31/12/2010

A few hours left. A few hours left until the new year. How do I feel? I woke up early and buzzing with thoughts... I love it when that happens because I'm not talking about any sort of buzzing thoughts... It's when I can feel a deep thread of reasoning is about to emerge clear as daylight for me to then take the time to translate into words.

It's hard to explain... In my head, I understand things in such deep and intricate ways, mainly because my mind is able to handle a LOT of factors all at once... But the difficulty was always that I'm often unable to sit down and write in a way that will lay out the reasoning including all the factors my mind is able to take into account at once. I think that's because when you try to express thoughts, you can only write or speak one idea at a time - the reasoning process needs to be broken down in steps to lead to the conclusion. Within the mind, all these steps are processed simultanuously. Well, in my mind it seems to be the case.

So I really need to sit down and start the process of expressing each factor my mind is able to take into account, each of them leading the way to the conclusion I reach... something like that. It's the only way to... finally express a perfected theory that showcases exactly the very high number of factors my mind took into consideration when coming to certain conclusion. The only way to express in depth my visions and understanding, and if I can do just that (just!) then I can already sense it would make it very hard to find any flaw in it. Why? Because I will have thought of all the possible factors and arguments possible against each and every single thing I express.

I tried to go to sleep at an earlier time last night... But I couldn't sleep. I stared at the white ceiling for some time, and then it got me thinking about things.

Society is very clever in the way it imprisons us. It will encourage even the best of us to follow our passions and dreams within its mainstream settings, so that in effect, we never see in time that we're being sucked into the vicious circle of having to slave away (work) for a living - rarely earning or saving enough to break free to actually pursue in depth the core of our passions in life, or to break free from the machine itself. Why rarely earning or saving enough to break free? Because we end up addicted or caught up in a certain lifestyle or other that rests on us spending all the time so that this society can keep existing in all its flaws...

If only society wasn't so cunning at tricking us in such a way, we would see that the key always was to select the work that pays the most with the aim to save enough to one day be able to break free to focus on our true passions and dreams.

30/12/2010

One day left. One day left until the new year. How do I feel? rather empty and dejected.

I can't keep doing what I've been doing... I spent too much time delving into the chaotic world of the internet. I learned a few things about how easy it is to be deceived by appearances, or coincidences, for instance. I suspect I learned much more than I can say now. But like all experiences, there is time to say enough is enough, it went as far as it could go and it's time to... move on.

Move on... These words are often used in all sorts of situation when something comes to an end, or if things are going wrong.

A new year is dawning, and I don't want to be stuck doing what I've been doing for the past few months.

I know that in my mind and heart, there was always something specific I was searching for, and that every time I spoke to someone online, I was allowing my imagination to trick me into believing that there was something more to the person, that the person would somehow turn out to be the one I was looking for... But it was never the case, and how could it ever be?

Dejected and lost as I feel now, I've been playing with the Tarot cards my friend got me for Christmas... It gave me something to do, I guess... I shuffled the cards and then turned the first few ones on top of the stack to see what they would supposedly reveal. A Queen of Swords showed up, together with justice and temperance, alongside another card that means reduced strengths, and those were supposed to tell me about me and my present situation. The hanged man showed up for my fears and hopes... and then for the outcome or things to come the King of Cups appeared.

I looked at the cards, shook my head, and shuffled all the cards again to draw new ones. The Queen of Pentacles showed up this time, along side... Justice and Temperance - again. The outcome? King of Cups.

I gathered all the cards back together and put them back in a drawer. Whatever, you know... you can always make your own meaning of things fit with such things. Just like horoscope and other things. What these things can never do is tell you "Aliska, this is exactly what your problem is (gives concrete example of your problem) and this is what you ought to be doing (tells you exactly what you should be doing from A to Z)..."

Harmless indulgence, I suppose.

I bought my new paints, I have my new camera... It's time to delve back into my mind and regain som perspective and inner strength.

I know my heart will never feel the same again... I can never forget what it was I felt and that I'm still feeling. Someone said to me last night that I lack faith in what I feel so strongly... perhaps that person is right. I do need more faith in my life, and by that I don't mean religious faith, I mean the true meaning, the absolute one of Belief... Faith.

Faith in oneself, faith in life, faith in better things to come knowing that there is always a challenge to be overcome because it's part of the path... that of being human.

