I'm fed up with mostly everything. I wish I could just let the tears trickle down my face, let them burst free from their prison - a mask smiling at the world just to keep up appearances all the fucking time.
I'm overworked, yet trying to cope with the sheer amount of work. I'm exhausted, yet I force myself out of bed in the morning, ignoring the pounding headaches.
When one thing goes wrong, it's not unusual to find that everything else starts to go to hell as well. They say we find out who our real friends are in moments of need... The same goes with love, and generally caring about people.
Most people ask you how you are, but they don't really want to know the detail if your reply is 'bad'. They might listen for a bit and give you a pat on the back, and that's if they even bother going as far as actually asking and sticking around long enough to hear your answer.
There is this phone call 'social code' of always starting a conversation over the phone with a 'how are you' or 'how's it going' before getting straight to business. Nobody expects you to reply: "Oh, everything is going to hell, I'm so depressed right now..." It makes sense when the phone call is work-related, because the truth is that you're only calling for business. So why the hell do we have to use these pointless questions nobody cares about in such a setting? No matter how pointless, it is nonetheless expected.
Expected. Fuck you expectation.
I'm so tired... I want to cry, but I can't, because I don't want people at home asking me why I'm crying.
No matter how hard I try, it's never good enough... ever heard of that one? It's the story of my life. Even when I stop trying it gets fucked up anyway.
I went to a work conference in the middle of intense work at the office. I ended up seeing mostly the airport and hotel, nothing else. I did everything I was told: speak for five minutes in front of a crowd of black suits as if you know what you're talking about, attend the whole conference, take notes, and then write a 2-page report for the next issue.
Exhausted from all the back-to-back interviews I had to do almost nonstop since last week, I flew out to attend that damned conference and did what I was told to do. I got back to the office and my boss said 'well done'. Then my boss's boss sends a mass email to everyone in the editorial department to 'remind' us that we're supposed to write news stories when away to attend conferences.
I know it was directed at me... I'm the only one who went anywhere this week. Suddenly I get that cold wave within wash over my insides... you know, the kind that tells you that you got it all wrong and actually fucked up.
It would never have happened if my boss had briefed me properly... never. I could easily have written a fucking story on the day, I even had my laptop with me.
But there you go... whatever 'good' job I did turns out to be illusory now. I missed the point, the boat, whatever.
But you know what really angers me to the point of pain and tears? It's that it always seems to happen to people like me. Not to my lazy as fuck colleague, oh no. But me? I slip up once and you can be sure that people will pick up on it and make me pay for it.
So... everything I thought was going good in the past 8 months or so was all an illusion once again.
That's why I became a negative person in general. Because I know the moment I relax and think it's all ok, something will come up to wreck my sense of peace.
I just want to tell the whole world to go to hell, quite literally. My, if you could see what I can see, what I understand from the patterns of this world... Everything is a lie, an illusion... the only thing that could be real is what we build in terms of relationships with others - love, friendship, caring... these feelings of attachment ARE real. Yet the way the world is going, even these are now cheapened and being destroyed, replaced by a habit of consumption.
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