It seems nothing we think is ever new... often I get back to the source and realise we probably got as much as we could on our own understanding as people did thousands of years ago, and since then we've just been rehashing the same things over and over again in a futile attempt to understand even more... Adding a few 'new' theories here and there... revamping basic ideas into new, more appealing or trendy ones... But so what? We still don't know that much more about ourselves as they did two or three thousand years ago.

Ok, sure, we know much more about the mechanics of how the whole world and its people work, but that's about it really.

I want to run away and lock myself in a log cabin at the top of the highest mountain where all I'll ever hear again is the sound of my own breathing in the harsh winds and my heartbeat rising every time I watch the sun rise above the foggy distance.

Nothing is ever new... I don't know who's the idiot who came up with that word in every single language that exists.

Well... Some things are always new... but I'd rather call it another word... It is the first experience of everything in life from an individual perspective, I suppose. It seems that the only circumstance where the word 'new' actually holds true meaning is when it revolves around a person's own first encounter with absolutely everything - be it a thought forming in the mind for the first time, an emotion or feeling, or an experience in reality.

As a whole, nothing is new, though.

I was wondering if delusions of grandeur aren't in fact a human trait shared by many of us in the end. It may even be a common feature of our species as a whole. How else would we have ‘achieved’ so much as societies? Maybe we just want to become Gods or God-like. In that sense, we have categories of people striving for all-goodness in the world, while others strive for all-power, and still others who will strive for their own ideal of God-like status.

What is that desire of success but a reflection of wanting to surpass all others? I always felt drawn to it and always derived intense satisfaction every time I happened to be the best at anything I was doing. But I could already see it would lead nowhere in itself, so I always guarded myself away from it. In fact, I realised too soon that most things people get into just lead nowhere true or profoundly meaningful. I say 'too soon' because I'm still young and yet I have the inner understanding and lucidity that should have come at a much later stage in life, when all mistakes have been made to lead to such conclusions. Instead, I've been able to spot all the flaws in most things going on around me and have strived to avoid them, dismissing most things offered in life as false or a waste of time (because I already know it won't get me any closer to true fulfilment)... But then I kind of get stuck wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do then.

Maybe we were always supposed to act exactly the way we have and still do. Perhaps the lesson we need to learn - the last one in our story - is that of humility… As a society, that lesson may well come through complete destruction of everything we tried so hard to build.

And maybe once everything is destroyed by our own doing… maybe that’s when we’ll have become pure and enlightened.

Actually... It doesn’t really matter what I think… Others will find better words, and others will have thought it before.

And... It doesn’t really matter who I is… we’re all part of the same whole, and we all share the same common destiny - we just pick different-looking paths that lead us right back to the same common point.

I is you, and you is I, and together we are us. Everything else is just detail that repeats itself over and over again.

27/09/2010

A very grey and wet Monday afternoon... How time flies! But something has changed in the way I perceive Time, and to an extent even how I experience it... That perception took a long time to shift, and for a while I didn't even realise that my perception of it was changing at all...

.. Till I realised that I no longer relate to the notion of Time the way most people would. I can see in my mind's eye very clearly that my being is only a simple vector moving along the spectrum of Time, and beyond that ability to actually see that for myself, I have this pecular relationship with Time forming which is based on a perception that all times are really One.

And as this perception grows, I find that I'm more and more able to detach myself from the detail to have a clearer view of the whole... Literally as one would somehow be able to take a view of the world from space so that all factors can be taken into account at once. A bird's eye view of everything that makes us.

I really wish at times that I hadn't been put off by maths ever since I was a child... I used to be extremely good at all things scientific, and I had that natural inclination to experiment with natural elements. School actually destroyed most of my innate talents in the bud, and in turn that leaves me with a very powerful mind lacking the basic tools to expend.

I have all these geometric-like patterns of thoughts and many threads that seem to build themselves in such a mathematical way in my head and yet all this is trapped. I can't get it all out the way it ought to because something is still missing.

Sometimes I get to the point where I see things so clearly that I feel as though the only way to actually express the reasoning would look exactly like a complex equation... not words, but numbers. It makes me want to shove my hand inside my brain and retrieve what it is my mind can understand so accurately.

I still think that in order to define reality, a very complex equation would be required. I think there may come a point when my mind will be so frustrated by its lack of 'tools' that it will seek to get past that mental block to finally enable me to try my hand at that equation...

