The sky is a lovely winter blue outside my window, even though it's still autumn, and the white curtains flutter lightly in the quiet breeze as I sit here puffy-eyed and sleepy. It's Sunday morning...
When I went to meet a friend on Friday night, I'd spent the day feeling rather good, but I'd also started to become more aware of the things that actually separate me from the world in general, or more precisely people. This isn't some big-headed confession, but a rather painful realisation in some ways.
As I train myself to let go and remain neutral inside, I find the distance between me and people around me only growing further. But it's not people, it's me. Every single person I know seems to have hobbies, things they like to do, favourites, dreams, desires that are often widely found among people, making it easier, in a way, for them to bond with one another. These hobbies, favourite things, 'interests' or dreams make it possible for them to fit in more often than not because all these hobbies, favourite things and 'interests' repeat themselves randomly across the world. After all, we're part of the same species, and though we like to claim differences, we are mostly similar in essence. Even the need to feel different is part of a common human trait that can be found across the world in various people.
Depending on the pool of integrated 'interests', hobbies, preferences and desires a person has, it turns out easier or harder to make 'friends' and integrate within a group. The more generic the likes and preferences, the more likely the person will find themselves integrated within a larger group, whereas the more 'niche' the list of interests and hobbies, the more difficult it will be to find others sharing the same sort of niche list of interests and hobbies.
Well, that's nothing new. Being more like the majority means getting on easier with most because you share a lot in common with a lot of people.
I've realised for myself that I've grown rather empty already. There is nothing about me remotely attractive for any regular person out there. I mean really. I have no hobbies, no strong preferences in anything, no strong interests... nothing. I could sit in that chair just thinking all day and it would be enough for me. Sometimes I think about what I could do or try, but there is never a strive strong enough to make me want to bother. I'm like a blank slate inside that just doesn't 'take' in when it comes to further adorn my identity with composite elements such as likes and dislikes, interests etc.
I can be interested, of course, especially if it's something entirely new to me, but nothing ever seems to become a part of who I am, or that could ever define me.
I noticed that a long time ago, but until now I was never able to fully realise it for myself. You know how people will define themselves through the things they like and don't like, be it in a conversation or online? I remember once when I was still at university, I started going out with a few popular people in my year. One day, I ended up sitting in a pub with a couple of guys from that group of popular folks, and as I sat there wondering what the hell I'd talk to them about, one of them simply started asking me about my likes.
"So what kind of music you listen to?" asked one guy. I looked at him for a moment as I racked my brain for an answer... nothing sprung to mind in terms of 'favourite' because I liked way too many things without any particular preference for one or the other. I just enjoyed almost every genre rather equally for different reasons. As I looked at him, I picked my answer from the pool of all the types of music I liked without any higher degree of preference according to what I knew would probably fit it with his own high favourites. So I replied: "Radiohead, Kings of Leon...that sort of thing." And the guys nodded in approval at once, especially at the mention of Radiohead.
Depending on who is in front of me, I seem to adapt to what their bundle of interests is. It's often easy because while I have no strong preference in anything, I usually appreciate almost everything without any particular bias or strong interest, so I just pick whatever would fit with whoever is in front of me whose identity is just based on a bundle of strong preferences.
But what does that make of me? It means that every time I make 'friends' I'm actually playing a different role each time 'tailored' to a particular person... and it probably explains why I've ended up with a few friends, but all of them usually completely different from one another - so much so that I can never really gather a group of friends because they would be way too different from each other to get along or even relate.
For a long time, I used to accuse most people of being 'fake', but it was always me. Most people are at least consistent in terms of their core identity. They have a fixed set of likes and dislikes that can expend or retract over time, whereas I happen to be so open-minded that I have lost, or never really had, the capacity to be selective to create a core identity for myself, and I don't think that's a bad thing at all... it's just that this realisation makes all the difference now, because it finally sheds light on a lot of things at once for myself.
So whenever someone approaches me, I'll be tailoring myself according to them because most people are really just a bundle of likes and dislikes, preferences and interests, while I don't usually prefer anything, I can just like a lot of things equally for different reasons, and none of it is ever assimilated deeply to my own person, leaving me somewhat like a blank slate that I can construct in a certain way just to match another person's bundle of likes and dislikes, preference and interests.
Hence my inability to truly 'fit in'... because every time my core personality is just a made up 'doll' according to who's in front of me.
I have... no so-called personality. I'm just a rough outline upon which layers of interests and preferences can be loaded randomly depending on both my environment and the type of person I interact with. But as soon as I'm away from it, the layers vanish leaving me back with the rough outline that presents no strong interest for any particular thing.
Nowadays, I can't help perceiving people more like 'bundles' than 'real' people. It's hard to explain... it's like I've grown too aware of how much people build up their sense of identity like lego blocks in terms of defining themselves based on the things they like or don't like, their hobbies and interests. It seems to be needed to fit in within a group or society in general just to bond with others and create relationships, so I'm not saying it's bad. I just can't relate.