If you asked me what happened during these past few months, the truth is that I wouldn't know what to say. One would have to possess the ability to dive into my very heart and see for themselves. No word could ever be enough.

No word.

29/12/2010

Two days left. Two days left before the new year. Yet another year. I feel it already. Another year.

But maybe it already was? if we could detach ourselves from the detail of living, the tiny ants that we are on the surface of this Earth... Maybe we would see that time is all times at once, that past is as much present as it is about to unfold... Maybe.

Time is linked to gravity. Somehow. I can't prove it. I don't care, I can feel it.

If I close my eyes, I can see that little house in the middle of nowhere, where there is no I, or you... And when I knock on the door, someone opens it slowly, like in the movies, but I can never see the face.

Looking up at the night skies, black as ink and unfathomable in their deep darkness... Thinking about the boy and his fox... About wheat fields and the shining gold of a lost sun... about how quiet the night always is, and when the world is finally asleep, there is nothing but my own heartbeat to hear.

Nothing to say... nothing to think... Nothing that feels like it matters in any way.

Alone stands for:

- Alinenated

- Lonely

- Otherwordly

- Endings

Why not?

I'm just like the fox in the story. That's exactly why I felt like crying when I first read that passage all these many years ago...

"But if you tame me, it'll be as if the sun came to shine on my life.
I shall know the sound of a step that'll be different from all the others.
Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground.
Yours will call me, like music out of my burrow.
And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder?
I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me.
The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad.
But you have hair that is the color of gold.
Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me!
The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you.
And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat…" "

Except there was never any Little Prince to be my true friend. And I don't care to be reminded that 'you never know what will happen tomorrow', that everything could change... I dont care!
Some things don't change because the world is made to work in a certain way and... and...

26/12/2010

Another year has almost come and gone... In-between just a blur of actions, thoughts, dreams, sighs, aspirations and occurrences...

I walked into the kitchen this morning to make myself a cup of coffee, and my mother had left the radio on while she went back to watch the TV. A deep French speaking voice was reading the story of the Little Prince, and I recognised the story at once because I happened to catch the exact part when the Little Prince meets the fox... I never read the whole little book, except a few chapters, and I never forgot this one. So... I found myself sitting down at the table to listen to that chapter being told to me again after so many years.

It was then that the fox appeared. "Good morning" said the fox."Good morning" the little prince responded politely although when he turned around he saw nothing.

"I'm right here" the voice said, "under the apple tree."

"Who are you?" asked the little prince, and added, "You're very pretty to look at."

"I'm a fox", the fox said.

"Come and play with me," proposed the little prince, "I'm so unhappy."

"I can't play with you," the fox said, "I'm not tamed."

"Ah! Please excuse me,"said the little prince.
But after some thought, he added: "What does that mean—'tame'?"

"You do not live here," said the fox, "What is it you're looking for?"

"I'm looking for men," said the little prince. "What does that mean—tame?"

"Men,"said the fox, "they've guns, and they hunt. It's very disturbing.
They also raise chickens. These are their only interests. Are you looking for chickens?"

"No," said the little prince. "I'm looking for friends. What does that mean—tame?"

"It's an act too often neglected," said the fox. "It means to establish ties."

"To establish ties?"

"Just that," said the fox. "to me, you're still nothing more than a little boy
who's just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you.
And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you I'm nothing more than a fox
like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other.
To me, you'll be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world …"

"I'm beginning to understand," said the little prince.
"There's a flower. . .I think she has tamed me…"

"It is possible," said the fox. "On earth one sees all sorts of things."

"Oh but this is not on the earth!" said the little prince.

The fox seemed perplexed, and very curious.
"On another planet?"

"Yes"

"Are there hunters on that planet?"

"No"

"Ah that's interesting! Are there chickens?"

"No"

"Nothing is perfect," sighed the fox.
But he came back to his idea.
"My life's very monotonous," he said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me.
All chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike.
And in consequence, I am a little bored.
But if you tame me, it'll be as if the sun came to shine on my life.
I shall know the sound of a step that'll be different from all the others.
Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground.
Yours will call me, like music out of my burrow.
And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder?
I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me.
The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad.
But you have hair that is the color of gold.
Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me!
The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you.
And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat…"

The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time.
"Please—tame me!" he said.

