Not actually empty... but getting there. It feels like the intense wave of inner pain and unrest I'm experiencing could actually be the window of opportunity I've been waiting for to 'reprogramme' my self, this time not caring what the 'my' part of the self is about. I need to get to a stage where there is a self, without the need for a 'I' attached to it because if I can reach a stage of Self, then I am and I am not all at once. I would be nothing and yet everything at the same time.
I've been reading up on things like 'ego death' and it does feel like the reason why I feel so much unrest within is actually to push me forward to finally deal with it - transcend that state.
I need to hang on to the pain within long enough while reprogramming my self, even if it means remaining in some sort of strange, hurtful limbo full of darkness in its most literal meaning. I need to remain in the dark inside my head, switch off all the lights - the thoughts - one by one. Remove every piece of conditioned feelings and thoughts until there is nothing left but empty space within... a form of tabula rasa without necessarily erasing knowledge drawn from experience.
Every time I feel anything, I now need to train myself to remain detached from the feeling. Same goes with all the thoughts.
No desires. No strive. No anger, joy, sadness... one by one, I must let go, switch off the light.
I can already sense some of the more difficult ones in my way, such as anger and sadness. These two are going to be seriously hard to let go for me.
The 'no desires' part can also be tricky, especially as we live immersed in an environment that does its best to make you want things. That's why I need to work hard on the inner reprogramming.
No desires, no wants, no strive, no anger, sadness or joy... and no attachment. The latter is one of my biggest weaknesses.
There is a certain degree of asceticism involved in the process, no doubt about that. I don't think it can be avoided, in fact it needs to be embraced.
These days, every time my body or mind starts producing a certain conditioned reaction such as feelings or subjective thoughts (ie: opinions or judgement, in particular) I stop myself or at least try to let it go as if it never were. The more I do it, the less frequent it will be, and the more 'empty' I will hopefully grow within. After that, I have no idea, but I need to do this.
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