... Or I could hire a genius mathematician, once I have finally managed to explain in words as clearly as I can what it is I see through, and have him work on that bloody equation. that would have the clear advantage of saving me much time.

Today I've been listening to You Tube music and ended up by chance listening to the Matrix soundtrack. This piece in particular is quite good and full of meaning - well, to me anyway.
It's called Navras and the lyrics are... very ancient. Very ancient indeed.

Asato mā sad gamaya
Tamaso mā jyotir gamaya
Mṛtyormā amṛtam gamaya
Aum śānti śānti śāntiḥ (Bṛhadāraṇyaka Upaniṣad 1.3.28)

From ignorance, lead me to truth;
From darkness, lead me to light;
From death, lead me to immortality
Aum peace, peace, peace

It just went past midnight... I'm sitting in bed with my laptop on my lap, in the darkness the light of a candle breaks.

There are a few reasons, it seems, why dwelling on the past is harmful. I used to do it a lot, and it led me nowhere. I wondered why that was and I think one main reason it's so pointless is that of shifting perspective. Depending on what the mind will select as memories to base its conclusions on, the whole perspective can vary greatly, and you never get something complete or true, you only get the glimpse of a view at a certain time and place. As soon as further memories are added to the mix, the conclusions change or vary accordingly.

The only difference between what is past and a mere dream is that the past is invariably linked to the present, and while one can wake up from a dream and easily dismiss it for what it is (something that was never 'real') the past becomes the realm of memories... But what is the difference between a mere dream - that which remains within the confines of the mind - and memories, which also remain in the confines of the mind?...

What makes memories any more reliable or important than the dreams we have and forget all at once as soon as we wake up?

Perhaps it is the emotional link we attach to each memory that creates the stark distinction; yet I wonder if it wouldn't be possible to train oneself to severe such links so that in effect, any memory we wish to dismiss as a dream can be dismissed as such.

There is truly nothing certain or remotely accurate about remembering the past, and for a mind so intent on Truth, this lack of accuracy bothers me greatly. Talking about the past is like giving opinions... Shifting perspective ensures far too often that our recollection depends solely on selective memories that fail to express the whole picture.

26/09/2010

I'm listening to that dark, brooding melody from the movie 28 Days Later... I wanted to snatch it online via file sharing but it wouldn't let me, and I've run out of I Tune credit for now... so I'm listening to it on You Tube, which is just as good I guess. Although I must say that when I like something, I also like very much to own it.


There was a round moon outside my window last night, although I can't tell if it was a full moon, or an 'almost' one.



I feel so feline-like in essence... maybe that's why my own cat is only loyal to me. He will never let anyone approach him and will never show any care or take a second glance at anyone but me. Not even my mother, who is the one feeding him (because I often forget...) and generally being on the look out to cater for these sort of things.


I wish I could say I feel bad when the little creature happens to shun people who try so hard to please him - like my uncle always trying to stroke him and feeding him fish... But it makes me feel great. I am the only one that matters, and it shows in his possessiveness over me. And if he hadn't chosen me over everyone else in the house, I don't think I would have grown attached to him so much... I guess I always need to feel that what is mine is mine.

I'm weird like that, I suppose, except I never say it out loud because it's supposed to be a 'bad' thing.

We just had lunch... An hour before that, my mother poured herself a drink and she took the bag of ice cubes out of the freezer and dropped a couple of them in her glass. I was sitting across the table from her, and reached out with my hand to grab an ice cube, which I then placed on the table right in front of me to watch it melt away slowly. Before I knew it, my gaze had probably turned blank or dreamy, intensely focused as it was on that piece of ice forming a tiny lake of water around it, because my mother - who was also busy cooking - asked me what I was thinking about.

That kind of snapped me out of my reverie at once. I looked up and shrugged casually.
"Nothing..." I said, and then my eyes were drawn to that piece of ice all over again. It was so warm in the kitchen, what with all the cooking... I pushed the ice cube back and forth on the table with one finger, and suddenly my mind was assailled with extremely vivid images.

One burning finger on ice melting like butter...

While this turns out to be a rather slow, lazy weekend, it isn't so much the case in that head of mine.

There were also French songs playing on the radio as my mother had put on the French channel to listen to the news. One song was quite old now, as I remembered rather clearly that it had come out when we still lived in paris. I just could not remember the name of the singer. I let myself be lulled by the lyrics, all so romantic and about a perfect, imaginary city called something like 'the isle of birds'...

