One day left. One day left until the new year. How do I feel? rather empty and dejected.
I can't keep doing what I've been doing... I spent too much time delving into the chaotic world of the internet. I learned a few things about how easy it is to be deceived by appearances, or coincidences, for instance. I suspect I learned much more than I can say now. But like all experiences, there is time to say enough is enough, it went as far as it could go and it's time to... move on.
Move on... These words are often used in all sorts of situation when something comes to an end, or if things are going wrong.
A new year is dawning, and I don't want to be stuck doing what I've been doing for the past few months.
I know that in my mind and heart, there was always something specific I was searching for, and that every time I spoke to someone online, I was allowing my imagination to trick me into believing that there was something more to the person, that the person would somehow turn out to be the one I was looking for... But it was never the case, and how could it ever be?
Dejected and lost as I feel now, I've been playing with the Tarot cards my friend got me for Christmas... It gave me something to do, I guess... I shuffled the cards and then turned the first few ones on top of the stack to see what they would supposedly reveal. A Queen of Swords showed up, together with justice and temperance, alongside another card that means reduced strengths, and those were supposed to tell me about me and my present situation. The hanged man showed up for my fears and hopes... and then for the outcome or things to come the King of Cups appeared.
I looked at the cards, shook my head, and shuffled all the cards again to draw new ones. The Queen of Pentacles showed up this time, along side... Justice and Temperance - again. The outcome? King of Cups.
I gathered all the cards back together and put them back in a drawer. Whatever, you know... you can always make your own meaning of things fit with such things. Just like horoscope and other things. What these things can never do is tell you "Aliska, this is exactly what your problem is (gives concrete example of your problem) and this is what you ought to be doing (tells you exactly what you should be doing from A to Z)..."
Harmless indulgence, I suppose.
I bought my new paints, I have my new camera... It's time to delve back into my mind and regain som perspective and inner strength.
I know my heart will never feel the same again... I can never forget what it was I felt and that I'm still feeling. Someone said to me last night that I lack faith in what I feel so strongly... perhaps that person is right. I do need more faith in my life, and by that I don't mean religious faith, I mean the true meaning, the absolute one of Belief... Faith.
Faith in oneself, faith in life, faith in better things to come knowing that there is always a challenge to be overcome because it's part of the path... that of being human.
If you asked me what happened during these past few months, the truth is that I wouldn't know what to say. One would have to possess the ability to dive into my very heart and see for themselves. No word could ever be enough.
No word.
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