The other day, while I was sitting at my desk at work and thinking about these things that dawned on me with more clarity for the first time, I caught a glimpse of one of the new guys at the office looking in my direction often. At some point he stopped by my colleague's desk right opposite me and as he was talking to her, he kept looking at me when he thought I wasn't looking. My first reaction was to find it cute, no matter how real it was or not (it's not like I could be sure there was anything to it), but that pleasant feeling of thinking that someone may be showing interest in you was swiftly replaced with a dead feeling inside. A feeling that I had nothing to offer inside and out, that the guy had better find someone else to be interested in, because all I had to offer was emptiness... void... non-personality.
I then found myself imagining that I was chatting to this guy without adapting to him and I realised the conversation wouldn't go very far at all. He would tell me about his core identity based on his own bundle of likes and dislikes, hobbies and interests, and in return all I could do is shrug.
"What music do you like?" he'd ask.
"A bit of everything, really," I'd say.
"Anything in particular? I love [insert trendy band name here], I went to see them in concert last year, they were great," he'd carry on.
"I'd have to hear one of their songs to see if I know them. I'm not very good at remembering names in general. I just listen to music."
"Do you watch football?"
"No." (and if someone else was there with us, the other person would probably by then get involved to share their own interest and views on the subject, shifting the focus of interest on them while I remain silent and listening in the background as they start bonding. This shift could occur at any point during the conversation but for the sake of this made-up convo, let's say there is no third-party involved.)
"Oh, ok. Yeah, I'm not a massive fan either."
Awkward silence follows for a little while.
"So, what are you up to this weekend?" he'd then ask.
"Nothing much. Probably take it easy and relax at home."
"The whole weekend?" he'd gasp, and I'd nod before he'd start telling me about how he's planning to go rock climbing, go for drinks with his mates, go sky jumping, whatever, which I'd be likely to find genuinely interesting because I've never done it.
"Really? That sounds like fun, I've never tried."
"Yeah, it's great, I love it. So, er... what do you like to do?"
"Nothing in particular. I like writing, I guess."
"Right. Are you into sports?"
"Not really. I don't mind playing sports though."
"What sort?"
"Any really."
"Do you like travelling?"
"I guess so. I like visiting new places if I can."
"Oh, me too. I went to India last year, went backpacking for 6 months, it was incredible..."
"Wow, I'm sure it must have been. I'd love to do that."
"Yeah, you should, it's worth it. Have you been anywhere?"
"Yeah, some places in Europe, nothing as remote as India, though."
"Why not?"
"Don't know really. It sounds really interesting but I guess I never really found a strong incentive to actually do it."
"Ok... where do you live?"
"I live near [insert location]"
"Cool, that's quite close to work. Do you live with friends?"
I'd stop for a second before replying, here, and then would probably lie. But if I was to only be myself rather than adapt to others, I wouldn't.
"No, I live with parents."
"Really? That's... nice, I guess."
"Well, they live near work, so it just made sense to me rather than rent some place for the sake of it."
"Yeah, I guess it makes sense. I share a flat with two guys. One of them is a bit of a loon... [insert rest of random story here]"
"I guess I'm lucky, it's not too bad where I live."
"How are you finding work?"
"It's ok... challenging I guess."
Laughter would follow in agreement.
"What do you want to do after this job?" he'd then ask.
"I don't know, I don't really have any ambitions."
Awkward silence would follow for a moment.
"I hope I'll be able to get a job at [insert big job name here]," he'd sigh dreamily.
"Yeah, a lot of people seem to want that, it's a bigger paper I guess."
"You must have an idea what you want, right?"
"Not really. I guess I have time to figure it out. And even if I don't, I don't really mind."
"Yeah, I guess... So, er... Do you write things outside of work?"
"I used to, I've stopped for a while now. Waiting for inspiration, maybe. I lack self-discipline."
"Haha, yeah, I know what you mean. What sort of things would you like to write?"
"Stories, shit like that."
"Sounds cool."
"Yeah."
And so it would go, perhaps even worse, with anyone I meet, if I didn't start adapting to their likes and dislikes and lists of interests to build up a fake core personality that aims to match theirs. Failing to do that keeps me a blank, boring slate for most out there in possession of a core personality based on a bundle of likes and dislikes, interests and hobbies. My only hope would be to find another person who happens to be just as 'blank' and neutral in terms of core personality or identity... or I would have to start integrating very precise likes and dislikes, interests and hobbies and stick to it to define 'myself' on a longer-term basis than simply depending on the people I meet.
Now of course if someone really deep and intelligent started engaging with my brain, something inside me would kick in at once and I'd instantly get into a discussion that would look at everything under the sun in terms of deeper meaning and philosophical notions. Usually, that is not the case.
Anyway... That is 'me'. I almost feel sorry for anyone thinking that I could be interesting or have anything appealing to offer. I am an empty slate, a non-personality in a world full of walking 'bundles', and now that I understand that, I feel neither resentful or judgemental about it. It's just the way it is. It is no one's fault that I end up isolated and alone. It's just a question of lacking the ability or desire to construct a bundle of likes, dislikes, interests and hobbies for myself and allow it to become my core identity. Without it, I am simply empty and uninteresting to everyone else out there. All that I really 'have' is my ability to think and feel, but nothing to allow me to bond with anyone.
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