There was always music playing in the house from as far back as I can remember, and my mother often liked to listen to old, romantic melodies or songs. I remember as a child I would come to sit on the floor in the living room, my head resting on a fist against the coffee table, and the music would simply never fail to transport me in world of my own.

24/09/2010

Today my head has been buzzing with ideas and concrete thoughts... I kind of got a rush from it and found myself getting a lot of things done in a very short time.

Maybe the weather helped... It was dark and cloudy most of the day, with a strong, cold wind shaking the trees outside. When it started raining, I grabbed my laptop and went to sit in the living room with the large windows kept wide open so I could feel the wind and clearly see the rain falling. I switched on the music channel, turned the volume up as much as I could get away with, and began to do some serious work - and all the while my mind was racing with more ideas forming clearly in my head.

Such a surge of raw energy... rushing through my system... and yet far from being overwhelmed, I knew exactly what to do with it.

I also managed to bag myself a rather decent internet allowance deal, which will come in handy in the near future.

And with all that energy and concrete inspiration, I went through two chapters of html learning in one go, and guess what? I remember everything to the letter.

Dark, glowering skies, bellowing winds and splatters of rain... beautifully inspiring indeed.

22/09/2010

I still wonder what makes people act so irrationally in reality even when they are quite capable to reason well in theory.

Maybe we're all caught up in the same web and for many it's just easier to go with the flow... Language itself ensures that the process of rationalisation is made easier.

I'm loving this term 'rationalisation' far better than uniformity, because it does encapsulate the whole meaning of what is happening to the world and its people. In just one word that is usually used to describe businesses and corporations... I think it applies to populations just as much and just as accurately.

I just came back from a shopping trip with my uncle. We had a sunny walk all the way to the nearby supermarket and he kept talking to me in his language even though he knows I don't understand more than a few words at best. That didn't seem to bother him in the least, so I was just nodding as though I actually understood what he was on about.

At some point I felt I had to pretend that I was actually listening, so I stopped him and gestured to show him I wasn't getting him. He began to mix random English words along with a couple of other languages beside his own. As if mixing words of German and Russian together would actually make more sense to me! That really didn't help, but I nodded my 'understanding' regardless because... I was getting a headache.

As we got to the supermarket, he told me something about 'lotto', and that I understood at once. he wanted to play the lottery. In fact, he had spent hours this morning thinking about what numbers to play...

He just got paid for his job and the moment he got paid he went straight to the shops to buy things. That was last friday. He bought food even though the fridge was full, and I don't know what else he bought as I wasn't interested to know.

So he wanted to play the lottery. I bit my tongue and said nothing. I watched him spend twenty pounds on that crap. When he turned around with his tickets in hand to face me, his face was flushed with excitement. He said something like "maybe I'll win this time" and I just... I just bit my tongue harder I guess.

I guess if it wasn't for the language barrier I could have tried and explained my view... but he is a very stubborn man of the worst type - the kind that will never own up they are wrong even if the wrong stares them in the face.

I used to feel extremely angry and frustrated at the nonsense around me, but where did that lead me? I spent my time being more passive, feeling powerless and caught up in my own sense of desperation.

Let me tell you one thing for sure: this ain't a great way to be. After more time, it will just make me grow bitter and numb to everything... and there you go, society wins again.

Whether I like it or not, i am part of society; I am, just like everyone else, a part of the whole.

I need to be in the world, but not of the world. That really means that while I need to be a part of it, I don't have to become the way everyone else is or become. I can be a part of it without being in any way the same as it expects me to be. I can shape and eventually impose my own path and vision.

And also... I am emotions. That' s exactly what will give me power one day, while also being the very thing that could lead to my own destruction and that of others if I don't learn to control my beautiful, innate gift.

And I need love in my life, always have, always will. I don't care what that makes of me, but there you go. I need to have love in my life to bring a balance to it and then expend my mind. No matter how I look at it, Love is what brings me hope and a strive to move forward rather than backward as I have had the tendency to do for so long.

21/09/2010

Today I sat outside a small cafe, wearing shades in the sun with a book in my hands. I ordered a black Americano and a croissant, and I imagined for a moment that I was in fact sitting in some cafe in the heart of Paris... The Latin Quarter to be precise, with its narrow, winding streets and cobbled alleys.


