I feel as though I'm in mourning... I never thought I wouldn't be prepared to know myself. It was what I wanted to understand all along, and now I also understand what it really means to say 'ignorance is bliss' - because it's easier to never know, never question, never try to find out... that way, one can blame everything else for the rest of their lives never realising the part they play. They remain none the wiser, in a way, so no harm done. Had I not have this obsessive-compulsive, repetitive need to make sense of what doesn't make sense between me and people, or the world, I would have easily carried on simply assuming it was just the fault of others.
I'm so aware now of my inability to connect... The only reason it's not always obvious is because I constantly use my intellectual and reasoning capacities to build bridges and connect. But it was always painfully visible in real time around people.
I talked some more with my mother last night, and asked her if there was a possibility that me living with her hadn't in fact conditioned me to adopt the same 'symptoms'. After all, I grew up living with someone who lived in their own bubble, shying away from people, cutting herself off... I always assumed she just hated people and was unlucky in life in terms of never meeting the 'right' people. She said that it was unlikely. And I agree, I myself grew up in my own bubble, cutting myself off, struggling to relate, often terribly afraid of others because I couldn't make sense of them and couldn't relate on a social level.
All the problems we've had with people along the way... I've lost count. Now it makes sense. There's nothing worse than interacting with others but never understanding social clues properly. Never being able to create bonds or relationships with others because you don't even know how that works. You can see others do it, and you keep asking yourself: how does one do that? And then you want to try, but you realise that you can't because... whatever you need to do that, it's missing. So you revert back to being terrified and confused, closing yourself back inside your inner world where you're able to relate and connect.
My intellectual capacities allowed me to learn somewhat to be able to interact with people - the more formal the situation, or 'cold', the easier for me to get by - but one thing I was never able to grasp is the concept of 'small talk'. This thing just really eludes me. I never understand its relevance, although I'm capable to derive a reason why it exists logically, but I don't have the tools or capacity to integrate its meaning, let alone make any use of it. Now I can look back at all the times I tried to do like everyone else because I understood that was an important part of what people did when socialising. And I understand why people just stare back at me in confusion, or just ignore me.
I find it extremely hard - next to impossible - to look people in the eyes. I've always avoided not only looking people in the eyes, but also looking at people in general. I assumed for a long while that it was just that I wasn't interested, and besides what's to look at. The eye contact thing has bothered me for a while. Sometimes I tried to force myself, but every time I get confused and cannot for the life of me read a person's body language at all - I don't just get scared, it terrifies me. I could read about it, but never actually process it. It will remain a theory for me that can never be put in practice.
When I was younger, I used to be so scared of men, in particular. They petrified me beyond words, and to this day I avoid looking at them in general like the plague. When I have to go to a social gathering for whatever reason, say work, I'll talk to guys using solely my intellect. God forbid they should start making body language signs, or even look at me too much - it's a deluge of alien information to my brain and I panic. I can't process it.
Recently, I did get to experience my first 'relationship', but I realise the only reason it was possible was because the other person displayed distant, detached traits. He, too, didn't seem very good in terms of social clues, and there were things like that about him that made me feel safe. But then, I just couldn't process the idea of relationship beyond the theory and I became obsessed with the need to make my relationship look like a normal one out there. But I can't process feelings, I just intellectualise them, and when I can't, that's when I lose control in panic.
I feel sorry for my cousin who's staying with us at the moment... living with two strange women who never connect with him. It's always so quiet at home too. Each of us staying in our own head, interacting from time to time, but then each returning to our own universe. And there's my cousin in the middle, getting bored out of his mind. The weirdest thing is that I have to make a conscious effort not to assume he's the weird one out.
I could never leave home... whenever I tried, it ended in utter failure. The last time I tried, it was to go to university where I shared a house with 3 other girls. At first, the excitement and novelty of it all made it easier for me to socialise with them in the house. That lasted for about a month, and then I started locking myself in my room. I'd get so angry if anyone bothered me... I misread all their social cues, taking their curious staring at me for signs they hated me, which made me isolate myself even further, to the point where these girls really started to hate me. As I isolated myself further, I got warped into a downward inner spiral, not having anyone to help me out of that black hole - not having anyone to relate to. I stopped eating, started self-harming, became a complete wreck. And then my mother came, sort of took my hand and brought me home. But if she hadn't been there, I would have drowned in this big world I can't process on a social level.
How could I live alone in the outside world and not be eaten alive when I can't even make sense of social interaction and all these unspoken rules I can't read? I would stop even being able to function, I would simply shut down. And I know why my mother says I can't live alone, or why she gets so afraid for my sake whenever I talk of leaving... but these are just a reflection of my imagination. I couldn't leave even if I tried - it's too petrifying, the thought of being alone in the middle of a vast world full of people who speak this alien social language.
It all makes sense now... It makes me wish I could just stick a banner around my neck reading: socially clueless, mental glitch, sorry. Just so people wouldn't misunderstand my impediment for something other than what it really is. It's not that I'm just shy, or weird, or arrogant, or even a combination of those. Just so they would stop being so harsh on me as though I was acting the way I do on purpose. I always tried so hard... but when the brain isn't wired fully as it should, there is little than can be done, only the best we can with what we do have.
It's funny. I can make sense of the most complex pieces of information, my job itself seems the perfect example. Yet I get overwhelmed in any social situation and I can't even process the simplest of cues.
Right now I feel a bit like I'm starring in my own version of Shutter Island, I have to say. It's unnerving, to say the least.
No comments:
Post a Comment