I don't know what to do with those surges of energy. They hit me in the afternoon, and then they hit me again in the evening. They are strong and they interfere with my thinking.

I also know it's not going to change and I need to adjust to it, one way or other. Well, no, that's not exactly true. My problem is that I have sex on the freaking mind all the time.

It's not like I woke up one morning and began to think about sex, either. To be completely honest on the matter, I think most of my fantasies always end up in a hot and steamy tangle of some sort anyway.

The first time I watched a porn movie I think I was around 13. My mum had moved the TV in my room for some reason I forgot, and of course I spent the night checking out every channel, till I came across that film. That night I began to 'discover' my body, I suppose.

Why is it always so natural and sometimes even funny for guys to openly talk about sex, and why does it so often feel uncomfortable for girls - unless of course the conversation remains 'between girls' or all the parties involved happen to be drunk off their faces? I don't really need the answer to that, because I already know why.

I want to be able to talk about anything I feel like without caring about 'proper' ways otherwise known as politness, morality or even so-called respect - or even better so-called reputation. What I mean by that is that I'm tired of society's double speak for everything. You can't say "fuck" because it's frowned upon, but you're very welcome to "fuck" people up so long as it is done in a covert or hidden way that doesn't destroy the illusion of a civilised society.

Honesty is lost the moment we seek to imply things we don't have the guts to say in a blunt, direct manner. I'm guilty of this as much as anyone else in this world.

Anyway... When I wasn't thinking about sex today, I got thinking about why it feels like such a drain for me to look for any sort of job… and I realised that’s partly because I simply don’t believe in the illusions others buy into from the word go. No matter how I look at it, everything we do in this world leads to some kind of outcome or result we wish to get to or achieve that is flawed or incomplete.

If I take the example of work, the most popular promise that attracts so many to fall for it is that of success, and success is closely linked to a desire to be recognised and praised to an extent. It’s the ego trip of a lifetime, to achieve great things and be known for it. Success as a career, for instance, is one of the most popular ways to entice people to actually focus most of their existence in just that. By the time they are done focusing on that one limited thing in life, they’ll probably be riddled with numerous other little promises to run after blindly.

But even if you don't fall for the craving for success and ego boosts, fear not - you'll probably be lured by wants of all sorts that will push you to work your ass off just so you can get your next fix, oops, I mean want. Immersed as we are in a world full of cheap commodities, it seems hard to avoid getting hooked on that one.

But... what happens when on is able to identify each of society’s promises and realise that those promises are not only empty, but that they lead in no way or form to true fulfilment?

What happens is what’s happening to me. I look at all those so-called options we are so ‘generously’ granted in life and I feel as though I’ve somehow landed in the middle of a very poorly managed circus. Or an asylum. Take your pick, here. I already know every path offered through society is a red-herring.

So I stand on the verge of this world, and I wonder where the hell is my own option… and now I realise that I have no choice but to create that option myself. I mean… If no path is actually leading to Rome as things stand (so to speak) then I need to bulldoze my own way through , and it doesn’t matter that my path has to go through the most hazardous of forests, or even beyond the highest of mountains, because I know the one thing that truly matters: I know my way will lead me where I need to be.

So… That’s why looking for jobs is such a chore to me. Society would berate me for saying this, mainly because it makes me counter-productive in its eyes… But I don’t want to be productive when I don’t believe in the system I live in!

I am in a rather rebellious mood tonight to say the least. So what? I've never felt more human.
Listening to this also helps.