09/08/10

I feel... good. Relaxed, I guess.

I woke up at dawn, and it's not even as though I set out to wake up so early... I just did. I opened my eyes, lying on my back to stare at the white ceilling... Then sunshine seeped into the room, warm and unrestrained. It hurt my eyes to stare at the sudden brightness.

I seem to have messed my sleeping pattern up... But always I wonder: what if I am always asleep and only think myself awake? The ultimate life-deception... I used to think that real life was when we dreamed - and dreams (or should I say nightmares?) were when we were awake... At times, I force myself back to sleep at random times just so I can escape in dreams, but I no longer remember my dreams so well. When I do, they are so vivid that I never want to wake up.

I watched a crap movie last night called 2012... enough said. As I lay on the sofa my mum came to sit next to me and put her hand on my arm. She said: "I miss you."

I glanced at her but this time I did not smile. This time I did not make a joke. I got irritated. I shrugged her hand off and replied: "I'm always there."

"I know you are," she said quietly. And then she went to bed.

I stayed up till the film ended, but I lost track of the plot half-way through. It's not like there was much of a plot to begin with, just cities being blown off for kicks. People love it, don't they? They believe in things like 'peace, justice...' but give them something to destroy and they'll be like babies stumping on sand castles. No fucking sense. Complete, absolute, infinite stupidity hidden behind layers of granted knowledge they cram in their head all the time.

Remove the layers and guess what? Emptiness follows... I am harsh. I know I am. Uncompromising... I can't help it.

Part of me is so ruthless... It's just that I want to aim for what makes the most sense. I want to be free to think and uncover everything there is to uncover while I have this brain of mine. I'll only get it once.

Today... I don't know what I'll be doing. I'm not setting any rules for myself, that's for sure. I do have, however, a lot of thoughts to sort out in that head of mine.

I almost forgot... Yesterday I went to visit the one person I still call 'friend'. I appreciate her company from time to time for the main reason that she never pretends to be anything she isn't. She is rude, ill-mannered, bad-tempered... has been in fights countless times, is lazy, tells doctors she is mentally ill so they sign her off work... That is kind of clever, actually.
And... i can be part of myself with her. I can just be... me. Almost. It's not like I can share my thoughts with her, but I don't need to worry about social expectations and rules.

So I went to visit her yesterday and her 5 year-old nephew was there. I've seen him a few times in the past, but it was so cute to see that he remembered my name. He kept throwing shy looks at me and I would ruffle his blond hair. Kids always seem to love me, I just have no authority over them because when I'm around kids, well, I become one myself. I never forgot what it felt like to be a child, so I know... I understand. I feel their careless attitute, the freedom of the mind before it is molded by society. Their honesty is irresistible, too.

One thing is for sure: I should never be put in charge of looking after kids because I'm irresponsible. I'll actually play along with whatever mischief kids are up to.

Oh what am I... a cluster of everything the world can't stand? It's painful, but hey, that's life. I could say 'my life is so unfair' but fairness is a concept invented by unlucky people. Justice, on the other hand, makes sense when based on reason.

I think I'm also quite the inner drama queen... I just feel so much, it's uncanny. For so long I tried to find an explanation for my weirdness... I assumed I must suffer from some kind of mental disorder... I wouldn't mind, because if I was mad, then there would be a chance I was also a genius. The two often go hand in hand, don't they. Madness is underrated in any case.

But really, I'm not weird, people are! I just have no one else to agree with me, therefore I must be 'wrong'...

So I thought maybe I suffered from some mental illness, but all the doctors I saw disagreed. Their advice to me? Stop thinking. Just make friends and have fun.

Yeah. Sure.