"I want to, very much," the little prince replied. "But I've not much time.
I've friends to discover, and a great many things to understand."

"One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox.
"Men have no more time to understand anything.
They buy things all ready made at the shops.
But there's no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship,
and so men have no friends any more.
If you want a friend, tame me…"

"What must I do, to tame you? asked the little prince.

"You must be very patient," replied the fox.
First you'll sit down at a little distance from me – like that – in the grass.
I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing.
Words are the source of misunderstandings.
But you'll sit a little closer to me, every day…"

The next day the little prince came back.

"It would have been better to come back at the same hour," said the fox.
"If for example, you came at four o'clock in the afternoon, then at three o'clock
I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances.
At four o'clock, I shall be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am!
But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour
my heart is ready to greet you… One must observe the proper rites…"

"What's a rite?" asked the little prince.

"Those also are actions too often neglected," said the fox.
"they're what make one day different from other days, one hour different from other hours.
There's a rite, for example, among my hunters. Every Thursday they danse with the village girls.
So Thursday's a wonderful day for me! I can take a walk as far as the vineyards.
But if the hunters danced at just any time, every day would be like every other day,
and I should never have any vacation at all."

So the little prince tamed the fox.
And when the hour of his departure drew near—

"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."

"It's your own fault," said the little prince.
"I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you…"

"Yes that is so", said the fox.

"But now you're going to cry!" said the little prince.

"Yes that is so" said the fox.

"Then it has done you no good at all!"

"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields."
And then he added: "go and look again at the roses.
You'll understand now that yours is unique in all the world.
Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make you a present of a secret."

The little prince went away, to look again at the roses.
"You're not at all like my rose," he said.
"As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one.
You're like my fox when I first knew him.
He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes.
But I have made a friend, and now he's unique in all the world."
And the roses were very much embarrassed.
"You're beautiful, but you're empty," he went on. "One could not die for you.
To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you
–the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she's more important
than all the hundreds of you other roses:
because it is she that I have watered;
because it is she that I have put under the glass globe;
because it is for her that I've killed the caterpillars
(except the two or three we saved to become butterflies);
because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled,
or boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing.
Because she is MY rose."

And he went back to meet the fox.
"Goodbye" he said.

"Goodbye," said the fox.
"And now here's my secret, a very simple secret:
It is only with the heart that one can see rightly;
what is essential is invisible to the eye."

"What is essential is invisible to the eye,"
the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."

"It is the time I have wasted for my rose–"
said the little prince so he would be sure to remember.

"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it.
You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.
You are responsible for your rose…"

"I am responsible for my rose,"
the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

From "The Little Prince" by Antoine de St. Exupery.

21/12/2010

I'm having a hard time translating any thought I may have into words these days... It seems to happen when too many different thoughts are clashing inside my head. This clash leads to a temporary inability to express any thought whatsoever.

I was saving some old documents in a different format this afternoon, right before I went outside and realised that the snow was turning into horrendous mud everywhere (that's the part I don't like about snow in the city... when it starts melting and turns into sludge). These documents were old diary entries from as far back as 2006, when I actually began to write my thoughts on screen rather than on loose pages.

I always seemed to like to give a main title to each diary, so the one that started in 2006 was called 'Diary of a Hopeless Mind', and it gave a fleeting account of my worst woes with depression, I suppose. But the worst of it was never even written down, or only briefly on paper ('LET ME DIE' etc). That first on-screen diary spanned a period of around 2 years, and I suppose it was during that time that I got into the habit of writing my thoughts down more and more often - to the point I reached where I now do it almost every single day. Contrary to what people expect from a diary form of writing, I never liked writing about the daily trivialities of my reality; instead, I naturally prefered dwelling on the deeper thoughts that came to mind, often starting from one trivial point and delving into its bigger significance. I never really had a reader in mind, not even an imaginary one... It was always between my person and my mind, diving into the endless realm of possibilities and mysteries of life in all its aspects.

