed it would be a warm, sunny day, so when I went out I didn't bother with a coat. I was wrong because despite the wonderful-looking weather it was in truth very cold.
Shivering as I walked down the street to run my errands, this unexpected coldness made me think about appearances and I laughed to myself.
When I got home I went to stand in the middle of my room and gave it a sweeping glance all the while wondering "what next". Nobody answered that question for me, not even my own mind. I felt my cat rubbing himself against my leg and almost envied him for his absence of thoughts. I wondered if it wasn't this absence of thoughts that allowed him to be content with basic things such as getting his food, his regular petting and care. So long as those are given to him, he looks and behaves like the happiest and satisfied animal on Earth.
I switched my computer back on and began watching TV series online, one episode after the other, really. I watched all the latest episodes of True Blood over the weekend, then I moved on to Gossip Girl, and just finished watching that pile of teenage crap called the Vampire Diaries or whatever. Next on my list is called Supernatural, and I'm sure I can find some more to watch after that. I actually enjoyed watching all these things, and it took my mind off for a while. I wonder if I keep stuffing my brain with nonsense and fantasy if it will dumb me down enough to start playing by the rules of this world. Maybe it will make it easier after a while?
Who cares... Everyone is the same intrinsically, we just pretend to be different in the detail.
I bought a few newspapers and magazines on the way back as well. I'm going to stuff my brain with current events and see what happens to my mind.
To say that I'm officially giving up on my self and all my naive ideals would sound a little too dramatic for my taste, but so what.
I feel just like Winston at the end of 1984, actually.
Shivering as I walked down the street to run my errands, this unexpected coldness made me think about appearances and I laughed to myself.
When I got home I went to stand in the middle of my room and gave it a sweeping glance all the while wondering "what next". Nobody answered that question for me, not even my own mind. I felt my cat rubbing himself against my leg and almost envied him for his absence of thoughts. I wondered if it wasn't this absence of thoughts that allowed him to be content with basic things such as getting his food, his regular petting and care. So long as those are given to him, he looks and behaves like the happiest and satisfied animal on Earth.
I switched my computer back on and began watching TV series online, one episode after the other, really. I watched all the latest episodes of True Blood over the weekend, then I moved on to Gossip Girl, and just finished watching that pile of teenage crap called the Vampire Diaries or whatever. Next on my list is called Supernatural, and I'm sure I can find some more to watch after that. I actually enjoyed watching all these things, and it took my mind off for a while. I wonder if I keep stuffing my brain with nonsense and fantasy if it will dumb me down enough to start playing by the rules of this world. Maybe it will make it easier after a while?
Who cares... Everyone is the same intrinsically, we just pretend to be different in the detail.
I bought a few newspapers and magazines on the way back as well. I'm going to stuff my brain with current events and see what happens to my mind.
To say that I'm officially giving up on my self and all my naive ideals would sound a little too dramatic for my taste, but so what.
I feel just like Winston at the end of 1984, actually.
Monday 11 October 2010
If I had to pick a word to sum up my mood tonight I guess I would have to say 'lonely'.
One of my old school friends got married this summer... I had a look at the wedding pictures and she looked like a white angel, her face radiating with pure joy and bliss. It was strange to think back on our time as school girls back in Paris, sitting in that classroom next to each other for some ancient language lesson. That's how we got to know each other, actually. We'd get so bored, and the teacher was such a depressive lunatic that we'd exchange silly notes throughout the lesson... We were what, 14 at the time?
I remember once she had written me a note that said she was feeling depressed because nobody seemed to understand her and she felt angry all the time at everything. I told her it would pass, and I was right.
It seems I'm always right in general, I just always get it wrong in the detail.
I'm tired... I know the answer I seek won't be found sitting on my bed as I am, wallowing in self-pity and complete sense of misery.
I just don't know what to do, and I don't know what to do with myself either. I guess I just feel like shit right now.
Maybe I should find myself a hobbie after all. I'll join a club, or something. I'll join anything so long as I get to be with real people. And in the meantime I can only hope I'll finally manage to get a job that allows me to be more independent and start living in reality. And maybe I'll meet someone that way. I won't be picky this time. I might just take the first decent guy I meet, someone who's real and who can actually put up with a person like me. It might not turn out to be true love, but maybe the mainstream idea of love is good enough in the end. And if it turns out to be the worst decision ever, well, there's always the option of divorce, right?