Then I went to have a look at the shops around. The street was bursting with people, of course, and that gave me an idea... I decided to experiment on something I never do, which is to look people in the eye. It may come as a surprise, but I have always avoided making eye-contact with people in general. Why? Because I never wanted to feel that split second connection that eyes invariably create.


There is so much communication going on in a mere glance... I feel it so strongly that I always avoid looking into people's eyes. In fact, the more likely I am to like a person, especially of the opposite sex, the more likely I am to look at everything except their eyes. I couldn't possibly hold their gaze because I would feel far too much and it would create a certain link that forces the invisible barriers down. How to explain this more concretely... Holding someone's gaze is already a deep wordless exchange, even though we may not always feel it. It gives off more than you could ever try to express in words or gesture, and in that sense it makes me very uncomfortable - because it makes me feel as though I would be giving off too much about me... and I don't like it because it makes me feel vulnerable. I am in fact always worried that the first contact - that of eyes meeting - could lead to a stronger bond.... So I avoid these like the plague.

**************************

What the hell is wrong with wanting to love and be loved in return?

Living as I have with my mother, I never allowed myself to grow up or act as an adult per se. It was, to me, the most conveniant way to avoid having to face reality - because I hated everything about reality since I was a child.

As a child, I didn't understand why it was I hated it so much. All i knew is that I felt like a prisoner, and I longed to escape into a perfect world. A fantasy full of beauty and adventures.

As I grew older, I began to notice how so little around me made sense. I would write angry poems against my peers at school, poems about 'disgusting uniformity of brains', the contrast between the beauty of ideals, and how ugly it all looked in reality... I was only beginning to understand the source of my childhood 'malaise'... and I was locking away my pain and anger in words on paper, all the while growing more certain that I would rather die than become like everyone else - looking quite alive on the outside, but dead on the inside.

Life circumstances actually ensured that I would succeed in hiding from reality for as long as I pleased.

I mean, I only met idiots or people who would hurt me more often than not. Our life was so unstable that there can be no surprise that I grew so intolerant of nonsense and chaos -- Chaos and randomness is what DEFINED my life for a long time because of my mother's inability to be constant in her actions.

And in the end... That's exactly why I can spot nonsense and chaos so naturally, and why I run away from it.

Most people make no sense whatsoever. Sure, I'm always clumsy in reality, but at least I know why that is. People don't even question their own illogical ways, they just go with the flow.

I'm so tired of inconsistency. People are just so full of them. I want to be constant to the best of my abilities, even as I grow every day that I live.

I'm so tired of unecessary complexities. The world is full of them already.

I just want to be me, and I don't care to know that the whole of the universe rejects me for it.

21/09/2010

It's 01.28am and I can't sleep. I tossed and turned for ages, forced my eyes shut, squeezed them shut, even pressed my forearm against them, even buried my face in my pillow. To no avail.

So I opened my eyes again and stared at the darkness around me for a while... Is it possible to listen to silence? I think I was. I let my thoughts wander about for a moment, but then I realised that even in my head all was quiet. I conjured up an old fantasy of mine and watched it like a movie in my mind's eye... I made it action-packed and I even let the heros win in the end.

Well, I'm still wide awake, so it didn't work. I didn't get to drift to sleep this time, and maybe it just means that I'm not tired. So now I'm sitting at my desk, immersed in darkness, staring out the window at a sky black as ink... a black veil with not even one star in sight. From time to time a distant plane's lights will flicker, I guess that'll have to do.

Even the trees are black in the night, but they'll only look scary in winter, when all that can be seen are their naked, distorted limbs that look just like the bony fingers of ghosts reaching out for the sky.

I never really listened to that song until today, but then it came on and it just happened to suit my mood perfectly, at least for the day. I'm not even sure I actually like that song... Sometimes I'll listen to something over and over again, and before I know it, I'll never listen to it again.

There I was planning to wake up at dawn tomorrow - or should I say today? Well, I'd say the chances for that are under 10% right now. But hey, who cares? It doesn't matter.

I wish I could take a walk outside right this minute. Every time I happen to venture outside in the heart of night, or right before dawn, it feels as though I'm walking on an empty stage - nothing feels real. It is truly as though the whole world is but a theater stage whose actors are absent. And I'm the only one allowed to wander around... Even the air smells different... Eery and mysterious. And even your footsteps will echo in your wake.

