I went to bed past 3 am last night; the night before I didn't sleep at all until morning. It's a quiet, sunny Sunday morning, computers seem to be working just fine despite the whole conspiracy of 10-10-10...

As I sit on my bed with my laptop, I am immersed in music... I'm letting classical tunes invade my brain to sooth every part of my being. Sublime piano notes floating in the air... This one piece by Chopin seems to get to me more than others today. It's a prelude... Raindrop.

I feel rather numb to the core. What am I supposed to do next? My mind played the most elaborate and far-fetched trick on me; well, a part of my mind did, the other caught it red-handed and is now trying hard to put things right overall.

I'm going to spend more time around my family, and I'm going to carry on looking for that all-elusive job.... not because I want to join the pointless rat race of life but because one is obliged to have money to do anything in his world. That's reality.

I may not like it, I may be hating it and despising all that makes no sense in the world, and the sheer pointlessness of 99% of things we do without much thinking, I have no choice but to play by the rules for a while just so I can find a way out in the end.

Playing by the crazy rules just so one day I can get to play by my own rules.

After that, I don't know. Everything in my life is like a giant question mark at this point. Anything and nothing could happen. And of all the things that happened to me so far, I got to realise how much I craved Love in my life. I craved the ideal and perfected vision I have of it so much that I fell into a delusion, even.

I guess I'll focus on my thoughts even further for now, all the while trying hard not to run away from reality again. The problem for me is that I loathe this reality so much, and it frightens me so terribly, that I don't think I'll ever be able to stop feeling like a terrified tiny child in the face of Chaos.