I am such a girl after all. And the strangest part in all this is the knowledge deep down of wanting exactly what I know I don't really want, but the only way for me to get rid of that want is to make the mistake because I just can't stand the loneliness anymore.
I guess you can't run away from nature for too long, eh.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go mope around the house feeling sorry for myself some more.
One of my old school friends got married this summer... I had a look at the wedding pictures and she looked like a white angel, her face radiating with pure joy and bliss. It was strange to think back on our time as school girls back in Paris, sitting in that classroom next to each other for some ancient language lesson. That's how we got to know each other, actually. We'd get so bored, and the teacher was such a depressive lunatic that we'd exchange silly notes throughout the lesson... We were what, 14 at the time?
I remember once she had written me a note that said she was feeling depressed because nobody seemed to understand her and she felt angry all the time at everything. I told her it would pass, and I was right.
It seems I'm always right in general, I just always get it wrong in the detail.
I'm tired... I know the answer I seek won't be found sitting on my bed as I am, wallowing in self-pity and complete sense of misery.
I just don't know what to do, and I don't know what to do with myself either. I guess I just feel like shit right now.
Maybe I should find myself a hobbie after all. I'll join a club, or something. I'll join anything so long as I get to be with real people. And in the meantime I can only hope I'll finally manage to get a job that allows me to be more independent and start living in reality. And maybe I'll meet someone that way. I won't be picky this time. I might just take the first decent guy I meet, someone who's real and who can actually put up with a person like me. It might not turn out to be true love, but maybe the mainstream idea of love is good enough in the end. And if it turns out to be the worst decision ever, well, there's always the option of divorce, right?
I am such a girl after all. And the strangest part in all this is the knowledge deep down of wanting exactly what I know I don't really want, but the only way for me to get rid of that want is to make the mistake because I just can't stand the loneliness anymore.
I guess you can't run away from nature for too long, eh.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go mope around the house feeling sorry for myself some more.
11/10/2010
We seem to be having a little bit of an Indian summer over here. Well, okay, not quite, but it's warm and sunny all over again.
I'm not sure how I feel? That's a very odd and puzzling thought to have for a person such as myself, I have to say. I'm immersed in classical music still, but came across this very old song that seems to sum up the mood I'm in but that I am unable to describe in words for now. Something about the melody and the lyrics, I suppose.
I know that the dreamer in me is hurting quite badly, and that's why my mind is taking over full control of my being. As the mind works overtime to fix the bleeding heart, my person is akin to a computer put on stand-by.
So... I feel like I'm okay, but at the same time I know that whatever pain the dreamer in me is in has been purposely numbed by my mind... could that ever make sense?
One strange exercise I now find myself imposing on my self is that of not over-analysing anything at all at the moment as it is still too dangerous for me to do so. The only faculties my mind is allowed to use are logic and facts as they present themselves in front of me and I am not allowed to read between lines or over-analyse anything because my imagination kicks in too rapidly leading me back into the clutches of far-fetched fantasies.
While the fixing of my self is taking place I'm afraid my person may appear cold and distant, perhaps to the point of looking quite detached and uncaring - that is purely because my whole person is on stand-by till everything inside is fixed and running smoothly again.
Apart from that I'm fine and I don't think there's anything wrong with me - just a little glitch-fixing.
I'm not sure how I feel? That's a very odd and puzzling thought to have for a person such as myself, I have to say. I'm immersed in classical music still, but came across this very old song that seems to sum up the mood I'm in but that I am unable to describe in words for now. Something about the melody and the lyrics, I suppose.
I know that the dreamer in me is hurting quite badly, and that's why my mind is taking over full control of my being. As the mind works overtime to fix the bleeding heart, my person is akin to a computer put on stand-by.
So... I feel like I'm okay, but at the same time I know that whatever pain the dreamer in me is in has been purposely numbed by my mind... could that ever make sense?
