Memories are made of this... Crackling images
moving inside my head in a haze...
I feel mostly disappointed nowadays. Disappointed, dejected, disheartened. My line of job seems to remind me everyday how much my gut instinct about the world was right from the start.
Nothing can really be taken seriously in life. One moment we're here, the next there never was anything because everything that happens is forever rooted in the past. Why do we even have a present tense, eh?
My state of mind is hard to explain... I feel mostly as though I'm not where I ought to be, and I feel like I'm not doing what I ought to be doing, if that could ever make sense. I have failed to find myself the illusion of some personal purpose in life, and because I don't hold any particular purpose in mind, I end up drifting through life and it makes me wonder: isn't that just as bad and pointless as someone striving solely for some goal in life? At least they might get somewhere in the end, at least there's a destination in mind, and not just this endless drifting where nothing holds any importance anymore...
I just don't know.
Maybe if I just hang on and keep drifting without ever being pulled by all the illusions that make people settle for less than what is absolute in terms of meaning and truth... maybe if I can hang on hard enough as I drift across these dark waters of Nothing... maybe I, too, will reach some shores, ones that no one could ever find unless they had a mind free of any expectation or pre-defined destination in mind...
But isn't that all pointless rhetoric?...
Maybe I'll join the army and get shot at in Yemen, or something. Or maybe I need to leave the world as I know it and immerse myself in the opposite way of life I've grown into. Trigger something.
I feel like I need to shed the old skin to give way for the new... I feel so much like leaving everything and everyone I ever knew, and just live through an alias that no one in this world could ever link to my physical self... because my physical self is irreversibly attached to a social identity that keeps my mind in chains whether I like it or not, and I suspect every single human being remains a prisoner of that social identity that limits you and forces you to be someone other than your true self.
The true self may not necessarily be a good thing to unleash, and sometimes it may be that we couldn't actually let it loose, just because it could be destructive to the person or others... but what is the point of living if we can never even find out who we really are - instead living a lie according to social rules and expectations that dictate who we must be?
The only way to bypass that prison of social identity is to create an alias no one can ever link to your social identity... Kill the 'person' everyone thought they knew, make it disappear, and replace it with the true self. But for that to work one must be ready to leave everything and everyone they ever knew... and never look back.
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