16/09/2010

I woke up late again, slept through my alarm clock and when I finally opened my eyes, it was past 10 am.

Mum and uncle left home shortly after dawn, I think, and I didn't even hear a thing. I was fast asleep, caught up in a dreamless realm for once.

The downside of Blogger is that it won't allow you to directly post a song, so you need to create a link that will take you to that song or song list... Well, I'm trying to find a way around this and I may have found a decent one.

These days I've been listening to the Lord of the Rings soundtrack, and it's a very long one as I have the music for all three movies... I just let it run and tend to skip the noisy battlescene pieces of music as I'm really not in the mood for orchestras right now.

I guess my mood today could be summed up as slightly dejected, sad and... something else which I can't really name at this time.

I have to go out later, go to the bank, return overdue books to the library and pay a little fine for them because I forgot to renew them - I tend to forget these things a lot... I'm sure I'm supposed to do something else but I forget and will only remember when it's too late.

As I once wrote before... I should really make a list of all the things I'm expected to do, and then I should burn that list.

Then I should make a list of all the things I need to do because they are part of my own fulfillment, and this list I should follow to the letter.

I'm only really sure of one thing right now... I do need to get a job and start planning what my next move in life will be, so I don't simply dream my life away but prove myself and the whole of this world that I was always right when I saw through the illusions... How I get to do that, I don't know yet - but it will always be the righter way to do it, a meaningful one... Not one that would hurt even a fly, not one that would feed into the existing chaos. One that comes from all the might and burning passion of my heart.

Because... If there's one thing I feel for sure it's that love is the underrated emotion of our times, and it is that very one that needs to spread like a 'virus' among men.

Of course it sounds so cliche... So many people would either say the same thing or hastily agree with it! One thing is for sure: it's always been much easier for all of us as humans to hate or feel anger like second nature than it is to feel and nurture love. Think about it - isn't it true? Isn't it much easier to feel all the 'negative' emotions readily? And anyway, the only reason the idea has become cheesy and weak is mainly because it's been hijacked by too many liars in this world, be it heartless individuals or under the guise of religions. My vision and understanding transcend all these mindless illusions born out of weak minds.

Actually... I am okay. No matter what happens, it happens for a reason, because everything that we do or don't do, everything that we say or don't say, have an effect of some sort that invariably leads to the shaping of what is to come.

15/09/2010

Why can't life be simple? That's why the concrete world doesn't interest me. I see past the pretention, past the fake complications or complexities people invent just to make the world look more than it is... Or because they are bored, or they think it will make it more interesting, or they hope they can appear cleverer than the rest.

If only I had been born a mere 50 years ago... Then with the studies I did I would by now be on my way to working in a field I would actually have hopes in. I would have had the chance to start from the bottom, honing my skills as I learn, but today everything has changed, and it's been changing for quite a while - and it is changing faster and faster

And you are expected to adapt and comply. I can't do that.... How can I adapt and comply with everything that is the complete opposite of what I am in essence? And if everyone adapted and complied... then where would be hope? There would be no hope left whatsoever. There is a reason why I cut myself off reality so often, and that's because seeing it for what it is makes me depressed.

I'm not very bright, and I know next to nothing, yet I have been blessed or cursed with the ability to see beyond shams. That essencially means that I cannot possibly be enticed by what is fake, and if by mistake I do, it doesn't take too long for my reason to kick in and get me the hell out of there. So this world I live in, and which happens to be based on illusions more than at any other time in human history, makes me pretty miserable. It is everything I am not.

I wish I had a spaceship I could hijack and take off to some far away galaxy no one has yet discovered. I wish there was one piece of land left on this Earth that wasn't owned by some greedy punk or some bloodthirsty corporation of some sort. I wish there was one country left that didn't have Coca Cola or cheezburgers on offer... and that if such a country was still in existence today, it wasn't plagued by cleverly engineered wars, genocides or intense starvation through some embargo or other. I wish people would stop saying that they think something or other, because they never actually stop to question how much of their thoughts are really theirs, and how much of those thoughts just aren't. I wish I could be like Prometheus, the bearer of light, and that I could steal a flame of wisdom and reason to infect the world with just those. And if it means I'd have to be tied to a rock for vulture to eat my liver forever as punishment, then so be it. I would still go for it because there are things in life worth hurting for, and this is one of them.