That first on-screen diary starts with a clear reminder of how fucked-up I was at the time, in the full grip of an eating disorder that started with the flawed ideal of killing the body to free the mind. I hated everything about society and life, nothing made sense and I was lost in what felt like nothing more than constant chaos no matter where I looked. Of course, the downside of weakening your body is that eventually your mind will be paralysed and caught in very distorted visions. But... flirting with madness was something I always felt I needed to do, and the eating disorder allowed me a unique glimpse into the core of what madness means in reality... Always flirting with that notion of madness, so that in effect, I could remain with the flexibility to still be 'sane' - which really means, the ability to drag myself out of the realm of madness whenever my mind felt the need to do so.

Between the age of 19 and 24 I was made to go and see so many health experts, so-called psychologists and shrinks... I was interested, of course. I loved the excuse to express my strange mind to people who were supposed to understand so much about the human psyche. What I would not have given just to see what they would write in their files about me... I was so curious.
Then I realised that they were all idiots with limited minds that needed to follow rules from books to tell you what your problem is... So I dropped out and no one was able to force me back where I only saw a pure waste of time. None of them could give me insight into my own workings, therefore I began to delve into my mind myself, and that's when I actually made my way back to sanity.

That first on-screen diary that spanned two years of my life ended just as I was about to get kicked out of university because I could not longer afford the tuition fees... So I had no choice but to differ my final year for the following year. Just as I was starting to finally emerge from my deep sense of depression and alienation, this had to happen. It made me so angry this time, that instead of falling to pieces it became the crutial factor that allowed me to snap out of it for good.
I woke up one morning, looking around me in horror... everything suddenly looked clearer than it ever had since I was born. That's when I started my second diary, called 'Dive Into the Void', and from then on, there was no looking back. I began to write about my thoughts on a daily basis (almost), and pages were filled so quickly that in the space of perhaps 3 months, it was time to start another one... called 'Adrift'.

By the beginning of 2009, Adrift ended and Equinox began... The word equinox came to mind as I stared at the blank page on screen... I was waiting for the right title to come to me, and when that word came, I was rather perplexed. Equinox means that day and night are the same length exactly.



Well... That diary proved one that chartered some of my worst moments in life, that's for sure. In retrospect, that period of time really was about experiencing as much darkness as moments of light. And then... by summer, I decided that my next diary would have no title, and I even told myself that I would stop delving into deep thought... I guess my mind had other ideas. Less than 3 months later, it was time for yet another diary of thoughts, this time entitled "The Other Side", and focused on my new-found interest in all things Godly. I was looking for signs, I suppose, and flirting with a lot of theories that took into consideration the possibility of a higher power that stands far out of our reach and beyond...

I took another look at Christianity, the faith I happened to be born into although without ever having to follow it in any way. I began to read the Bible, to see if some answers to my millions of questions about true meaning and life could be found there. My mind took a keen interest in all the things that allowed for deeper reflection on certain notions, and only remembered what seemed to make sense, or what seemed to add to its many possible theories. My disgust at RELIGION itself never waned, though. If anything, I have never been more convinced that the way men 'follow' a certain religion or other is flawed to the core and religion itself becomes a flawed reflection of people seeking easy ways not to have to find answers for themselves.

'Just follow the routine... Go to church, pray xxx number of times a day... You'll be fine then.'

'So what if a tradition makes no sense? It's not your place to question it. Just repeat the same nonsense like everyone else.'

People would laugh if I told them that I only saw the hidden depth and beauty of the notion of a God when I read the last book from the Narnia series... The thing is, I had been looking for the first one in the series for ages because I wanted more examples of battle writing in books (for my own 'book' I was writing), but I could never find it, till one day I saw the last one in the series on sale for 20 pence outside the library. It looked so much like a book for babies... but it was 20 pence! I thought, what the heck, I'll just buy it even if I never read it.

Still looking into the hidden depths and possible wisdoms of sacred books, I started another diary called "Pater Sangini", which coincided with my return to university for my final year of studies. A lot of my observations now had to do with people and social interaction in general. By February of this year, it was time for "Chasing Ghosts", and let's just say that when that title naturally came to mind, I didn't like the sound of it AT ALL. And what do you know, coincidences have a way to kick you in the teeth when you least expect it... during that period, not only did my mother's family come back in my life, but I also found my long-lost father on facebook... Ha-ha.

Since that diary was getting so long, I decided to create a new one, called "Shooting Stars", which pretty much covered all my thoughts - as usual, from most basic to the deepest - during last summer... And now the current one in which I add my thoughts almost daily, called "Beyond the Void."