One strange exercise I now find myself imposing on my self is that of not over-analysing anything at all at the moment as it is still too dangerous for me to do so. The only faculties my mind is allowed to use are logic and facts as they present themselves in front of me and I am not allowed to read between lines or over-analyse anything because my imagination kicks in too rapidly leading me back into the clutches of far-fetched fantasies.
While the fixing of my self is taking place I'm afraid my person may appear cold and distant, perhaps to the point of looking quite detached and uncaring - that is purely because my whole person is on stand-by till everything inside is fixed and running smoothly again.
Apart from that I'm fine and I don't think there's anything wrong with me - just a little glitch-fixing.
Sunday 10 October 2010
I went to bed past 3 am last night; the night before I didn't sleep at all until morning. It's a quiet, sunny Sunday morning, computers seem to be working just fine despite the whole conspiracy of 10-10-10...
As I sit on my bed with my laptop, I am immersed in music... I'm letting classical tunes invade my brain to sooth every part of my being. Sublime piano notes floating in the air... This one piece by Chopin seems to get to me more than others today. It's a prelude... Raindrop.
I feel rather numb to the core. What am I supposed to do next? My mind played the most elaborate and far-fetched trick on me; well, a part of my mind did, the other caught it red-handed and is now trying hard to put things right overall.
I'm going to spend more time around my family, and I'm going to carry on looking for that all-elusive job.... not because I want to join the pointless rat race of life but because one is obliged to have money to do anything in his world. That's reality.
I may not like it, I may be hating it and despising all that makes no sense in the world, and the sheer pointlessness of 99% of things we do without much thinking, I have no choice but to play by the rules for a while just so I can find a way out in the end.
Playing by the crazy rules just so one day I can get to play by my own rules.
After that, I don't know. Everything in my life is like a giant question mark at this point. Anything and nothing could happen. And of all the things that happened to me so far, I got to realise how much I craved Love in my life. I craved the ideal and perfected vision I have of it so much that I fell into a delusion, even.
I guess I'll focus on my thoughts even further for now, all the while trying hard not to run away from reality again. The problem for me is that I loathe this reality so much, and it frightens me so terribly, that I don't think I'll ever be able to stop feeling like a terrified tiny child in the face of Chaos.
Wednesday 6 October 2010
I sat cross-legged on my bed, closed my eyes and tried to empty my mind of all thoughts. At first I thought it had worked but as soon as I thought "Hey, it's working" I kind of broke the silence, didn't I?
Not to be defeated I tried again, but this time I realised my mind had by then began an imaginary conversation with someone dear to my heart in my head. I sighed and tried harder to empty my mind, but the conversation just shifted to carry on with my own self instead.
I opened my eyes and looked out the window: it was sunny and I felt compelled to go out at once. It wasn't before I was out the door that I knew where I wanted to go... and my steps led me to the closest park there is from my home. The walk that led me there sparked a flurry of thoughts dancing in my head, and it was a good 30 minute walk...
I thought about the story I spent over two years writing but that is still unfinished. I wondered which character I was closest to in that story, but actually I always knew that each and every single one of them was really a face of my self - from the purest character to the darkest - because that was always my intention.
I remembered what the old gardener had said to little Kara when she was 10 years old in the story. She was longing for sunshine and he was leaving to return to his 'country' and when she asked him what his country was like, he replied with a soft chuckle: "Where I'm from, spring never seems to leave."
I wondered whose philosophy in the story was closest to mine in reality but of course that's a pointless question because each of them represent a part of the whole that allows for the world I created to be perfect. The weakest part of that world was always going to be the Valley because there was a mixture of all thoughts at once, whereas the other parts of that world followed a more focused direction in thought and action in reality. In the end, the Valley is also the place that becomes the easiest to destroy.
I thought and thought some more but by then I had reached the park and I just went to sit on a sunny bench to watch people play tennis for a while. I thought to myself: "I'd actually like to play tennis," mainly because I felt buzzing with energy, so much energy always but I never know what to do with it.
I carried on with my walk all the way to the small lake and watched the sunshine reflecting on the water like gold. I took some pictures, all the while listening to my I Pod and then this song came on and let's just say it made me rather dreamy.