Anyway... Back to reality, i guess. It's a grey Wednesday afternoon, full of heavy clouds and the wind is shaking the trees outside my window.

The kids from the school right next door have gone home now. I watch them run about screaming and shouting in the playground from time to time during the day.

It makes me think how much of a contrast there is between school life and adult life... They teach you all this subjects for so many years - algebra, physics, chemistry, history, geography, etc... They make you learn all these things in such depth, and they test you on them all the time... They keep warning you that if you fail your life will suck forever... They remind you that the work you do now will be to build your future, etc... They tell you all these things, but the truth is that school was never the place that would teach you about life, not even life as an adult in the adult world.

Man, this makes no sense whatsoever. It's like teaching someone that red is blue and blue is red for the first 20 years of their life, only to reveal later that actually, it's the opposite, so they have to learn everything all over again.

I'm neither sad nor depressed today, merely reflective.

Who cares anyway... Today I learned things like

blablabla

Yeah, today I was learning about colors and tables.

13/09/2010

Lost much sleep last night because of mosquitos buzzing in my ears... I had to get rid of them, and by the time I did, sleep was elluding me. That means I didn't drift to sleep before 3am or so.

I woke up in a rather reflective mood... I've grown wary of such 'moods' but I can channel them better these days down a more positive path, I suppose.

Being the imaginative creature that I am, I've always been prone to building worlds and universes in my head. For a long time, between the age of 15 and 24, I had this intricate 'Star Wars' universe built inside my head. I built that world in such detail that I could actually immerse myself in it and forget everything around me with my eyes wide open. I would play the same storyline over and over again, always adding more detail, always perfecting the characters, the plot - everything until it felt as real as reality itself.

I always expect too much of the world and people in general... I suspect I always will to an extent. I expect them to match my idealism, the strength and depth of my feelings and dreams... But always I forget that the majority out there is just predictable and part of a very stiff box that reality is.

I hate predictability factors! I want to break them down so much and re-invent the rules so that they become just as exciting and almost magical as they are in my fantasies...

I mean... There is only a set number of things that can or cannot happen in reality. We don't know that exact number of things that can or cannot happen, but that fixed number does exist, and nothing beyond that number. It doesn't matter that the fixed number of things that can or cannot happen spans the billions, because the issue for me is that it means only one thing: limitation.

The simplest example that comes to mind to explain my point here is this: if an apple falls down from the tree, then there is only a certain number of events that can occur which are chained to the stiff rules of reality. Although we may not think of all that can be allowed to happen, there is a fixed number and nothing beyond that could happen. So... if an apple falls down from the tree, first of all gravity would dictate that it should fall to the ground. One factor of reality could include someone catching it in mid-fall... a tornado could be passing through just at the same moment, sweeping it away in its midst... but beyond those fixed factors that can happen in reality, there is nothing else.

All in all, reality is a very boring and limiting realm. It seems I am forever waiting for something, or someone, to sweep me off my feet and prove me that I'm not the only one expecting more from existence.

Anyway... Here's a song from Linkin Park I like very much, especially the first two 'verses':

Leave Out All the Rest

Radiohead is also something..... Then again, who doesn't like Radiohead!... If someone asks you about your taste in music, mentioning that band is a sure-fire way to get approving nods from everyone...

In any case, i have such a wide open mind hungry to know everything and experience all that life has to offer that I could never easily sum up anything that I like or dislike.

The other day I went to watch a romantic comedy and there was that cheesy trailer for Julia Roberts' new movie called something like 'Love, Pray, Eat' or whatever... In that movie, she plays a 30 something woman who kind of wakes up one day to realise that she needs to find herself, that she's spent so much time caught up in the day to day of her little pre-conceived existence she had lost her 'fire'. So what does she do? From what I understood in that trailer, she packs up her bags, breaks up with her boyfriend or husband, quits her job and... Begins to travel the world... Some of the countries she visits include India and then another one in Asia which I forgot now. She also meets an old wise man who will probably guide her in her inner searches...

So often I have dreamed of picking up a small suitcase with only the essentials... and leave everything to discover the world, not to indulge in some pointless sightseeing tour, but to expend my mind's window... getting in touch with people who are so far removed from my own pattern of thoughts that they would challenge me to the core and in the end help me grow... Or something of the sort, i suppose.

