The skies are a deep bright blue today, and you can already smell winter in the air.
So many thoughts floating in my head... I wish I was ready to express them all fully, but I can't. Not yet at least.
The friend I met last week called me yesterday afternoon from her workplace. She asked me what I was doing, I said I'm just listening to the music channel on the television. She said: "You're so lucky, I'm stuck at work with nothing to do, so I thought I'd call you." She asked me rather severely if I had prepared my cover letters which I was planning to send the next day to apply for various jobs. I told her that I did, and then the conversation drifted to her growing anxiety at the prospect of meeting a guy she hadn't seen in a year or so... He is coming to visit her in a couple of weeks and told her he'd booked a posh suite in a very expensive hotel for his overnight stay. It's not that the guy in question is rich, he just happened to know someone who works there and kind of got a good deal out of it.
She talked to me about her mixed feelings, her apprehension, her doubts... Then with a small voice she said: "I'm scared of the idea of going to that hotel with him."
At her words I laughed softly and told her to stop thinking about what may or may not happen. I told her she needed to stop imagining in advance and to force herself to keep a blank mind about it because the more she would imagine what could happen, the more she would stress over it, and the more likely it would be that none of the things she imagined would come true anyway.
"I know it's a hard thing to do, but block any thought you have of that meeting," I told her, "You only need to know he's coming, but don't imagine what's going to happen. You'll know what to do when it's happening, you'll know how you feel then."
She was worried because they hadn't seen each other for so long, and he wants to take her to that posh hotel when she's really just a simple girl who couldn't help but feel out of place, adding to her anxiety, I suppose. I used humour to relax her and it worked. Well, at least I think she listened to me.
I'm not one to boast, but when it comes to facing the unknown, I'm right there ahead of many people. It's okay to be scared of the unknown, we wouldn't be human if we weren't, but I know better how to overcome those fears. I zap them out of my mind, which I keep free of any expectations so that I am not hindered by fears - the very ones that keep us all at a distance from true understanding of all things.
By the end of our phone conversation she told me she was glad she'd called... that I seemed to understand everything so well. I simply reminded her not to dwell on the meeting until perhaps the day before. I mean, the way I also see it is: what's the point stressing over something that is still relatively far away in time? No point spending the next two weeks as an anxious wreck when the reality will turn out very differently from what she imagined anyway.
Personally, I have a heart that is too soft. Any one of you people could hurt me so easily and make me bleed from within without much effort at all. I often feel like the heroine of some tragic story (my life) that has yet to unfold completely, but deep down I'm already at peace with whatever tragic outcome that's in waiting. Why? Because I'm dramatic and passionate. I'd pick the tragic ending any time over merely existing blindly for the sake of it.
I feel at my most isolated when surrounded by people. They only seem to remind me of my own differences and the fact that although I seem to fit in with them in appearance, I remain invariably worlds apart from them.
I know by now that a lot of people think they can relate well to that notion of alienation... and to an extent I can see that many could really relate. However this feeling of alienation I feel within is the True one, and that's why it allows me to delve so deep into it to uncover every true face that makes up such a feeling... like every other feeling I am capable of experiencing.
I never just 'feel', I feel the purest and most heightened form of every single emotion that exists.
Anyway... I've been invited to watch a movie this afternoon. We're going to see Paranormal Activity 2. I never saw the first one, and I'm not too keen on the whole 'Blair Witch' style of filming that makes the camera jump all the time to give a so-called 'real' feel to it. I'm simply going because I'm focusing on what is real in my life, and I guess real people qualify as part of my reality.
And... my heart hurts. It's bleeding so bad I'm actually amazed it's still beating against my chest, so to speak. Having said that, it's not like a wounded heart could ever stop me from achieving my true aim in life... If that ever were the case, I would have turned into yet another zombie a long time ago.
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