So I was saving all these files and the same urge as always came back, that of deleting everything at once. But before I do just that, I need to gather the few good thoughts lost in all these worthless pages of thoughts...

More and more I feel like it's time to move on from simply indulging in deep thought... Since my mind is going in circles around the same notions, I keep feeling as though it's almost time to expend my mind's horizons, either to include more factors to dwell on, or to deepen my current deeper understanding of absolutely everything under this sun. I guess that's why I haven't been updating my other blog much.

One thing I do know, though... I truly am an alchemist of the mind. And I'm strong enough to follow the path that leads to true enlightenment... And I really don't care what anybody thinks, because I know my visions/understanding are at least righter than wrong.

I couldn't sleep last night. Someone could have cut the atmosphere in the house with a knife... I was lying in bed, staring mostly at the white ceiling, thinking how alone we always all are, no matter how many people happen to surround us. I thought that it was quite true: we are always alone in our own head, and nothing can change that. It then becomes a question of how much we like to live with our own selves, and sadly I don't think a lot of people like their selves at all. In fact, I suspect that many cannot even bear the thought of spending time alone with their self... so they grow afraid of being left alone, because being alone means having no choice but to face your own mind, your own self.

So they seek to be in the company of others constantly, just so they can ignore their own selves. They hang onto the company of others and busy themselves with as many things as they can so the void within can be at least numbed, or forgotten... even though it is still there.

It's all an illusion of course, for no matter how many surround us, we are all ultimately alone, and the only way to actually start appreciating the company of others is by starting to appreciate our own. This illusion so many people strive to bury themselves in (that of ignoring their own selves and never be alone for too long) reminds me of one I used to have when I was younger and still frightened to spend the night alone in an empty house. To give myself the illusion of a human presence, I would leave the TV or the radio on, so voices would fill the room, and suddenly I was no longer so afraid of whatever monster or ghost that might be about to get me ( I have way too much imagination, and sometimes it works against me).

Last night I realised that I had no one I could turn to just to rest my head on their shoulder when I needed it the most. I patted myself on the shoulder, yes I did, and you know what? My own self cheered me up. Yes I am alone, yes I have no one to turn to... but I have myself, and in that sense I can never be lonely.

But... We are social animals, after all. Some things in life are needed just to keep in balance as far as life is concerned. I sighed to myself and finally drifted to sleep.

I woke up before dawn, amazingly enough, and just enjoyed watching the sky slowly light up from its shroud of dull darkness. As I walked into the kitchen, I met my uncle there. He looked terrible. My mother had tried pleading with him one last time the night before, but he was adamant that he wanted to leave, and then he insulted her, and then she told him to get lost. He began to give me his own version of what the whole argument was about, and since I barely understand his language, all I could do was nod and smile. Previously, I had been made to listen to my mother's version, and now I guess I had to listen to his.

I smiled and nodded for a good 20 minutes as he went on and on, but I did understand the times when he was actually insulting my mother as he explained his story to me. Still, I listened and nodded. Then he gazed at me and said something like: "But you sweetheart, you are great. I love you." And that's when he hugged me.

Yeah... And that made me wondered how different his view of me would have been if I had known how to speak his language. Surely there would have been no way for me to avoid being dragged into their arguments.

And then I was reminded of that stranger paradox again. Aren't we more likely to always hurt the ones we know, perhaps even the ones we like, more than a mere stranger in the street? I was always fascinated to watch people arguing in public places, and while they give one another the darkest of looks if not worse, they never forget to politely - and often with the sweetest of smiles - open the shop door for you, the stranger.

Here, I play of course the role of the 'stranger' to an extent. I stand aside, neutral, and in the end in the best position of the story.

One thing my uncle added once his rant was over was to tell me something about how I had eyes inside me. I had no idea what he was on about so I asked him what he meant maybe three times, and that's when he pointed at his eyes, and then at his chest: 'you have eyes in there, too.'

I wished I could have told him that he had them too, he just needed to find the strength to seek them, and then keep them wide open.

03/12/2010

I find trees most fascinating... I think of them as silent guardians, or witnesses, of this world, and perhaps in that sense they remind me of my own self - I feel a connection.
Not so long ago I began reading on legends and folklore about trees and plants, I even began learning how to diferenciate between types of vegetation... but I discovered it wasn't so easy a task. Still, a fascinating and soothing task for my mind.