Sometimes I feel so strongly that it is exactly what I need to do to finally expend my mind fully... and once I do just that, I will be able to reach a heightened state of consciousness that will allow me to be my perfected true self. But I also feel that such a path would ultimately be one of relative isolation, much akin to finding a spot on a high mountain and sitting under a tree to meditate and reflect all day long within myself - surrounded only by the harsh winds and the void of a whole world beneath me... This is something I'll definitely need to experience at some point in my life, but I'm too young and full of volatile energy for now to be ready for it. I suppose if 'destiny' allows it, meaning 'if I get to live long enough as you can never know for sure, obviously' , I could be ready to step up my game in the search of true enlightenment in a decade or two...

Right now... This is not what I'm supposed to focus on. There are many things I must develop within me and in my life in general before I am ready to take that next step that should lead me to reach a higher plane of consciousness.

I'm reading a lot on Indian philosophy these days, and so much of it seems to resonate deep within me... It feels like... It is awakening or stirring my inner self deep within, and my perspective is shifting quickly - I can feel it expend and I can feel my true self emerging. It takes some time to adjust to that intense feeling of inner truth bubbling back to the surface.

As always, of course, my mind acts like a sponge... taking in everything and taking its sweet time to process all that it absorbs so that in the end only what makes sense and is true will be kept inside my head, while everything else will be expelled.

That's why I can never be readily understood... It may be that I give off the impression of going along with the flow, but like a wild river in the storm, I will suddenly flood out of my bed to trace a new river path, a new current... a new direction that will be a righter one to follow.

Anyway... Today is a slow day, mostly because I woke up relatively late and in a reflective mood. So really time is passing extremely fast, but I'm not doing much in reality, or not getting things done, rather.

Still looking for that all-elusive job... To save money.... money I will need to fulfil my dreams... no choice, here. I have to plan for what is more important to me than life itself.

Ah, if I had been more practical in this life, I would have sought to become my own boss! Then I would be free from the mind-numbing shackles of employment to an extent. But... My life circumstances never allowed for such things, therefore all that happened was meant to happen the way it did.

11/09/10

It's not very often that I'll find myself thinking 'wow, the lyrics of that song are really getting to me' when the song in question is modern, and more worryingly the pop, manufactured kind.

Maybe I've watched too much MTV in recent days... I'M KIDDING. I barely ever switch on the TV anymore except to watch very specific things, although I must say I'll slump on the sofa to watch old episodes of Friends they show on one channel pretty much all the time. Or I'll catch the end of whatever movie that's on.

Last time I did that, I actually enjoyed it - I caught the middle of some very old movie called... Ha, I forgot now, but it was a 40s movies.

I love the way I'm constantly discovering new things with child-like eyes - because I've lived in my head for so long, away from reality and its horrendous settings, that I'm only just starting to feel my way back into the 'real' world... In a way, I'm lucky, because this allowed me to preserve some much needed purity of mind, but that also means I need to learn to deal with a very ruthless world out there. That's the hardest part when you happen to be a dreamer like myself.

It's just too easy to hurt me, or play me for a fool.

So here are the songs I've been listening to because of their lyrics and catchy melodies.

Eminem's Love the Way You Lie

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, well that's alright because i like the way it hurts, just gonna stand there and hear me cry, well that's alright because I love the way you lie..."

Then there is this one:

Airplanes

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the nightsky are like shooting stars, I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now..."

I think that's about it as far as pop tunes are concerned....

Then there is this piece of music that isn't particularly great, but I love the violin part:

North

And then, I might as well mention this one:

Jablonsky's My Name Is Lincoln

That piece of soundtrack music is just beautiful...

The reason why I'm actually listing this boring list of songs is mainly because I wanted to practice the linking thing... yeah, I'm catching up with technology, slowly but surely. Next step would be to actually learn how to put up a proper YouTube video in one of my posts... Hmm.

I've had a lot of time on my hands in the last few months, and these days I find myself being more 'proactive' than usual, to use a word employers love to hear from prospective job seekers...
I'm quite good at acing interviews, just not so good with the 'taking up the stupid job' part. I can tell them exactly what they want to hear, and I even look the part of the truthworthy, reliable woman you would just love to employ... Talk about deceptive appearances...

And so I've been learning a bit on HTML, and of course I still know next to nothing, but my mind is enjoying it greatly, so I guess that's something I want to learn to an extent. Then I'll move to something a little more complex, and so on, and so on... Always with a very precise aim in mind, of course.

