As I couldn't sleep last night, I watched the latest episode of the reality series called The Apprentice which is basically about a bunch of people who fancy themselves as the best business people out there. So they are put through various stupid challenges, from selling buns in a market to launching a new brand of bottled water or whatever. They do all this and are fired by the boss one after the other as they fight to secure that 100k salary working for him.
I have to say the people they pick to go on that show are fascinating and cringeworthy all at the same time. Most of them are so arrogant and full of themselves... they carry that know-it-all attitude about them even though their lack of capability shines through for all to see - except they can't see it for themselves. That's the problem with arrogance and over-confidence, you see. Have too much of both and you will for sure fall into the trap of thinking you're always right even when you're most definitely wrong. The ability to question yourself goes out the window and it becomes second nature to look down on all those who try to set you right by simply dismissing the critics for idiots who just don't get you. In the end, it's just as bad as completely lacking in confidence because it leads to the same outcome: a waste.
Everything really is about striking a perfect balance, it seems. While I tend to think in extremes, maybe I need to start focusing on a balance between each extreme. Maybe then I'll get somewhere. But when I think of balance, it goes hand in hand with the notion I have of harmony, and my idea of it is slightly different from the norm. I see harmony as the all-encompassing notion that allows all beings to finally complete one another seamlessly.
I'm meeting a friend later and I'm kind of glad that I am because I've been staying on my own for too long. It was an interesting experience, but it had to end at some point because it wasn't helping, and it wasn't getting me anywhere.
Most people around me are surprised I still don't have a job, some of them ask me how come I'm never in some relationship, others ask me what I've been up to and don't understand that I have a completely different take on what's important in life. Even if I try to explain... it comes out all wrong anyway.
I think the reason I still didn't find a job is because I haven't been trying that hard. Because part of me is put off by the idea, simply because no job I come across appeals to me. In that light it's easy to accuse me of just being too fussy, or maybe even lazy.
I am none of these things... I just understood too much too soon.
I always knew it would happen... That if I couldn't somehow escape before I turned into an adult, I would be stuck in what often feels like hell.
And I keep wondering about the role of women in this world. By role, I really mean their standing and place in general... It has become so mixed-up and confusing. On the one hand, they are expected to look and behave just like females in most species that inhabit this planet, on the other they are also expected to act like men by being uber-independent, strong and... well, just like men. What is so wrong about being a vulnerable female who can also show some independence, but without having to feel like she has to compete to 'beat' men?
It makes for a strange new breed of females, if you ask me. And I do start to think it explains why so many are mainly confused and, well, emotionally unstable.
I'm not saying that the way it used to be before was any better - far from it. I'm just thinking about the way things are now. It's different from the past, but it doesn't make it better just because it's different or it has changed somewhat.
The difficult thing for me is that I never had any strong template imposed on me about things like family and relationships. Most people are influenced in their beliefs and behaviours in those area of life based on their childhood experiences of them.
I had no model that would fit anywhere, I kind of made up my own 'models' for myself, choosing from the various things I observed and depending on which seemed to make more sense, I added them to my own template, or idea of what family and relationships ought to be like.
That really means that I'm always expending my vision of such things, based on what I think makes more sense and what feels right rather than basing myself on the stiff models out there. Since most people can only adopt one of such stiff models, I guess it comes as no surprise that I should be constantly misunderstood.
I never really allowed myself to explore my feminine side, and maybe the fact that I've been living in the family home for so long explains it in part. It seems that so long as you live with your parents, it's too easy to act like a kid without responsabilities. However I have to say that these past few weeks have at least allowed me to get to know that side of me much better, and I liked that. I actually needed that. I do strongly believe that one day I could make a good companion, not only based on that natural nurturing nature I have in me, but also because I am capable of unconditional love, and not everyone is able to develop that depth of love. It's simply a good thing to know for myself. And that's really the only conclusion I needed to reach.
Apart from all this, it's another very cold day in London with clear blue skies... although patches of clouds can be seen approaching from the distance. I have also been listening to this and this, from Mobi.
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