22/08/10

You can't miss what you don't know...

If there is one sentence that must never be forgotten, it is this very one. Once you know, even but a glimpse of what it is you were always missing... It's over. You can never forget, and you can never dismiss it.

Time has never seemed to pass so slowly. It doesn't help that I happen to have so much time on my hands... but it's not like I would want to be busy like everyone else.

My thoughts are in such a fog... I am only feeling these days. I never really allowed myself to feel in reality, so it's kind of new to me and it makes me increasingly wary of pain.

I have also spent so much time living through words only that it has turned me into quite a champion when it comes to use words as a weapon. It frightens me so much at times, that I could accidentally hurt another without meaning to... just because they happen to trigger a negative emotion...

I have to be more aware and responsible in the way I choose my words. Why? because mine will always have a strong effect, or they will grow to have a deep impact, and therefore I feel responsible in the way they ought to impact on others.

Its just so hard to control my aggressive urges when facing morrons... or mindless people... It's like a strong allergy that makes me want to crush not so much the person, but the limited mind behind. Just to... make them think, even for a mere split second, beyond what is fake and illusory. Beyond the mindless opinions they adopt every day without even realising it. Beyond their own conditioning which they embrace whole-heartedly.

It's disgusting.

Apart from that... I am immersed in a cloud of feelings... and part of me is very afraid that gravity will kick in again at some point to have me crash down to Earth... and then what? Who will be there to help me get up again?

18/08/10

08.15 am...

Well, I slept surprisingly well last night, considering all that happened. But what happened exactly?

I don't know if I'll ever get to know.

I was blinded by my own desire to see through the lies - this in effect meant that I was always staring past the masks, and that ultimately made me act in what could be seen in others' eyes as nonsensical.

I'm such an inner drama queen. Capturing emotions isn't so good it seems, because it is devoid of any perspective.

Whatever did happen, my mind will expend from the experience, as it always does regardless of outcomes.

As for my heart... well, it's still out there, it still belongs... to a ghost in my life.

I guess that's it for now.

It's so sunny outside... It would be a shame to waste such a beautiful day stuck indoors as I have been doing recently.

I don't think I want to hide from reality anymore. I am free, therefore I can be and do anything I want, anything my mind sets out to be and do.

After all, we only are prisoners of our condition so long as we believe we are. Believe that you are free, and truly - you are.

Whatever I do next, I guess I'll keep you posted.

Until then....

18/08/10

It's 1.08am... I've just received the biggest punch in the face, so to speak.

I guess I just want to capture the emotions of the moment, and then sleep on it, and then... I don't know.

It hurts so damn much... Everything was a lie. Everything was part of a deception based on... illusions and more lies. Deceit. making you hear only what you want to hear. To deceive you.

That's people for you.

But all i can think of is: why do this to me? Why make me suffer so ruthlessly? What is the aim of such implaccable cruaulty on my person?...

Yes, I was always too naive. maybe now I've learned. i guess only time will tell.

Right now... I feel shattered. I was chasing a ghost. Yet another in my life.

I... feel like... I've been gutted like a fish, emptied from within. What's left of me?

These past three months... were all an illusion in which I got caught up. And now it's time to wake up and smell the coffee.

It's time to join reality, no matter how much I hate it.

It's time... to just accept that everything is rotten and nothing can be done about it.

13/08/10

It's 10.58am exactly as I type these very words... A flurry of thoughts and emotions are twirling in my head...

It feels.... as though I found a way to that tiny breach out of reality in my head at least... And I never want to let go.

Eyes wide open I dream and sigh, like a silent whisper... And if all this is but a dream, can I please never be made to wake up from it?

I am so naive... As naive as a child can be, I suppose, which is why I can relate to little ones so easily... why I lose myself in the simplicity of moments.... Always aiming to live that precious moment Time relentlessly turns into memory.

And there is no tomorrow, of course. Only today... until today fades away in the night.

This one life we have... I will never understand how it is possible for anyone human not to be willing to risk it all to reach for more... even if all fails, and despite all the pain... Why be alive at all if all life will ever be is what others dictate it should be?

But... I have a very different outlook from most. I know what pain is. I had quite a few rough life experiences in my life... it was never so bad in the sense that you can always find someone who went through worse things, but it was enough to push me to the brink... of realising that this life as we know it... it isn't serious. It isn't valuable. It is just... existing because we happen to be here.

So... Ironically... Instead of destroying me, pain led the way to a burning desire to always seek more. And that is why, despite my natural loathing of suffering, I know deep down how important an aspect of human life it becomes.

The only thing that can destroy you is death. Until then there is always - always - hope. Dreams... even if a monster always take our dreams away.

Anyway... It's windy outside... I should get up from that chair and eat something, really... I'm going to make an effort and drag myself back into the cold reality of things, sit at the kitchen table with my uncle and ask him what he would like to visit today.

And just as I write this... Rain starts pouring!..... This is truly amazing. That means I may just be able to indulge in plan B of the day, which would be going to the movies...

09/08/10

I feel... good. Relaxed, I guess.

I woke up at dawn, and it's not even as though I set out to wake up so early... I just did. I opened my eyes, lying on my back to stare at the white ceilling... Then sunshine seeped into the room, warm and unrestrained. It hurt my eyes to stare at the sudden brightness.

I seem to have messed my sleeping pattern up... But always I wonder: what if I am always asleep and only think myself awake? The ultimate life-deception... I used to think that real life was when we dreamed - and dreams (or should I say nightmares?) were when we were awake... At times, I force myself back to sleep at random times just so I can escape in dreams, but I no longer remember my dreams so well. When I do, they are so vivid that I never want to wake up.

I watched a crap movie last night called 2012... enough said. As I lay on the sofa my mum came to sit next to me and put her hand on my arm. She said: "I miss you."