I'm focusing on the present from now on, and that means i don't want to hear about yesterday - or tomorrow for that matter.

06/09/10

In the end, all that there will be left are these written words, until they, too, are destroyed, because nobody will ever care.

So I ask you, what is the point in anything that we do? What are we doing, each day, each minute or second that passes, but trying to find a way to justify our very existence in a world that never seemed cut out to cope with our kind?

What is the point in anything at all? And these feelings... what were they for if they could never be shared with others? And this mind that always thought too much - what was it for? Do you know?

I don't know...

I tried so hard, for so many years, to belong somewhere, some place... I tried so hard, for so many years, to find sense in this world, in myself... I am still as clueless as a newborn. Still as breakable as a crystal vase, and still able to catch rainbows of light in the reflection of my shattered pieces...

Next time you break a glass or mirror, do let the sunshine in, for perhaps you will catch a glimpse of what it felt to be me.

05/09/2010

Growing up, I always thought there was such a thing as perfect friendship. To me it had to exist because, well, I knew deep inside me that I could be a true friend, with all the ideals that come with the true meaning of that word.

I quickly realised that the few friends I was making along the years just didn't share same enthusiasm as far as true friendship is concerned. But I was stubborn, and I gave people more chances than they deserved, till my threshold of forgiveness was reached and I began to change the way I saw 'friends'. People will call themselves friends just because they hang out together, share a laugh or odd story together, take the same classes, have the same hobbies, get to cry over each other's shoulder from time to time when neither is too busy to be selfish... But to me, that was never true friendship, not the idealised vision I always had in mind and which makes part of who I am. So I realised that really, I never had friends, only mere acquaintances at a given time and place, and that's why it was so easy to lose such people, one way or other.

But all this... is also a reflection of our times, surely. In a world immersed in materiality and greed, where it's okay to stump on the weak to get ahead and never look back, things like true love and friendship become the stuff of fairytales for the closed-minded and the cold-hearted ones.

How come so many people have closed shut their mind's window?... And the heart... The heart is frozen.

Love is today's undervalued emotion. Maybe we've heard that word being used in so many ways and forms that it has somehow lost its true meaning for most.

Growing up, I always assumed that I loved my mother because she was my mother. She was the one I'd always known, the one who gave me life, who looked after me and loved me unconditionally. So I took it for granted that surely I loved her.

I was wrong. I was merely responding to a biological attachment. How do I know that? Because I realised the truth of this the moment I stepped back and began to look at her not as my mother, but as a person in her own rights.

I began to wonder: "what if we weren't related and we'd just met in the street, or at school, or even at work? Would we get on then? Would we have anything in common?"

These questions struck me as quite interesting... What if... We'd never been related, and met in life, and we couldn't stand each other? What would that make of my attachment to her in terms of mother and child?

If as unrelated people we could never have liked each other, then surely the 'love' I feel for her as my mother rests solely on biological attachment - the very one that forces a natural bond between people. And maybe that is why for so many, when there is only that bond, it is so easy to break.

So I asked myself those questions a couple of years back and at first I must confess I really thought we had nothing in common. In fact, my first conclusion was that she was so strange and cold that I would have disliked her from the word go, had we met by chance in life. I would go so far as venturing that we would never even have spoken a word to each other because she was never the social type to go to people, and neither am I. She would have kept a defiant distance, and I... I would probably be too lost in my own head to even notice.

So I didn't really love my mother?... It was merely a biological bond?...

Nah... I began to observe her, not as a mother, but as a human being detached from my person. It wasn't an easy task, but I began to notice more of her qualities and human flaws... I began to appreciate her just for who she was. And one day I realised that actually, she was a person I would have wanted to know in my life. When that thought struck me, I think I gave her the biggest hug ever in my life, and she probably could never guess why.

That day was the day I began to truly love my mother, not because of some biological bond, but with the might of my inner heart.

The depth of my emotions is akin to a bottomless well... The only downside of this is that it means I am bound to feel the whole spectrum of emotions more than most people out there. In effect, that means I will always be prone to inner suffering, especially now that over the years I have developed a deep sense of empathy and compassion for all living creatures.

Just like my mind, I'm really starting to realise that the size of my inner heart is boundless... No limits. Together, they become a whole universe of their own. Forever expending and stretching past the unfathomable.