I'm having a hard time translating any thought I may have into words these days... It seems to happen when too many different thoughts are clashing inside my head. This clash leads to a temporary inability to express any thought whatsoever.
I was saving some old documents in a different format this afternoon, right before I went outside and realised that the snow was turning into horrendous mud everywhere (that's the part I don't like about snow in the city... when it starts melting and turns into sludge). These documents were old diary entries from as far back as 2006, when I actually began to write my thoughts on screen rather than on loose pages.
I always seemed to like to give a main title to each diary, so the one that started in 2006 was called 'Diary of a Hopeless Mind', and it gave a fleeting account of my worst woes with depression, I suppose. But the worst of it was never even written down, or only briefly on paper ('LET ME DIE' etc). That first on-screen diary spanned a period of around 2 years, and I suppose it was during that time that I got into the habit of writing my thoughts down more and more often - to the point I reached where I now do it almost every single day. Contrary to what people expect from a diary form of writing, I never liked writing about the daily trivialities of my reality; instead, I naturally prefered dwelling on the deeper thoughts that came to mind, often starting from one trivial point and delving into its bigger significance. I never really had a reader in mind, not even an imaginary one... It was always between my person and my mind, diving into the endless realm of possibilities and mysteries of life in all its aspects.
That first on-screen diary starts with a clear reminder of how fucked-up I was at the time, in the full grip of an eating disorder that started with the flawed ideal of killing the body to free the mind. I hated everything about society and life, nothing made sense and I was lost in what felt like nothing more than constant chaos no matter where I looked. Of course, the downside of weakening your body is that eventually your mind will be paralysed and caught in very distorted visions. But... flirting with madness was something I always felt I needed to do, and the eating disorder allowed me a unique glimpse into the core of what madness means in reality... Always flirting with that notion of madness, so that in effect, I could remain with the flexibility to still be 'sane' - which really means, the ability to drag myself out of the realm of madness whenever my mind felt the need to do so.
Between the age of 19 and 24 I was made to go and see so many health experts, so-called psychologists and shrinks... I was interested, of course. I loved the excuse to express my strange mind to people who were supposed to understand so much about the human psyche. What I would not have given just to see what they would write in their files about me... I was so curious.
Then I realised that they were all idiots with limited minds that needed to follow rules from books to tell you what your problem is... So I dropped out and no one was able to force me back where I only saw a pure waste of time. None of them could give me insight into my own workings, therefore I began to delve into my mind myself, and that's when I actually made my way back to sanity.
That first on-screen diary that spanned two years of my life ended just as I was about to get kicked out of university because I could not longer afford the tuition fees... So I had no choice but to differ my final year for the following year. Just as I was starting to finally emerge from my deep sense of depression and alienation, this had to happen. It made me so angry this time, that instead of falling to pieces it became the crutial factor that allowed me to snap out of it for good.
I woke up one morning, looking around me in horror... everything suddenly looked clearer than it ever had since I was born. That's when I started my second diary, called 'Dive Into the Void', and from then on, there was no looking back. I began to write about my thoughts on a daily basis (almost), and pages were filled so quickly that in the space of perhaps 3 months, it was time to start another one... called 'Adrift'.
By the beginning of 2009, Adrift ended and Equinox began... The word equinox came to mind as I stared at the blank page on screen... I was waiting for the right title to come to me, and when that word came, I was rather perplexed. Equinox means that day and night are the same length exactly.
Well... That diary proved one that chartered some of my worst moments in life, that's for sure. In retrospect, that period of time really was about experiencing as much darkness as moments of light. And then... by summer, I decided that my next diary would have no title, and I even told myself that I would stop delving into deep thought... I guess my mind had other ideas. Less than 3 months later, it was time for yet another diary of thoughts, this time entitled "The Other Side", and focused on my new-found interest in all things Godly. I was looking for signs, I suppose, and flirting with a lot of theories that took into consideration the possibility of a higher power that stands far out of our reach and beyond...
I took another look at Christianity, the faith I happened to be born into although without ever having to follow it in any way. I began to read the Bible, to see if some answers to my millions of questions about true meaning and life could be found there. My mind took a keen interest in all the things that allowed for deeper reflection on certain notions, and only remembered what seemed to make sense, or what seemed to add to its many possible theories. My disgust at RELIGION itself never waned, though. If anything, I have never been more convinced that the way men 'follow' a certain religion or other is flawed to the core and religion itself becomes a flawed reflection of people seeking easy ways not to have to find answers for themselves.
'Just follow the routine... Go to church, pray xxx number of times a day... You'll be fine then.'
'So what if a tradition makes no sense? It's not your place to question it. Just repeat the same nonsense like everyone else.'
People would laugh if I told them that I only saw the hidden depth and beauty of the notion of a God when I read the last book from the Narnia series... The thing is, I had been looking for the first one in the series for ages because I wanted more examples of battle writing in books (for my own 'book' I was writing), but I could never find it, till one day I saw the last one in the series on sale for 20 pence outside the library. It looked so much like a book for babies... but it was 20 pence! I thought, what the heck, I'll just buy it even if I never read it.
Still looking into the hidden depths and possible wisdoms of sacred books, I started another diary called "Pater Sangini", which coincided with my return to university for my final year of studies. A lot of my observations now had to do with people and social interaction in general. By February of this year, it was time for "Chasing Ghosts", and let's just say that when that title naturally came to mind, I didn't like the sound of it AT ALL. And what do you know, coincidences have a way to kick you in the teeth when you least expect it... during that period, not only did my mother's family come back in my life, but I also found my long-lost father on facebook... Ha-ha.
Since that diary was getting so long, I decided to create a new one, called "Shooting Stars", which pretty much covered all my thoughts - as usual, from most basic to the deepest - during last summer... And now the current one in which I add my thoughts almost daily, called "Beyond the Void."
So I was saving all these files and the same urge as always came back, that of deleting everything at once. But before I do just that, I need to gather the few good thoughts lost in all these worthless pages of thoughts...
More and more I feel like it's time to move on from simply indulging in deep thought... Since my mind is going in circles around the same notions, I keep feeling as though it's almost time to expend my mind's horizons, either to include more factors to dwell on, or to deepen my current deeper understanding of absolutely everything under this sun. I guess that's why I haven't been updating my other blog much.
One thing I do know, though... I truly am an alchemist of the mind. And I'm strong enough to follow the path that leads to true enlightenment... And I really don't care what anybody thinks, because I know my visions/understanding are at least righter than wrong.
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