So not empty... it feels like pus oozing out of an infected wound - my whole being. That would be the most accurate way to describe my 'state of mind' these days. "Pus" coming out of my mind or whatever entity that I am within...
I have no idea what I'm doing. I simply cannot not do it. All my thoughts and feelings are heightened, so loud and 'stinky' like gunk spurting out of some rotten dead corpse. The more I focus on silence within, the more of that gunk comes out, but what seems different this time is that I am aware of it?
It's very tiring, especially when surrounded by people, chatter, city noise in general... especially when having to interact with other human forms because I end up being acutely aware of my reactions 'inside'... and all my thoughts and feelings appear like mere reactions triggered by the environment I'm immersed in... it's disturbing.
How to even attempt to explain it?... I've suddenly become more aware that everything I 'feel' or 'think' are mere reactions.
I am constantly merely reacting to my environment, although most people would see it as being 'me' and 'interacting' with the outside world - but in fact I am truly only reacting to it.
One example - and there are plenty occurring every single day, perhaps in the thousands - would be when I finished some work and sent it to my boss at work, and then he turned to me to congratulate me. I could not control the 'feeling' of sudden elation at the praise, which came as a direct reaction to the compliment.
I ended up feeling rather at loss when I 'felt' that sudden surge of satisfaction when at the same time I was capable of discerning that it was in fact an uncontrollable reaction... much akin to a reward-reaction conditioning process.
The worst, most harrowing part was that I could not stop it from occurring. The reaction was so rooted inside that it kicked in not in function of 'my' control, but that of my environment.
If I cannot control my reactions in thoughts and feelings, then I am never in control of anything, I only like to believe I am. There is no escape from that, except by reaching a complete neutral state.
But is it possible when immersed in any type of disrupting environment? We're probably wired to react to it. And the more we react to it without question, the more difficult it becomes to stop ourselves from doing it. We build up some set of expected responses that pretty much cover most of the routines settings.
None of my thoughts right now are anything but the result of a reaction of sorts with any given environment I find myself in. Same goes for what we call feelings, or emotions.
But the more aware I grow, the more uncertain I become as to the outcome of what I seem to be doing inside myself...
There will probably come a time when I won't even be able to write on here, just to avoid the noise of words altogether.
I need neutrality... a certain state of tabula rasa.
I'm mostly focusing on letting go right now... letting go of absolutely everything, like shedding skin layer after layer the best I can.
Attempting the almost impossible task of not thinking, not feeling and therefore not reacting.
It's incredibly hard... not impossible, but really, really difficult.
People in general make it even harder at the stage I'm at because they trigger a constant stream of responses and reactions from my person. All I can think of doing is take note of as many instances as I can, and hope that I can slowly carry on whatever it is I'm doing.
Let go of everything... thoughts, feelings, strive, passion, anger, sadness, attachment... for complete emptiness or a state of complete neutrality.
No comments:
Post a Comment