If I had to pick a word to sum up my mood tonight I guess I would have to say 'lonely'.

One of my old school friends got married this summer... I had a look at the wedding pictures and she looked like a white angel, her face radiating with pure joy and bliss. It was strange to think back on our time as school girls back in Paris, sitting in that classroom next to each other for some ancient language lesson. That's how we got to know each other, actually. We'd get so bored, and the teacher was such a depressive lunatic that we'd exchange silly notes throughout the lesson... We were what, 14 at the time?

I remember once she had written me a note that said she was feeling depressed because nobody seemed to understand her and she felt angry all the time at everything. I told her it would pass, and I was right.

It seems I'm always right in general, I just always get it wrong in the detail.

I'm tired... I know the answer I seek won't be found sitting on my bed as I am, wallowing in self-pity and complete sense of misery.

I just don't know what to do, and I don't know what to do with myself either. I guess I just feel like shit right now.

Maybe I should find myself a hobbie after all. I'll join a club, or something. I'll join anything so long as I get to be with real people. And in the meantime I can only hope I'll finally manage to get a job that allows me to be more independent and start living in reality. And maybe I'll meet someone that way. I won't be picky this time. I might just take the first decent guy I meet, someone who's real and who can actually put up with a person like me. It might not turn out to be true love, but maybe the mainstream idea of love is good enough in the end. And if it turns out to be the worst decision ever, well, there's always the option of divorce, right?

I am such a girl after all. And the strangest part in all this is the knowledge deep down of wanting exactly what I know I don't really want, but the only way for me to get rid of that want is to make the mistake because I just can't stand the loneliness anymore.

I guess you can't run away from nature for too long, eh.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go mope around the house feeling sorry for myself some more.