I'm starting to wonder if I'm not heading towards a complete mental breakdown at some point. I can barely control or contain my emotions, and the greater awareness I now have of my social retardation feels like I've opened Pandora's box in the worst way possible.
I keep watching myself, especially around others, but I can't even trust my own perception of things because if my perception is twisted then obviously I'll keep perceiving things in a twisted way and therefore draw twisted conclusions. I find myself feeling the increasing need to keep people away. So long as they don't know 'me', all is fine. The moment they approach me or spend too much time around me... it all goes terribly awry. So I'm just trying hard to keep away from people as much as I can, a distance that is more for their benefit than mine because in the end I'm the one who's alone. I'm just tired of playing the role of the weirdo.
Today I had to go to an informal business lunch at some posh restaurant where they serve you tiny portions in giant plates. I have to say the first few times I was made to eat in these places, I had to bite my lip hard not to laugh out loud at the sight of things like three peas in the middle of a massive white plate placed under my nose by an overzealous waiter. However I'll admit the food itself is often scrumptious and as tiny as the dishes may appear, they do fill you up (except for that pea occurrence, but then again that was just one of many starters).
As I sat at the table, I made myself relax and smile, looking eager to take part in whatever conversation, or just listen to it. My colleague, who sat right next to me, kept a serious face that made her look like she couldn't care less, and yet everyone at the table kept talking to her, while I sat there like a lemon. At some point, I said something that the people across the table couldn't hear, so they just ignored me. The next moment, my colleague says something that the people across the table couldn't hear, and guess what? They all start leaning closer over the table to listen.
This has happened SO many times I've lost count. It makes me feel like a ghost, like... like complete shit.
It's not even like I'm talking gibberish or about completely insane things. Or maybe I am, I'm just too insane already to realise it. There has to be something that I do or don't do that makes people ignore me.
The worst part came when we were ordering desert. Everyone said what they wanted, and then... they just skipped me. I tried to say something, and believe me I was being loud enough, but people didn't even stop talking - they didn't even look at me. The next moment, everyone looks genuinely surprised to realise that I've been forgotten.
It all feels so much like a living nightmare in slow motion... I almost want to laugh thinking back on all these horrible social occurrences because it sounds way too far-fetched.
Statistically speaking, if these things happen to me with a lot of people then the odds are that the problem lies with me, but I've reached my limits. I don't want to try anymore because I don't even know what's to try, what's to do or not to do. I just want to keep the hell away from this alien society.
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