My mother told me once that I had always had a fascination for trees, and hands, actually. I don't remember gazing up at tree branches for hours on end, but I do remember that as a tiny child I used to play with my hands a lot. Each hand was a family, and both hands represented feuding families or clans. Each finger became a character, and always in the story one finger from each hand would fall in love with the opposite one, leading all the others to fight in a bid to separate them. I remember playing like that when I was bored, or had no toys around to play with. To this day, if I focus on my hands, I can still see them as 'characters' the way I saw them when I was little.

I get sad often because in my head I see what life could have been like - how peaceful and full of wondrous beauty in the simplicity - and it clashes with the reality that others have shaped for me, and the rest of us. I’m so beside everything else and every point in life that I keep questioning why the heck I’m here at all. I’m a glitch of human nature, a loose vector floating along the spectrum of Time in a sea of mostly predictable vectors (that would be you people). I also don’t like this reality because the world in my head is better, full of contrasts and colours, and my world within is always striving to better itself. It is a mixture of fantasy and reason stretching to infinity. Reality roots my body in place with invisible shakles. My eyes are like a window for my imprisonned mind to look out at a tiny piece of the world with no hope to ever be set free while the body (materiality) prevails in this realm.

I’m not interested in a lot of things, and I have very, very few ‘passions’ - yet I am open to everything. I don’t care about much, and I’m hard to rope into a trend, or a wordly obsession, because everything that man creates is pretty much part of a delusion, or a mere illusion. Everything created apart from art is created either to complicate what needn’t be, or to confuse the mind. I skip that part and like to look beyond the veil. So I don’t fit anywhere because I just don’t buy into our reality as it was shaped for us.

Sometimes I wish I could erase the body and only live through the mind... but that's pointless, I know. It's like saying you want to set sail without an actual boat to carry you on your journey.
Maybe it's all about the lack of love in the end.

01/12/2010

Such a cold first day of December... Where I live it isn't that bad, mind you; there is barely any snow on the ground, that's for sure. It's just the icy gusts of wind... These feel like they could freeze your face if you stay out for too long.

I woke up early today, and spent some time sorting out my mess of papers and notebooks I'd thrown in a pile on a shelf. I came across old CDs that looked badly damaged by lack of care. Still, I recognised them and wondered if they could still be played - and they could. These were pirate CDs they used to sell for a few quids on that huge black market in Warsaw. Of course the trick was that when you bought one of those you could never be sure they would actually be working, or even if the songs that were supposed to be on them were really there.

I remember the very first time I ventured into that market. One girl from the school I had just started attending had asked me to come along with her because she wanted to buy some make-up and other cheap trinkets. I followed her there, wide-eyed and curious, looking around me at the hundreds of stalls everywhere, many of them filled with all sorts of junk. At some point we walked past a stall (well, it wasn't a stall, just a couple of guys standing with their gear lying on a blanket) displaying a gun with its silencer for sale - complete with a balaclava and a pair of black gloves. I glanced back at what I had just seen and pulled my friend's sleeve to have her look at it. We then glanced at each other, chuckled, and carried on walking.

That same morning, as we wandered about the market, a homeless-looking man stopped us and began dangling a tiny puppy in front of our noses. Naive as we were, we started stroking the puppy's head in awe and the man suddenly thrust the dog in my friend's arms before asking for 50 zloty for it. My friend shook her head and thrust the dog back into the man's hands, but then we both felt so bad for that poor puppy... Just before that happened, my friend had been telling me how her parents were planning to buy a dog, so I said: "why don't you buy this one, then?" She thought it made sense, after all, a dog is a dog, right?

That day, instead of buying some make-up, she ended up buying a puppy on that market... of course, as soon as she handed the money to the man and found herself with a puppy in her hands, she glanced at me and said blankly: "now what?"
We were supposed to return to school for the afternoon classes, but there we were with that puppy on our hands. I can no longer remember what we did next, but I do remember how angry her parents were when she brought that stray puppy back home. In the end, they dumped him on the doorstep of some neighbours and later bought a pedigree puppy.

Yeah... It seems that what looks good will always tend to prevail over what is actually good in general.

And today my thoughts are stuck. Maybe the icy winds managed to freeze my brains.