On the way back I saw painting materials displayed in one shop window and decided to buy some, not caring whether I'd actually do anything with it or not. I realised they didn't have any oil paints, only acrylic, but so what, I thought. I never tried acrylic paint, and that was enough to convince me to buy some. And some brushes as well.
It also reminded me of my last summer in Paris. I'd just turned 17 and was spending my time copying paintings from Monet. As we were struggling to make ends meet I went to my mother and told her about a great idea I'd just had. I'd apply myself so well to the craft that I'd make perfect copies I would then sell to people and maybe I could even become a really good con-artist and make a living out of it. She laughed at the idea. And then we moved but the idea stayed behind, I guess.
I have this strange fantasy where I write all the things I have in my head and then I burn everything to a dead pulp. I watch it all burn before my eyes and when there is only ashes left I ask myself whether any of it was ever real. A variant of that fantasy involves me writing everything I have in mind and then bury it deep in the ground to leave it to chance.
I have to say that's the sort of thoughts I find sublime.
Nothing much I feel like doing today. It’s not that I feel bad, I just don’t have the strive for anything, because nothing appeals to me. Nothing really holds any true interest or purpose to me, so I can’t see the point in doing anything at all.
I would need to delude myself just like everyone else that everything we do in life somehow has a point - but the truth is that we only keep passing the time from the moment we are born till the day we die. In between these two events, we just keep building sand castles everywhere at random, always seeking our next fix - which would be those fleeting moments that feel like ‘happiness’.
I dislike such fleeting moments of happiness almost just as much as I dislike feeling miserable, for the main reason that these moments never last, they are like the carrot being dangled in front of one’s nose to ensure they’ll keep going and won’t get too desperate. What I mean to say is that such feelings are like in-built mechanisms that ensure we remain functional to an extent.
Fleeting moments of joy are like Life’s way of patting you in the back before kicking you down again when you least expect it but the effect remains the same: most of us will keep searching for that next moment of fleeting joy as if it were possible to make it last forever… Right.
The ideal itself of happiness must exist, but in itself it is part of the highest state that could ever be reached, and if we could reach it at any point during our lifetime then I wonder what would happen next. If pure and complete happiness could be reached, it seems to me that it would be akin to suddenly being frozen in one precise moment in time where all that is felt is that intense bliss provided by sheer contentment immersed in complete perfection. And then what? I guess it must be impossible for any imperfect creature to envision perfection in all its splendour.
Happiness was never the key. If anything, it is an in-built trick of the mind to ensure most of us will always possess the strive to do something, anything, without actually losing the will to live.
Every single one of us go through periods of what they will call ‘happy times’ or whatever, and for sure it makes for nice memories… But I noticed for myself that it was often during such times that I was less creative. It fits the pattern, doesn’t it? Aren’t most artists, for instance, at their most creative and insightful when they feel tortured?
I have yet to meet a ‘happy’ writer, or a happy painter, or a happy composer… I’m not talking about all the commercial drones producing art like some factory, by the way. And also by the way I am not an artist, I just really fancy the idea of being one.
What does hold true is that we need those fleeting moments of joy in life, but one should never assume that it is what one must go after as their main goal in life. These fleeting moments are just like aspirin tablets, you’re only supposed to get them when you have a headache. It’s only there to give you a boost to keep you going, nothing much else. Yet most people are hooked on the idea that they can somehow find ‘happiness’ as though it were something tangible one could buy off the shelves of a supermarket. And the new trend is to strive for a peaceful world where ‘every child matters’ or ‘every person must be saved’ or whatever… Come off it. The whole world is playing God with the equivalent of a toddler’s learning and understanding capacity.
Next time someone asks me 'who are you' I'll reply: "I'm everything you're not."
Friday 1 October 2010
There is a moon hiding behind the dritfing clouds of night... I'm just watching it slowly disappear from sight... Going, going... gone.
When I was little, everything felt simpler - I had no notion of future because my brain just wasn't formed enough to know better. How I know that? because I already used to think too much back then and I remember telling myself to 'remember, because you will want to know for later'... Yes, that's right, there is a reason why I remember, and that's because I would actually stop myself in action as a tiny child to tell myself to remember what I thought. That's exactly why I still remember to this day.
I want to say "I have nothing more to say" but guess what? I always have something to add. There is always one-more-thought dying to come out.