I glanced at her but this time I did not smile. This time I did not make a joke. I got irritated. I shrugged her hand off and replied: "I'm always there."

"I know you are," she said quietly. And then she went to bed.

I stayed up till the film ended, but I lost track of the plot half-way through. It's not like there was much of a plot to begin with, just cities being blown off for kicks. People love it, don't they? They believe in things like 'peace, justice...' but give them something to destroy and they'll be like babies stumping on sand castles. No fucking sense. Complete, absolute, infinite stupidity hidden behind layers of granted knowledge they cram in their head all the time.

Remove the layers and guess what? Emptiness follows... I am harsh. I know I am. Uncompromising... I can't help it.

Part of me is so ruthless... It's just that I want to aim for what makes the most sense. I want to be free to think and uncover everything there is to uncover while I have this brain of mine. I'll only get it once.

Today... I don't know what I'll be doing. I'm not setting any rules for myself, that's for sure. I do have, however, a lot of thoughts to sort out in that head of mine.

I almost forgot... Yesterday I went to visit the one person I still call 'friend'. I appreciate her company from time to time for the main reason that she never pretends to be anything she isn't. She is rude, ill-mannered, bad-tempered... has been in fights countless times, is lazy, tells doctors she is mentally ill so they sign her off work... That is kind of clever, actually.
And... i can be part of myself with her. I can just be... me. Almost. It's not like I can share my thoughts with her, but I don't need to worry about social expectations and rules.

So I went to visit her yesterday and her 5 year-old nephew was there. I've seen him a few times in the past, but it was so cute to see that he remembered my name. He kept throwing shy looks at me and I would ruffle his blond hair. Kids always seem to love me, I just have no authority over them because when I'm around kids, well, I become one myself. I never forgot what it felt like to be a child, so I know... I understand. I feel their careless attitute, the freedom of the mind before it is molded by society. Their honesty is irresistible, too.

One thing is for sure: I should never be put in charge of looking after kids because I'm irresponsible. I'll actually play along with whatever mischief kids are up to.

Oh what am I... a cluster of everything the world can't stand? It's painful, but hey, that's life. I could say 'my life is so unfair' but fairness is a concept invented by unlucky people. Justice, on the other hand, makes sense when based on reason.

I think I'm also quite the inner drama queen... I just feel so much, it's uncanny. For so long I tried to find an explanation for my weirdness... I assumed I must suffer from some kind of mental disorder... I wouldn't mind, because if I was mad, then there would be a chance I was also a genius. The two often go hand in hand, don't they. Madness is underrated in any case.

But really, I'm not weird, people are! I just have no one else to agree with me, therefore I must be 'wrong'...

So I thought maybe I suffered from some mental illness, but all the doctors I saw disagreed. Their advice to me? Stop thinking. Just make friends and have fun.

Yeah. Sure.

07/08/10

It's raining outside... a mist of rain, really. It's strange to have a man in the house. My uncle arrived last week. Mum actually went to fetch him all the way from that tiny town where she was born and grew up because she is trying to rekindle her family relationships. Whatever dude. That family is so fucked up, I'm actually thankful I was never taught the language. That means they can't talk to me, and they can't bullshit me with all their nonsense. She just hit the big five zero, maybe that's why... For what it's worth, I think my uncle has become her new pet project. She got it into her head that it was time for her to save the man, so she brought him over here to stop him from drinking himself to death (he is a middle-aged divorced alcoholic). That also means I am no longer the centre of her universe and... It feels liberating. It means that maybe, just maybe, I'll finally be able to do the things that matter to me without having to constantly worry about her.

Still, it's strange to have a man in the house. It makes me more conscious of my environment, although not so much that I would suddenly start caring about what may be expected of me.
The one thing that seems to have changed is that I haven't once sat down with mum just to talk in weeks. We're like two strangers exchanging a few words here and there when I pop out of my room into the kitchen or living room. She goes to work before dawn and usually isn't back before the evening. Once she's back, she sits in the kitchen and talks in her native language with her brother. I don't mind at all, actually... At least it makes it much easier to hide the sorrow eating at me at the moment.

My uncle must think I'm very strange, which at this point seems to be a correct assumption to make about me. I feel quite detached from everything and everyone right now... I keep to myself and go along with only the bare expectations so I don't get any hassle from anyone. The cat remains always by my side, of course... My little furry companion who happened to grow so deeply attached to me because I got him as a tiny kitten... It's better than nothing, isn't it?

I'm spending too much time on the computer as well... Listening to music, typing away my thoughts, gazing out the window at the sky for ages... It makes me laugh when I think that my uncle must be very surprised that I don't act like any person my age. He's used to a much old fashioned kind of living, in a way. Most of my cousins are either married by now with children, or they are pursuing a career of some sort. Yet it emerged that I am the only one in the family to have actually gone to university. All the others either got married, or started working straight out of high school. I'm also the only 'artistic' one out of that lot, in the sense that nobody else shares an interest in things like writing, painting or music. Talk about feeling outside the box.

I don't do anything around the house, I don't even bother to help with chores because I never really had to, but I think it surprises my uncle. He's used to seeing the girls spending their time in the kitchen or looking after the house in general. I just don't care. I can't bring myself to think that such things are of importance.

Today is Saturday, it's exactly 12.48pm as I type these words... Since the weather is foul I might spend most of my time loafing around the house with a rather empty gaze. If my mum or uncle smile at me, I'll smile back for sure. I'll even throw a stupid joke here and there for the sake of keeping up appearances. I might go to the library later and rent movies. A few CDs also. I still need to build up my classical playlist. I'm fed up with fake music, although I still enjoy some from time to time, but I prefer old songs these days.