Last night, something strange happened - inside my head, I suppose. I was sitting in someone else's kitchen, reading an old newspaper going on about Amy Winehouse's death. And then someone started talking about something trivial that everyone is 'supposed' to do, and words escaped my mouth before I could even stop myself. I wanted to say how bullshit it all is, how much none of it should even EXIST, and as I started rambling about just that, I was greeted by mere silence and raised eyebrows.
At that precise moment, I never felt more alone in my own ability to see how fake this society is, and how much I am trapped in some dystopia of a world where everyone else will look at you as though you're the crazy one.
It was a mounting process, I guess. I now spend my days surrounded by people, having to bite my tongue constantly every time someone says something stupid or brainwashed... One of my greatest fears was always to lose the ability to monitor like a dictator what comes out of my mouth in front of these people... and now... now it's slipping away from me. Like a volcano, the magma is just coming out of my mouth in bursts beyond my control.
Last night, I retreated swiftly away from people before more of my desperation could be spotted. I wished so much I could close my eyes and when I'd open them again, everything would be different - this whole fucked up reality would be gone and I would finally be able to live as a real human being.
God I hate this world.
I can't cope with being among people so much. By people, I mean all the sheep. I just... I can't. It drives me nuts beyond words.
My social mask is melting down. More and more, I lose the ability to bite my tongue, but what I have to say... No one likes it. I'm an extreme-sounding person who wouldn't hurt a fly - but my words are true, perhaps not always accurate, but REAL - from a THINKING human being, not a mere shell that looks human and parrots what others say.
I hate this world SO fucking much. This asylum.
And everything is FAKE.
Having spent some time mulling over what you have said here I can only say how refreshing it is to hear someone say what I have been thinking for many years. It is something I have alluded to in conversations I have had with friends, although not quite the way you have approached it, as I tended to approach it from the angle of how materialistic everybody is. Not only the desire to have things to show their perceived worth but also the 'must have' things that are produced to satisfy our consumption.
ReplyDeleteI suppose it's a bit like the credit rating system they use for a countries financial status although I'm on really shaky ground on this analogy. But maybe that's how society now likes to measure people; a nice house, car, clothes, gadgets and gizmos in your house/car/person. It's all a bit bland and boring to me, maybe because I don't really have those things but the question I ask myself is do I really want that? Do I want to be measured like that? Am I not worth more than a cursory glance to see if I've got the latest iPhone or dressed in the latest trend? Ultimately none of that really matters and people who think that it does are fools who have bought into the here and now.
So really everything is fake but for the vast majority of people it is just all too real; a bit like 'The Matrix'. So the question you have to ask is which one to swallow; the red one or the blue one?
I have to say the quality of your comments are refreshing, too. One reason I started writing blogs was to be able to express all the things I can never express in any social situation without either being ignored or considered a weirdo. But the amount of things that shock me, depress me and anger me became so much that I really needed a place to express my self without having to play the social game of expectation, be it in terms of what we're expected to do, say, or think among others just as trapped in this illusory and corrupted 'society'.
ReplyDeleteEverything is mostly about appearance. The 'higher' the sphere of influence, the more guarded and censored one has to be when they speak or express themselves... The job I have right now is like a crash course to experience first-hand how much of this world is based on appearance and social expectations.
When I was younger, I was more ambivalent with regards to materiality. I knew it wasn't what mattered, yet I kept being pulled to an extent by the constant re-enforcement within society of making you WANT things endlessly. We live in a setting where almost everything around you is telling you that you need to get this or that - nonstop. It's not a society, and we are no longer human beings, it's a consumption machine and we've become customers as well as commodities ourselves with a price linked to how big our pockets are. Our only 'role' is to keep the machine going by overworking ourselves and then spend the money we get. Work, spend, work, spend... In other words, consume, consume, consume, and then die.
The majority of people are nothing but the reflection of the power above them. Whatever system prevails, it will then be reflected in its people with only a minority capable of questioning it. It's all about influence, it's always been about influence.
Our current society reminds me of ancient Rome in a way, during the decadent era that led to its destruction. It led me to wonder whether we've evolved at all since that time, or have we just upgraded the landscapes? We may have all this mind-blowing technology, but in terms of human/mind growth, most are just as backward and limited as ever...