Lost much sleep last night because of mosquitos buzzing in my ears... I had to get rid of them, and by the time I did, sleep was elluding me. That means I didn't drift to sleep before 3am or so.
I woke up in a rather reflective mood... I've grown wary of such 'moods' but I can channel them better these days down a more positive path, I suppose.
Being the imaginative creature that I am, I've always been prone to building worlds and universes in my head. For a long time, between the age of 15 and 24, I had this intricate 'Star Wars' universe built inside my head. I built that world in such detail that I could actually immerse myself in it and forget everything around me with my eyes wide open. I would play the same storyline over and over again, always adding more detail, always perfecting the characters, the plot - everything until it felt as real as reality itself.
I always expect too much of the world and people in general... I suspect I always will to an extent. I expect them to match my idealism, the strength and depth of my feelings and dreams... But always I forget that the majority out there is just predictable and part of a very stiff box that reality is.
I hate predictability factors! I want to break them down so much and re-invent the rules so that they become just as exciting and almost magical as they are in my fantasies...
I mean... There is only a set number of things that can or cannot happen in reality. We don't know that exact number of things that can or cannot happen, but that fixed number does exist, and nothing beyond that number. It doesn't matter that the fixed number of things that can or cannot happen spans the billions, because the issue for me is that it means only one thing: limitation.
The simplest example that comes to mind to explain my point here is this: if an apple falls down from the tree, then there is only a certain number of events that can occur which are chained to the stiff rules of reality. Although we may not think of all that can be allowed to happen, there is a fixed number and nothing beyond that could happen. So... if an apple falls down from the tree, first of all gravity would dictate that it should fall to the ground. One factor of reality could include someone catching it in mid-fall... a tornado could be passing through just at the same moment, sweeping it away in its midst... but beyond those fixed factors that can happen in reality, there is nothing else.
All in all, reality is a very boring and limiting realm. It seems I am forever waiting for something, or someone, to sweep me off my feet and prove me that I'm not the only one expecting more from existence.
Anyway... Here's a song from Linkin Park I like very much, especially the first two 'verses':
Leave Out All the Rest
Radiohead is also something..... Then again, who doesn't like Radiohead!... If someone asks you about your taste in music, mentioning that band is a sure-fire way to get approving nods from everyone...
In any case, i have such a wide open mind hungry to know everything and experience all that life has to offer that I could never easily sum up anything that I like or dislike.
The other day I went to watch a romantic comedy and there was that cheesy trailer for Julia Roberts' new movie called something like 'Love, Pray, Eat' or whatever... In that movie, she plays a 30 something woman who kind of wakes up one day to realise that she needs to find herself, that she's spent so much time caught up in the day to day of her little pre-conceived existence she had lost her 'fire'. So what does she do? From what I understood in that trailer, she packs up her bags, breaks up with her boyfriend or husband, quits her job and... Begins to travel the world... Some of the countries she visits include India and then another one in Asia which I forgot now. She also meets an old wise man who will probably guide her in her inner searches...
So often I have dreamed of picking up a small suitcase with only the essentials... and leave everything to discover the world, not to indulge in some pointless sightseeing tour, but to expend my mind's window... getting in touch with people who are so far removed from my own pattern of thoughts that they would challenge me to the core and in the end help me grow... Or something of the sort, i suppose.
Sometimes I feel so strongly that it is exactly what I need to do to finally expend my mind fully... and once I do just that, I will be able to reach a heightened state of consciousness that will allow me to be my perfected true self. But I also feel that such a path would ultimately be one of relative isolation, much akin to finding a spot on a high mountain and sitting under a tree to meditate and reflect all day long within myself - surrounded only by the harsh winds and the void of a whole world beneath me... This is something I'll definitely need to experience at some point in my life, but I'm too young and full of volatile energy for now to be ready for it. I suppose if 'destiny' allows it, meaning 'if I get to live long enough as you can never know for sure, obviously' , I could be ready to step up my game in the search of true enlightenment in a decade or two...
Right now... This is not what I'm supposed to focus on. There are many things I must develop within me and in my life in general before I am ready to take that next step that should lead me to reach a higher plane of consciousness.
I'm reading a lot on Indian philosophy these days, and so much of it seems to resonate deep within me... It feels like... It is awakening or stirring my inner self deep within, and my perspective is shifting quickly - I can feel it expend and I can feel my true self emerging. It takes some time to adjust to that intense feeling of inner truth bubbling back to the surface.
As always, of course, my mind acts like a sponge... taking in everything and taking its sweet time to process all that it absorbs so that in the end only what makes sense and is true will be kept inside my head, while everything else will be expelled.
That's why I can never be readily understood... It may be that I give off the impression of going along with the flow, but like a wild river in the storm, I will suddenly flood out of my bed to trace a new river path, a new current... a new direction that will be a righter one to follow.
Anyway... Today is a slow day, mostly because I woke up relatively late and in a reflective mood. So really time is passing extremely fast, but I'm not doing much in reality, or not getting things done, rather.
Still looking for that all-elusive job... To save money.... money I will need to fulfil my dreams... no choice, here. I have to plan for what is more important to me than life itself.
Ah, if I had been more practical in this life, I would have sought to become my own boss! Then I would be free from the mind-numbing shackles of employment to an extent. But... My life circumstances never allowed for such things, therefore all that happened was meant to happen the way it did.
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