When I was little, everything felt simpler - I had no notion of future because my brain just wasn't formed enough to know better. How I know that? because I already used to think too much back then and I remember telling myself to 'remember, because you will want to know for later'... Yes, that's right, there is a reason why I remember, and that's because I would actually stop myself in action as a tiny child to tell myself to remember what I thought. That's exactly why I still remember to this day.
I want to say "I have nothing more to say" but guess what? I always have something to add. There is always one-more-thought dying to come out.
And I don't actually care whether it's all been thought before, as obviously it has never been listened to even coming from the mouth of the most prominent thinkers of the past and present.
Dreams are lovely... Imagination allows us to survive reality, and without it I'm pretty certain there would be a wave of mass-suicides at once. I got caught up in the beauty of it, and it was too easy to build all these perfect worlds in my head, pretending that I could actually dream my life instead of living it.
But now... I know it's time to wake up and start living for real. Wouldn't it be such a shame to waste away all of these dreams by keeping them trapped within a dream?
I don't know how it's possible to feel so old in your head and yet be able to look around you with eyes filled with child-like amazement. That's exactly how it feels for me.
Maybe things need to hurt for a while before they get better. Maybe the best lessons to learn from are those that hurt because then you can never really forget. Of course it's easier said than done.
I have this 'theory' based on pain that spans the whole spectrum between total destruction and positive motivator, and I never got around to put it into proper words, actually. Maybe some day I'll sit down and get it out of my head.
Maybe some day someone will come across this little blog and think: "Hey, this sounds just like something this girl I know would say... Her name is S..."
01/10/2010
A rainy first day of October...
The kids in the playground are being told to go stand in line to get back to class… It will be quiet again for a while, I guess. How they happily run to join their line, carefree and laughing… They don’t know yet that reality is far removed from the laws of the playground. Nothing to worry about, mind you, as most of them will have no problem adapting to the transition. I watched my own peers adapt seamlessly to this world, going through the motions of how one is supposed to live and act in society as though it were second nature. Out of all these tiny kids I see running about carelessly, I wonder which one will turn out to be the odd one out, just as I was. Since appearances are so deceptive, it’s unlikely to be the kid standing alone in a corner… for all we know it could be one of the most lively ones surrounded by others… for now.
The view I get from my window is absolutely fascinating. I get the chance to observe children in one of the most fundamental environments to shape them. I almost wish I got to see into their classrooms… but the windows are too far.
Uncle gets irritated by the noise, but I just get lost too deep in thought to notice the screams and shouting.
There comes a point when you realise that some things are out of your human control. Some things shape themselves in a way that you cannot impact on. Not even when those things are at the heart of your own existence. I tried, and every time I tried to force circumstances away from their own shaping - the ones out of my control -, I failed miserably. Whereas the majority is invariably reined back in to fit within the rules of reality, and society, I am invariably reined back in to stand right on the verge of it all to observe that majority.
One of my most cherished fantasies was to escape reality, I never thought that perhaps my wish had been granted - with a twist. Since I am physically bound to this plane of existence like everyone else, I could not ‘escape’ as such… But something else did escape and I’m still trying to figure out what it all means.
Sometimes I feel as though I'm stuck in some variant of reality even though I can still interact with you people who live in the main reality. That’s the first time I manage to explain it as clearly as I ever could. That’s right. I am stuck in an alternate universe all the while being able to communicate and interact with the mainstream universe… but I am ruled by an alternate one. That’s why I feel that wall all the time, isn’t it?… that barrier that prevents me from ever understanding people's limited version of reality.
But.. don’t think for a second that my alternate universe is any better… It's mostly just... different. I am allowed to dream to my heart's content and I get to see beyond the landscape and appearances of all things while all others can only perceive what their eyes show them, and very little beyond that... I'm like a technician behind the scenes of this world, taking notes of all the glitches and flaws, but I'm a bit of a slacker and somehow forgot who I'm supposed to report to.
No matter how confusing things get, I always like to think in terms of light and darkness... There always has to be light… how else would we know what darkness is like if there never was a constant streak of light to guide our very steps?
Light and shadows… this is another fundamental of reality.
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