The piece of music above may be entitled 'Danse Macabre' but it actually sounds far from macabre to me - more like getting sucked into the middle of a Tim Burton movie in all its fascinating weirdness.
I can't believe how fast my extra-long 'weekend' has gone. I feel sick to my stomach at the mere thought of having to go back to work tomorrow. I feel even worse when I think about my colleagues and especially my boss.
I keep telling myself that I'll have more time off until Christmas than I will have work days, but still...
Last Friday was arguably my worst day to date in that place. I hoped that being away for a few days would help me feel better, but it wasn't to be. I think the reason I feel sick and can't get over it is because I realised that I've already been categorised by my colleagues and specifically my boss as the pushover of the story. My lack of social skills always put me right into that spot every time.
My mother was unhelpful in terms of advice. She simply said: "Well, just quit." But that made me retort at once: "Isn't that the easy way out... to just quit when the going gets tough?" to which she just shrugged.
At the back of my head, just as I was saying "Isn't that the easy way out... to just quit when the going gets tough?" the exact opposite thought occurred to me that life is way to short to waste time being miserable in some place, might as well try else where.
I've since been left torn between two opposite plans of action: endure or drop it in the search for greener pastures. The middle ground seems to then be: find something else first, then quit. Neither simply enduring nor quitting overnight would be the right plan of action. The middle ground one makes the most sense, but how come the other two feel much more appealing? I'm guessing going from one extreme to another is always easier to do than actually making the effort of not just finding the middle ground, but going with it.
I have undeniably learned some things in that job. It was like a crash course into one aspect of the world I would never have delved in on my own due to my dislike of all things related to money, finance and so-called economies. What I got to understand a bit better in more concrete terms than just saying 'it's all wrong' will hopefully help me take into account more factors in my reasoning in the long run.
Apart from that... In the late summer of my 24th birthday, I began writing a long story that I never really finished, and beyond the fact that it turned out to be more of an exercise than anything, I discovered along the way that there were some things that helped my mind calm down and focus better. Unfortunately, barely a year later, and just as I was starting to find clarity within my mind, an unexpected turn of events kind of messed it all up and to this day I haven't been able to get back to my previous 'normal' self. Three years on and I'm finally getting back to it.
I had a strange day yesterday. I almost wanted to add 'as usual'... isn't everyday strange because every day is new and is being experienced for the first time every time? How different would be our perception of time if we never divided it, if we never had the same names for the days of the week and that of months for instance? After all, it's an illusion. On the one hand, we have the 'same' days and months passing by over and over with each year that flies by, but none of these days and months are ever the same, they are forever brand new.
But to get back to my strange day... I realised more fully that I probably come from a completely insane family. The fact that I can think or reason well at times is only a random composition from the madness within.
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