Time, as always, flies us by faster than we even have time to blink. I'm sitting in my room typing these words in the rare quietude I get nowadays. Music is gently rocking my brain back and forth between the realm of dreams and that of more concrete thoughts... back and forth, back and forth.... slowly.
What a heavy week at work... No matter what I manage to get done, more seems to be piling up on my desk, so I just pay no attention to it and carry on with the next task. Back to back interviews are a real killer, I have to say. It gets worse when you have to transcribe most of it straight after - listening to the same things again. It's perfect for memory, but by the time you're done, you're closer to feeling like a dead-brained zombie than a human being. Yet I still find myself wondering and thinking about life, and meaning, and all the wondrous stuff that often leads to self-induced headaches.
Today, my brain seemed intent on multitasking when it came to thoughts. One part of it was dealing with the work at hand, the other wondering at length about my personal life. There is something good about being able to go through the experience of a relationship, regardless of its outcome, in the sense that it allows you to get to know your own self better, and also pinpoint more clearly what it is you're aspiring to, or waiting for.
I must by far be one of the most difficult people to handle in daily life. I'm extremely self-centered in the sense that I'll get lost in my own universe and forget about the world - a habit I developed from a young age and amplified perhaps by the fact that I'm an only child. What saves me, I think, is the fact that I've been facing my shortcomings for some time, questioning my behaviours and patterns all the time, intent on at least improving. I realised recently that it's a rare occurrence. You won't often find people intent on changing for the better by themselves, or even questioning their own limited perceptions. Usually, people just don't question and remain 'the way they are' and because they don't question themselves, they don't put themselves in others' shoes and therefore never learn to improve their own ways through various interactions and experiences. Instead, they simply believe they are ok and right.
As my job requires of me to be social and interact with people almost constantly - after all, I even spend a good part of 5 days a week sitting with people at a desk - I find myself becoming more and more fluent in the jargon of social interaction. I keep analysing my every word and move, especially in meetings, and then spend time calculating in my head what the best words or moves should have been so I'll do better next time. As far as I'm concerned, social interaction can be summed up easily in terms of percentages. Depending on situations you could have as much as:
90% chitchat
10% serious talk
The chitchat part is supposed to be the easiest one, but that's certainly not the case when you're the introverted, introspective type. One important thing is to be able to make others laugh as it allows you to easily bond with others. It's almost as though the very act of laughing creates a link with the other person, and of course I'm sure as we start laughing with one another we end up releasing certain hormones in the brain such as endorphins and the likes, which create an association of pleasure in the brain - linking that pleasure with the person that made you laugh, hence making it easier to bond with them.
People also love it when you pay attention to what they wear, especially women. Don't ask me why, I noticed that since I was in high school. They love to be asked about their personal life, too, and talking about hobbies as well as what they're planning to do the coming weekend is a sure bet. It doesn't matter whether you're interested or not, everyone is locked in a tacit agreement that we are supposed to care just because we asked, and anyway it's part of the illusion we give one another of actually giving people attention. People usually love attention. Attention is validating, the impression of being listened to draws you out of the crowd of billions even for a mere minute.
I differ in the sense that I hate drawing any attention on me - mostly because I tend to analyse everything about myself. I don't like people asking me things, and I never know what to do of compliments because I find them empty or pointless unless they come from someone close to me. I have no use of chitchat personally. I already know it's part of the social script.
Anyway, I've been spending time socialising with various circles, and I find myself slowly easing my way into the routine of the script. But inside, I can never forget how much of it is just part of an illusion. I just recite it, and every time I forget my words, I vow to do better next time.
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