Back in my last year of studies, I had a module on investigative journalism, which I'd selected because, well, that's the only type of journalism that actually defines what true journalism is about - to me. The lecturer was a 60 something American journalist who'd worked many years in the business of investigating big corporations and shady companies. I loved hearing his stories and tips, but his view on the state of investigative reporting in the UK was depressing. One thing he made clear from the onset: don't go into it if you're after the money, that field is the one that pays the less and that almost every single media outlet is reluctant to fund these days... Haha. No big surprise here, when one is able to observe the fact that most, if not all of the big media outlets are corporations of some sort themselves, or owned by shady magnats.
No money, no quick fame and glory? That is definitely something I could see myself doing, I thought at the time. Working in the shadows is much more my kind of thing, mainly because shadowy figures are always under-estimated and easily overlooked, leaving you some much-needed leeway to do things that actually matter.
People always love to be the head of the snake that bites, but that's way too easy to see it coming. Be the tail, I tell you, so no one can ever really predict when you'll sting.
So I was looking into these sort of things, and then some. And then I looked up at the blue sky and thought: "Let's go for a walk." And as I stepped outside the house, I was again surprised by the icy wind that seemed to wrap itself around my whole body at once... But the sunlight felt so pure, and vibrant against a pure blue background... My feet took me all the way down the avenue and I decided now was a good time to watch a movie, and so I did. I went to watch Black Swan.
What a strange movie this was... about a girl whose life revolves solely around ballet dancing, and of course a blind thirst to reach perfection. When she finally gets her big break, she gets to play the Swan Queen, which entails playing the role of both the white swan, and the black one - 'good' and 'evil'.She was always going to be perfect for the role of the white swan, because that's what she had grown into as herself: pure, innocent and fragile to the core. To be able to play its opposite, she was going to have to delve deep into the other part of herself sleeping within, I suppose... One could assume that she was really suffering from something close to schizophrenia in the way that she dived into a self-universe of blood, self-harm and nightmarish hallucinations, but I prefer to see the intense way in which she loses herself as the process by which one reaches the deepest sleeping parts of the self - the darkest corners few ever have the power or strength to explore. The darkest parts of the self we would rather pretend our entire lives are not really there... The end of the movie was full of symbolism, of course... She could never be both good and evil at the same time, because fundamentally she was always the white swan... The only way she could ever manage to become a true black swan from the core of her being was by killing her self. Kill the white swan, and its opposite emerges unrestrained.
It felt incredibly powerful when while playing the part of the white swan, she suddenly falls down hard on the stage. That's when you know the white swan is about to die, and that's exactly when the black one emerges in all its intense, frightening beauty... yes, there is as much beauty and splendor to be found there. The price to pay however, is complete destruction... but does the girl care? No, of course she doesn't. She reached her own vision of perfection.
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